


Notes

by Mosaiq



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Also posted to Dreamwidth, Ancient Egypt, Ancient Egyptian Deities, Angels, Author won't write a book but I think I saw a god, Bad Advice, Diary/Journal, Don't ever believe voices that say they're you or your family, Don't read the talks if you're mentally unwell they might tax you, Gods, Hurt No Comfort, I argue with sudden voices a lot and this all started after my seizure last year, I await the day this tragicomic adventure ends, I will write this as long as I don't mysteriously drop dead, I've titled the talks with voices as Talks so if you want to read those only they're there, Mental Health Issues, Notes, Polytheism, Psychosis, Rape/Non-con Elements, Schizo affective disorder, Schizophrenia, Tarot, The author is the main character, There are no invisible creatures, This is probably a hard to swallow pill for some but please take heed, This isn't about shoddy online experiences anymore, Torture, Tumblr, Witchblr - Freeform, YouTube, anything can happen online, bird man is illustrated in chapter 4 now, chakras, energy bodies, energy work, no angry god wants you dead, no peace, science always goes before your magical ways, seek professional help and have courage if that doesn't help, sudden decline, this wasn't written to make fun of anyone's belief system, tumblr freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:22:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 199
Words: 63,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24252022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mosaiq/pseuds/Mosaiq
Summary: Last year was a wild ride and I figured I'd write about it here so that no one else does the mistakes I did. Anything's possible in Tumblr's Witchblr side, though I must stress that my case was probably one of the worst. This is purely venting and the entries are diary like, so if you have enough curiosity to take a peek or just want to read about someone's life, do it here. Nowadays this is also about the voices I hear/speak so if you need some text on schizophrenia / schizoaffective disorder, you can find it here.All the names have been changed from their original ones because I don't want to ruin anyone's reputation. There will be nothing here for you to identify the characters and connect their story to real life persons.I'd warmly welcome discussion about these subjects in the comments.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Kudos: 4





	1. No title

**Author's Note:**

> Entries will vary in length and in their content. Updates vary. I just want this out here.

I don't want to ruin anyone's reputation so I've taken the liberty to change the names of the persons presented in this work. I also don't think I'll be believed just like that, so after pondering for long, I decided against a novel format. Instead, I will write this story as if it was a diary, without dates and with no palpable goal. I will either be believed or not. While there is no goal, the writings should enlighten the reader of the things that can happen when you believe in something too much or if common sense is constantly questioned. I, myself, pace the dark roads of my memory, because last year was very trying both mentally and physically.

There will be gods mentioned in this text. I myself believe in many gods and that the gods presented in each religion are alive out there somewhere, governing their own areas. I don't believe gods created everything though. My take is that they're of blood and flesh like we humans, but they're invisible to us. Grand medium events where others speak the words of gods every now and then don't particularly interest me but they are up my mother's alley. In these events, the words of god is manifested, sometimes heralded by "angels".

I was told that I should seek information about these subjects. I got this piece of advice when I visited a medium last year. I had a nascent psychosis due to different things, which I will open to your perusal later in these notes. The medium tried to help me in any way they could and talked to me of the "higher stairs of the hierarchy", of chakras and that I had a gift for writing. During the visit I suddenly got a massive headache. I believed in Witchblr's wards and barriers and spells then. The medium said I had high wards up and that treating me proved difficult. They asked me to take down these wards and I tried. I felt pressure inside my skull and the headache continued till late hours of that day. In a bus, after the visit, I threw up the bread I had bought.

My sole wish is that some young "witch", or someone who's interested in these kind of things, reads these notes and every part of them and come to their own conclusions. I will also tell you what, finally, happened to me and I wish that if it happens to someone else, they know that they're not alone.

EDIT:

This isn't completely about witchcraft anymore but I write of abuse and torture too. Someone else who also hears voices is welcome to shower me with their thoughts. I need to know if others hear the things I hear and experience. That said, the diary format isn't likely to change. 


	2. No Title

I began with tarot; tarot knew everything, tarot could show you your own death, tarot showed other people's thoughts. I watched many YouTube videos that spoke of destiny, raising one's vibration and erasing negative thoughts. We all had a piece of god within us so we were all heavenly. We had seven or more chakras that regulated universal energy within our bodies. Later on, with the medium, I learned that if this energy is disrupted it can result in "disharmonious happenings". At Tumblr, I learned that our thoughts can create things, like wards or barriers and such. Well, more on that later.

I bought an Egypt themed tarot pack. I still like that deck but I no longer use it. Last summer I used it according to others' wishes to read things for others. Someone wanted to know something about themselves, someone other wanted me to decode their dreams and so on. I used the tarot deck and old runes and tried to figure out cosmic truths for others. I used many hours of my day to do this and got new friends like this too. Witches or believers, whom were worshipers themselves too. On that summer, I had one thought to worship certain god or a demon, however you wish to take it, so I offered him food and water every now and then. I downloaded Egyptian magic books and seriously thought that I could communicate with this creature with tarot. I also tried to figure out a couple of dreams I had seen but I won't tell you anything more about them.

I was then a normal person that occasionally dabbled in tarot, runes and numerology. A lot of people thought I had finally lost it.

One of my acquaintances worshiped Nordic gods. Later on I had to give up our friendship for my mental health but they're also part of my story here.

We were in a habit of channeling messages to each other. Channeling is when you enter a meditative state by closing your eyes and then you start seeing pictures. Not all see pictures but some people take these on as messages and some people can play with these pictures, move them in their own head and handle them as if they were part of their imagination. I belong in the later group. I had already started seeing pictures in school and I created these pictures as well, playing by myself. Private messages, fanfictions, plots - everything had to do with my imagination. Others do it on Tumblr too and I admit that having these "messages" was fun. I won't deny that some people got messages but my belief in their contents has dissipated.


	3. No Title

In the last chapter, I mentioned a friend who worshiped Nordic gods. I "got" crazy messages for them, all were the products of my imagination possibly, and they believed in them. I later tried to fix my mistake and tell them that the pictures probably weren't messages from their gods but I don't know if they believed in me. Nowadays we don't speak to each other at all.

Once this acquaintance of mine had a talking point, which I no longer remember. I was in the process of decoding a dream for them, if I remember correctly. This happened last summer. I was doing it with the power of tarot and runes. If my mind serves me correctly, one "message" was also involved in it. In hindsight, all that I had seen was the byproduct of my very active imagination. Besides these channeled "messages", I saw a creature whom I will refer to as the Monster, that was, 'lo and behold, going to attack my acquaintance. I can't figure out how I believed in such but that was the message I relayed her. That Monster later on turned into a dispute that had other people in it too, plus someone I later called a teacher. 


	4. The bird man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picture made by Combos & Doodles on twitter.

I was good at channeling. I did it always and whenever I had time and while I meditated. I put on a meditative song, closed my eyes and started moving pictures in my mind. It was fun. You could try it out yourselves. It's really fun to create movies inside your own head.

Among these pictures, I was in space. I danced among the stars and hurried away from comets. It was a beautiful summer day and the sun was at the horizon while the clouds shimmered in orange, red and blue colours beyond my window. During the evening I traveled to whatever kind of worlds I came up with. I thought that this was the rumoured "astral projecting". However, I was having fun. I controlled the pictures and the routes I took, listened to good music and meditated.

Then suddenly the space itself seemed to move on its own. I don't use drugs or alcohol so I just thought that this was a neat new experience. Traveling through space seemed to feel real and suddenly I fell down somewhere in some sky. I saw a tiny Egyptian town and a lone pyramid from the air very clearly. I immediately came to the conclusion that this was the most authentic "message" I had ever received.

Then the scene changed again. This time, I was in light, when I realised that the shadows of the alley were pillars built into the walls. I was in some hallway, the other end gleaming in bright white light. A big manlike being walked towards this light. He was at least three meters in height and he had a bird's head and big strong wings. His feathers gleamed in the sunlight and his skin was copperish. It was a tremendously fascinating experience that was aided by the music I heard in my ears, although I didn't hear it that well anymore.

This being took steps towards the light until one of his steps stopped. He turned slowly around to look behind him. I was standing in his shadow and was much smaller than he was. He watched me for a while and I stared at him. This exchange of gazes lasted only a couple of seconds, then he knelt down and seized me against his chest and with his great blueish wings he flew me out of the town and away from the pyramid. I suddenly woke up in my room and it was as if I had exited a trance.

I no longer saw the bird-headed man or the town but I took out a pen and paper and wrote this experience down.

This is why I liked channeling. You could see things then and you could train your brain to relax and to imagine. Nowadays I can no longer do this thanks to certain facts.

This was the first time I had a palpable experience and proof of the fact that Egyptian deities existed. I still don't know if this creature was Ra, Horus or Khonsu or someone entirely different but I thank this person for the experience. The human mind is capable of incredible feats.

EDIT: We finally have an artist's rendition of the bird man. I commissioned this piece and though it looks a bit different from what I saw (for example I saw distinct feathers that had a blue sheen), the entire idea is presented very clearly. 


	5. No Title

I told of the "vision" to my other friend and we both started practicing channeling and meditating. We got messages every now and then. My friend worshiped Thoth. We both were into Ancient Egypt. They read me tarot and I believed we had a certain connection to gods.


	6. No Title

Once, I saw a weird dream. This happened after I had seen the Egyptian in my mind. I was in a crowd when the god Ra (I wouldn't have recognised him if he hadn't spoken his name) talked to some human shaped, very brightly glowing female figure in English. This woman had no features, nothing but the outlines of her body. We were inside a palace and there were many different personas in there. I don't know if these were gods but Ra was there at least and he seemed to speak to a soul (what I assumed the woman was). I like this dream and still remember it. 


	7. No Title

I tried to scavenge information about everything. First from auras, then of chakras and then of universal energy, magic, rituals and so on. I followed many Witchblr blogs, especially tarot orientated ones. I got many ideas from them and I really started to believe that thoughts could control the visible world. In my most frantic days,I believed that I could affect the black holes of the universe which, honestly, makes me laugh now. Luckily, humans can't do that. However, my mother believed that thoughts contained power and said that I should watch them. We wouldn't want to send "bad energy" back into the universe.

I thought the whole concept was mad. My thoughts had always been free and I got many ideas to my stories like that. I had already achieved inner peace, which, unfortunately, got wrecked every now and then.

My nascent psychosis started to rear its head during these times. I offered gods food and water and I talked with them through tarot. Every now and then I got panic attacks, because what if my thoughts affected some greatly important thing to the universe and its maintenance? My mother's advice during this time hardly helped.

It seemed like there was too much information presented to me. There were books about Jesus and Buddha and enlightenment. There were books about energy, energy healing and chakras. There were presentations about gods and beliefs. My mother believed in one lone god while I stood with polytheism.

At this time, I had my first contact with a person, who would later become my teacher.


	8. No Title

My friend who worshiped the Nordic gods steered me, alongside our "Monster", into one Discord group. I hadn't used Discord at all so I was completely lost. There, I got acquainted with them more and then I was invited, due to our "Monster", into certain circles. There I met someone who could "destroy" others. They were, apparently, very big and had a lot of authority in certain groups but I had previously never heard of them.

I poured my problems into this one person and they started talking to me. I won't talk about what we discussed but they too, in my understanding, did mythology and their friends had their hands in Witchblr business. We became a somewhat dysfunctioning group that had a lot of emphasis on the fae, and where angels weren't liked.

The person asked me to be his student, after I had channeled some messages to the members of that group. I hadn't seen Egyptians after the short trip that I had previously taken but I still used pictures to my benefit. At first, I didn't want to become their student but eventually, they talked me over. After all, I barely knew the person.

So began my internet tutelage with them.

At the same time I started feeling strange feelings around my body. As if someone was drawing their nails on my head and my body started shaking all the time. I never told about these things to others. I just thought, as I was taught by persons who were not my teacher, that it was a wayward spirit who tried to fuck with me. 


	9. No Title

To my mother, wayward spirits exist. The medium I visited said that hospitals had a lot of wayward spirits. Many times I thought that god or something else tried to enter my body (due to all the shaking) but in hindsight, worshiping a god and believing in these things started my psychosis. However, I won't blame the Egyptian, whom I thought followed me into bathroom as well. I just cried about it and from the embarrassment and from my "powerful" thoughts.


	10. No Title

In last year's September I had been under the person's tutelage for a while but I had yet to learn anything. I just talked to him a lot.

I was, by then, entirely sure that I could converse with gods. This was entirely normal in that Discord group that I was in. Some people spoke of Hades, some talked or did things with the literal fae. Some were queens, some something else. In that group, learning came second and I was afraid I'd get mixed in their business too much, because they talked about these things a lot. There were apparently wars and such against angels. Now that I think about it, I can't believe how easily I believed it all.


	11. No Title

We had grand battles against the Monster created by me and my friend. My teacher assured me that the Monster had lately talked to them and that it was some old knight and that there was more than one. Later, they, however, fell silent on the issue even though my friend wanted to know more about the things. I ate more bread on that day than I usually do and fought against this monster in my mind for many days.

Psychosis is not a nice thing. Especially if egged on.


	12. Red flag

Months passed and it became apparent that my teacher wouldn't teach me anything or offer me "more information", whatever that meant. I still don't know what information they referred to as the others talked about it too. They said I should be ready to kill if I wanted to be with them, however.

A massive red flag. I agreed to it.


	13. No title

Last year I had acquired a splendid post. The wage was good and it was nearby our home. I did, however, get a seizure on my first day there. I thought Ra was angry at me because I worshiped a demon (I had offered food to other Egyptian deities). I remember how I started to lose consciousness and I fell on the floor at my workplace, shaking. On that day, I was in an ambulance for the very first time and I was hurried to a hospital. I gave my beloved mother a shock, but also to my entire family. The reason was, in the end, a non-organic psychotic disruption. I spent long days at the hospital after this.


	14. If you read this

I apologise to you, my teacher, as I burdened you massively. I shouldn't have shared certain messages with you and I truly shouldn't have complained as much. It's a wonder they handled it for as long as they did.


	15. No dreams

I didn't see any funny dreams while I was at the hospital for a long time. I also didn't imagine in pictures a lot because I still thought my thoughts affected reality. I reminisced my encounter with the Egyptian a lot and I tried to keep remembering it. I didn't want to forget it. I succeeded fairly well. I complained about everything to my teacher, may his soul be at peace now (lol). I also recalled my previous dreams when we tried different medications to tackle my psychosis.


	16. Are there angels?

The medium often spoke of chakras and aura. At the first session, she said that my aura was in shambles. It shouldn't be in shambles ever, according to what I had read, but I decided to believe her. She wanted to cure me through angels but I didn't accept the first treatment just like that. In hindsight, I think that by accepting the treatment later caused many problems and ultimately led to my "talking".

On that night, when I accepted the treatment, I got the most psychedelic experience ever. As if I was on drugs, two figures came into my view when I cried in front of the kitchen table. I couldn't think straight, I just felt something at my throat and I saw invisible people in my kitchen. There were two of them and they, probably, gave me this treatment or whatever it was.

I want everyone reading this to understand that I no longer believe angels exist. I believe in god/s that can play with you but I don't believe the world is constantly showered with millions of angels. Do angels exist? I don't know, I no longer believe in them. I also don't believe in energy treatments or aura or invisible treatments. I believe in medicine and in science. Believing in invisible things made me have a psychosis and I had many terrible experiences in a hospital last year. Suddenly my feet betrayed me, my body was, as if, handled with nails, I couldn't sleep properly and so on. It was as if someone had played a surgeon on my head.

The reader can decide by themselves if this all happened due to psychosis, Ra's anger or a malevolent god. Those feelings were real, however.


	17. The Bible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://hoslum.tumblr.com/

The Bible is probably not real. Angels probably don't exist. You can read about them but the information seems hardly plausible. Herbs don't have magical properties. Tarot doesn't see the future or else I'd have experienced a divorce on that year's Christmas. My teacher was younger than I am. Don't believe everything you read on Witchblr.


	18. God

In present day, I've thought about God a lot. God shouldn't control people, everyone needs to have a free will. According to this I accept war and misery but at least we aren't controlled then. Pondering on this can drive someone to join a cult or into psychosis especially if you're told that you're greater than God or that you're battling in two wars and you're told your body's sensations are due to some attacks from one side of the war. My teacher wanted to use anime to teach me.


	19. Another diagnosis

Don't base your life on witchery, gods or anything else than pleasure and experiencing things. Use drugs if you want to, I don't care. However, don't destroy yourselves on the grounds of religion, gods or beliefs. I started hearing speech inside my head and got a diagnosis for schizophrenia. The voices repeated my name and sent me to the hospital again in panic. I was there for months again. No medicine seemed to help. It was as if my thoughts were being controlled or I should listen to someone talk all the time. I only got respite while sleeping. I thought that this was a punishment for complaining about things to my teacher. I felt a thing snap inside my brain after this had continued for weeks.

The voices asked if I liked to train, because I was already enlisted as someone's student. Then they started bullying me and calling me ugly and a whore. The weirdest thing was that I only heard of my voice being repeated inside my own head. Otherwise, I started talking. To the doctors, this was a mark of schizophrenia but I don't know why I would suddenly call myself ugly or a whore or something else. I would never question my love for fanfics and animals and for my family. Why would someone come to me to bully me in a hospital? I started arguing with the voice but I was very tired at this point. This had been going on for months.


	20. Egypt

I occasionally see pictures of Egypt. First of the Nile, then of Egyptians, then of slaves and sometimes of a bird-headed man. Sometimes a picture might flash in my mind when I play a game.


	21. The talking

The talking started last year. I first thought it was a sign of something. These voices have lied to me all the time and they won't leave me alone. As if I couldn't control my own speech. They comment on the things I do, they come up whenever I'm in the bathroom and so on. Nowadays the most prominent sentence is "go to therapy" or "go to a nursing home". As if they were worried but there's no greater gaslighting than this. These voices are like another person because they behave so differently from me. I don't know where they come from but I've experienced many different bodily sensations and so called torture during these months. It hasn't been fun. Medicine and therapy don't help against this. During my second visit to the hospital's psych ward it was as if something between my ears and behind my eyes snapped broken.

The voices talk of God often. They don't want me to believe in any gods, especially in Ra. My first psychosis had to do with the bird-headed man later and sometimes I think if they were Re himself? Sometimes I also ponder if this is just a fun game to God or some test. I accept myself the way I am and I won't be ashamed of myself. I accept very many things as it stands.


	22. Angels

Do angels actually even exist? I haven't seen a single one and all I have as proof are accounts from the people who can see the invisible. What if angels don't exist? God and angels carry a lot of noteworthiness these days and there are many churches made in their name. This journey made me think it's all just a sham. And yet there are still people who work with angels. That medium still said that I'd have two years full of karma when I first visited her and now I can't think in pictures properly.

Is this the angelic treatment I signed up for during my first medium session?


	23. Of Songs

At one point, I started to think that there were messages everywhere. In the postal numbers of letter boxes, on the TV, in the songs that sometimes repeated in my head, in the speech of others...it was terrible. On YouTube, some people liked getting "messages" like this. But me, I always got a weird sensation in my body, as if I was hurt somewhere, even though I had been thoroughly examined. So I ended up in a hospital for a second time due to unnecessary panicking. It wasn't nice.


	24. The breakup

I decided to leave my teacher's tutelage. We separated on bad terms.


	25. The push

Occasionally, I see funny dreams. There's much sand in some of them and broken houses. I've seen one obelisk and a falcon. In some dreams, my friends adventure in a strange land. Some talk of "breaking" me, the others have learned to be quiet. A lot repeat my name. I don't recognise these characters, somehow I can't form a conception of schizophrenia out of them. As it is, schizophrenia simmered and began during my tutelage. Anyway, I don't hear any voices anymore. Luckily. If you hear speech all the time or your name being repeated inside your own head, you'll go mad. I almost did at the hospital. I couldn't enjoy anything when everything sparked a comment and I was rendered an instrument. As if your own thoughts weren't secret anymore and there was always someone ushering their way into my head. You can't get a peace in that. The "pushes" also started then. It means that, as if, someone in your head is "pushing you away". It's a funny feeling and I don't like it. 


	26. Quitting

I quit that Discord group. I'm no longer in contact with them. I no longer worship gods and demons. I try to heal and live.

I wish that this is of use to someone else. If you're questioned, hear me: you're not alone. That happened to me too. I don't know what this speech is and if it's a god or a psychosis but it's probably here to stay.

I wonder if this is all because of that bird man. He was very comely. 


	27. R

To my friend who worshiped Nordic gods, if you read this, I hope that you fare well.


	28. What now?

When I was at the hospital, I started hearing voices, or the correct word might be an echo, inside my head. Someone would just repeat my name or spew out insults or just talk. It continued all the time. I already told you about this. Nowadays I'm not as sensitive to it as I was at the start, but sometimes I think they might be reading my mind. They comment on some things and I can no longer make animations inside my head. Something about seeing "God".

I don't want to talk about gods any longer. I don't want to worship any god any longer. I care about the fact whether we're controlled or not but pondering on this seems meaningless. It's not something I can find an answer to on any of these ordinary days. The voices want to kill me, and in my understanding, they want to see god. In my opinion, they could kill themselves.

The second time I was at the hospital, I received a long vision. I saw a white man in it. He had long white hair, long white cloak and a tunic and he was carrying a staff. Many pictures flashed in my eye and I started hearing the voices better too. They seemed frantic. I liked the vision because it was funny but I didn't like what followed. I wrote it down. I'll pass it on in my family, haha. If this is psychosis then it's one heck of a disease.

These days it's more peaceful than what it was last year. Last year was terrible. Now there's only voices saying nobody loves me and I know manipulation when I hear it. It sucks I have to deal with this, I don't deserve this. But perhaps I'll get stronger by going through this. At least that's my consolation. I can't seem to shake these things off in any case.


	29. It's probably never been-

\- Ra. It just doesn't seem plausible. I've read the myths, I know he can be cruel but I don't think that if he exists, he has time for something like this. Torturing a human like this doesn't really seem realistic. In other words, I have no idea who to blame. I saw some figures being hanged for some reason. Then I saw the bird man ripping heads off from some people. That's it. Those are my consolations in these trying times.   
Ah, it's apparently also important that I don't get children. I started feeling that very familiar slitting sensation near my stomach and afterwards someone said "now you can't get children". It's a good thing this has been going on for almost a year now, so I'm used to it. There's no way they, whoever they are, could ever do anything to me from behind whatever thing they're hidden themselves behind.

I know this all sounds crazy but this is my reality now. It's rather like something between torture and bullying but either way, it's not nice. I wish they'd quit.


	30. Of Spirit Guides and Angels

Isn't anyone stressed over the fact that we're supposed to be followed by invisible beings who are there to guide us? Guide us towards what? I should be able to prance around my own house in whatever state I'm in without having to take into account these invisible helpers. This stressed me so much at the start. I prayed to my spirit guides to help me fight against the odd sensations going around me but I essentially stopped when I realised I was never going to get an answer or any help. Spirit guides are for people who aren't plagued by different sets of mental illnesses. They're there for the average meditator and the new girl interested in new paganism. It's never going to amount to anything else than that. I don't mean to attack people who built their lives around these beings, and I know a few, but seriously, think before you do it. The brilliant thoughts you have, the bouts of guilt and love, they're all you. No one else is putting emotions in you or making you experience things. There are certainly lessons but these aren't signs. Signs don't exist. Just take the world for what it is and enjoy it. Your life is worth more than trusting that some angel or spirit guide is feeding you thoughts. 

You should trust yourself. You'll be fine even without this nonsense. 


	31. Schizophrenia

If anyone has schizophrenia then you might know how I feel. I got that diagnosis due to being able to hear my name being repeated inside my mind. I don't have any negative voices inside my mind per se and no one tells me what to do. It's just that incessant repetition of my name. And threats. I accept threats but they keep doing it all the time. It gets old very fast. I lost count how many times the words "kill" and "rape" have been repeated there. 

Thinking in pictures has started becoming impossible. Then again, sometimes a picture flashes in my mind and then the talking starts again. Nowadays it's about them wanting me to change. I personally think it's unfair to use this kind of tactic on me because I can't respond with the same measures. Forcefully making someone change is wrong is any case. If you take issue with someone's personality, do you launch a full-front attack on them or just let them live? I'd let them live, but in recent times, I've come to want a death sentence for the voices. The medication does nothing against this type of an attack and recently I've also started to think that maybe the Abrahamic God is pissed off about something. There's sentences that say "I can see all you think" or "I can see what you're doing" and frankly, that's harassment. Especially in shower. If this is not God then I should think someone will do something about this. I can't do anything else than take my medicine and argue back because the person who does this is a despicable whore. And I don't have anything against sex workers, I use that word as an insult against the person doing this.

If you see the bird man, this might happen. Nevertheless, I don't regret seeing him at all. 


	32. Pregnancy

During my psychosis (I just heard my name being repeated), I thought I was pregnant during that one time. I thought these invisible forces (angels, gods, demons, whatever the Witchblr confronted with) could make you pregnant, just like in the Bible. But the Bible is fake. Jesus might have existed but I doubt the book is anything more than someone's very frantic story some millennia ago. If you can't see angels, why believe in them? Find your backbone somewhere else, preferably. This things can let you down in the most heinous ways. At least don't think that invisible creatures can get your buns in the oven.

There was a time when the voices didn't want me to write about them. They egged my psychosis on by saying I should train and that I should do this and that (my own mouth spoke these words) when I was still in the tutelage of my teacher. I thought it was my teacher bullying me with their supernatural powers. But that's bullshit, no one has supernatural powers. My teacher made it seem like they were greater than gods and one time they "bottled Ra". I can't believe I believed that. 

I don't believe in the supremacy of gods any longer. If they behave like this (making your mouth talk against your will, egging your mental illnesses on, insulting you and commenting on every tiny detail of your life et cetera) then frankly, they should die. This world doesn't need gods that do stuff like that. If it's not a god then for the first time in my life, I wish they got the capital punishment.

And once more, I hear my name being repeated as a start to a gibberish conversation.


	33. The woman

When I was a child, I saw a very vivid death dream that had Egyptian elements in it, plus a woman with dark long hair. She was in some jail like space with a collar around her neck and she was talking to the people I nowadays know as the medium, my teacher and two other strange creatures. Last year I saw a vision where this same woman was in front of some kind of a jury, saying "I don't abuse".

If it's that woman doing this now then she can go to hell. If it's just the remnants of my disease, which I doubt, then I don't know why I keep seeing pictures of her. I spent hours with other people reading me tarot about her. Now I know that tarot really isn't the way to go if you seek information.

At last, I also saw her do a suicide in a dream once. This is the first time that picture pleases me if it's her doing this. I'm not a nice person, not at all. If I'm supposed to be the dark haired woman then I guess we shall see how life treats me. But no one should be capable of stringing someone along like this and then speaking into their head.


	34. Youtube

Youtube has tarot readings on there. It has stuff on astrology (you know, when some planets are supposed to tell you stuff about disasters and such) and Christianity and all manner of things. I watched many "pagan turned into Christian" and "how I gained faith" videos. I saw the conversion of the new-ager, Doreen Virtue, and all that. My closest people have her tarot cards. To me, it doesn't matter if you're a Christian or a new-ager. It's all the same in the end and I lost my faith in believing the world had someone looking after it. Gods don't care if someone invisible turns around to harass you. They don't care if you're fed lines upon lines of violent propaganda and threatened with death. They just probably want to live in peace in their own houses. Or at least, I think so.

But if it's a god that's doing this then I hope my case will become well known in the future. I hope someone learns something of this. That you can imagine and be as good as you can, but there might still be some bitch out there to use you to their own benefit or bully you just because.

I used to wish I'd get bullied. I wanted to get into fights when I was younger. Now this bullying is such that I can do nothing against it, I'm rendered helpless. If this is a lesson then the wrong-doer must be a god. And I sound slightly insane when I say this but I don't think this is just schizophrenia any more. 


	35. Bad touches

The sensations around my body would become such that I thought I was getting raped at one point. It happened especially much after a couple of unfortunate word choices. You'd get these shocks all around your body that had no basis on anything. I had been examined at the hospital twice. There was nothing wrong. But still they persisted. They happened daily and I cried to my teacher about it but what could they do? Nothing. And my crying must have become such a sore object too. I don't think fondly about it. Still, think if you got shocks in your nethers every day. See how well you'd fare. 

I didn't hear words then. No one made me speak then. The unspeakable twitches happened later, like I was being hung from some cord atop my head (it's the best description I can give now). Then came the loss in consciousness while I was drinking evening tea. There were just so many comments and voices inside my head suddenly that I felt something snap, again. It had already happened twice at the hospital, now it happened as if outside my body. I heard someone say my name and then I felt as if a part of me went into slumber, forcefully, but I managed to stay awake during it. It's like part of me went under and another part managed to cling to life. It happened close by my family members too.

I have already gotten used to weird sensations going around my body and there's this constant, as if a stretch, going on. I fear this might last years. If it does, I'll be sure to document it here and this will change from notes into a patient diary or something like that. Well, that's still in the notes category, but still. I miss being healthy. I don't fear gods, I have started to doubt them. One thing is for certain, however. Going to a hospital, again, won't change anything. 


	36. By thought

I guess I misunderstood the text that said "your thoughts can change things". I took it literally. I think everyone has a core personality that reacts to things so changing the way you think would require changing yourself as well. I was quite happy the way I was. Then my nightmares started and my teacher's "enemies" started frightening me and causing me to cry all the time. I was afraid for my life. The sensations around my body were ongoing at the time so you can think how difficult it was. I also thought astral travel could be done by going to sleep (according to some info I had gathered) and that we all receive healing when we dream. I was wrong. Those things don't happen. When you sleep, you rest. That's it. It's vital for your body and brain. Don't mix any godly healing into it.

I also started praying. It didn't even console me, it was just a couple of words to say before going to bed. It didn't help with the nightmares, nor did it quench my fears. It was just another obligation to partake in. I thought I should read the Bible for "history" but the Bible isn't real. There must be a couple of historical paragraphs in there but that's it. It's all fantasy and guess work. Certain someone just kept insisting that the power of the prayer could be heard. I also believed that. But it was stressful to think that God would hear everything. Ra and the others certainly didn't. They don't see everything. Angels were always with you. Hell, heaven and some Abyss existed. My teacher had apparently history in fighting. The others kept saying they fought angels. It was crazy. I only now realize it.

YouTube and some other sites just egged me on. They provided false information that had no scientific basis. 

Point is, believe in the visible world. Don't do invisible things. These things can do more harm than good. I thank my doctor that didn't let me visit that seminar about heaven and God. I just jumped from one god to the other. If you're unlike me, you can probably get better if you're sick. I'm stuck with these comments and sensations that came after the shakes. 


	37. Dear diary

Today, I've heard my name repeated in my head at least 61 times. I've also mimicked someone's facial expressions all day. They mostly sneer.

Now came the 62nd time. I hope I don't have to bear with this for the rest of my life. 


	38. Mental illness

I sometimes think why some people get mental illness when the synopsis of such a disease just sounds like extra stress is being applied. I didn't feel like I was in psychosis, I felt like I was panicking and crying all the time. No anti-psychotic seemed to work and there was no quenching the voices. During my third time at the hospital, something between my ears and eyes snapped. I thought I was going mad.

Now it seems like multiple groups are trying to help yet some prefer to torture. Imagine you spitting out weird sentences and having expressions to go with them. You would do it all the time, no respite. Then you start guessing what they're saying next and then you start saying sentences they didn't say.

The nurses said this is psychosis, but frankly, if it wasn't for the weird sensations going around my body and if I didn't speak all the time, I'd be normal. Sometimes the voices say "this is going to hurt" so I imagine they want to hurt me. But they, or it, can't do anything to my pets or friends so that eases my mind a bit. 


	39. Thoth

I hope my friend and I managed to talk to Thoth through tarot. She really wanted a tattoo of ibis on her. 

She quit meditating because I couldn't do it anymore. 


	40. Visions

I've seen many visions throughout my life. In most of them, I die. But sometimes I come through unscathed and get to see very modern, even sci-fi, Egypt and gigantic libraries, ransacked. I don't know what they symbolise but I also see pictures of wars. Or I used to. Nowadays I don't see much.

It all seemed to revolve around this shining blue woman who was saving cats all the time. 

I hope there's a bright future for me. 


	41. God?

I sometimes see flashes of a white old man. He has a squiggly beard, a garb of white and he sits in a stone-like chair. I guess you could call the rocky terrain heaven or something.

Nowadays, with my head all confused and such, he comes up during the worst times. I don't know what to feel about him. 


	42. About mediums

I always trusted mediums due to me not having anything against their work. They could get messages from the dead and connect with whatever kind of spirit world they offered. They could see your spirit guides and I even said to my friend that they should visit a medium. Nowadays I don't trust them as much. I saw one funny episode of Family Guy that did their take on it. I think it's pretty accurate in the long run. Getting empowering messages can be fun and empowering but I don't think humans need it. You don't know who's lying and who's not. There's many conflicting theories and books out there about these things, and for example, I was told to seek information. It only made my psychosis worse. I read about how there was some council ruling over Earth and Jesus and Buddha were on it. I read about the ascension of humans, how we were all heavenly and how souls changed along the course of their path and such. Anyone could become a Buddha. There were these rays that ruled over the Earth and it was incredible. Nobody discredited anything. New agers just believed it, the cynical ones didn't but didn't voice their opinions. My teacher said nothing except that my path was different from my family's. A part of my family believed in this stuff. We went to seminars to get more information about these things. I encountered someone who believed a war in a galaxy far away actually inspired Star Wars.

In the end, people seek these things out of fulfillment. Something might be lacking in their life so they believe in past lives and councils and the ascension of soul and such. I believe in souls and gods, I believe some people have seen gods. But do I believe these gods hold everyday value to us? No. Just believe in your life. This stuff can mix everything up but who am I to tell anyone to stop worshiping gods or believing in councils. Just know that nothing can probably prove that and that you might ends up grasping things in the dark for the rest of your life and losing money to cults. 


	43. Souls

Where do souls go once they die? Where do our beloved pets go? Is there life after death? I can't answer any of those questions but the medium said my beloved cat was happy in afterlife. I don't know if I believe that any longer. It would have been very easy to fool me. I've just seen a bird man and a long vision of a white old man last Christmas. 


	44. Why bring gods into this?

I don't know if the weird pressures around my head and in my brain are due to someone bullying me or if it's a yet unnamed sickness.The thing is, they disappear only to happen again and again. Then my mouth starts going off and someone talks of breaking me. I certainly don't want to do that. I don't even know what breaking a person means. I think people can't be broken, they can be depressed or such. I don't believe in being broken, for some reason. That's why the voice sometimes makes me baffled. I'm just under under my breath every once in a while. Sometimes I think that this could be the reason why I can't get a child even if I wanted one. One can take a look at me and remark: "Oh, you talk."

If I talked about cute things then it wouldn't be a problem. But I talk of being killed, killing, torturing, gods and how they can do anything et cetera. Then someone repeats my name in my head again. It's annoying but I'm gradually getting used to it. I hope that if this happens to someone else, they know that this happened to me too. It's not nice but it's not worth dying over. You aren't broken. Someone's probably trying to do something.

Sometimes they talk of healing and how I need to be kind and how I'll never kill. Weird word choices, especially when accompanied by the "You'll break" phrases. Sometimes it sounds like they don't know why I'm talking. All I know is that the weird pressures come whenever they speak and that's it.

If you start experiencing these things, don't panic. You need to be cool and you need not believe they are gods. Gods shouldn't do these things, I've never heard of others being "healed" this way, especially after they say I need to go to therapy. Therapy doesn't help against voices that speak of gods and killing. I'm already in therapy regardless. The speaking just doesn't stop. That's it. And I don't even hear anything else in my head. I thought you were supposed to hear voices while being schizophrenic. It's also weird this happened straight after I fell down at my job last year. After that, it's been hell. All talking and whatever else. 

Kindness shouldn't come at the price of this "healing". I'm more motivated to work against anyone who tells me how I should be than work with them when I talk. All in all, it sounds stupid to mix gods into this. I just can't figure out how someone else could make me talk like this. If mediums aren't real (I've heard of one who told others they spoke with the voice of Ra) then I'm not a medium.

Kindness is not the end goal to me. 


	45. About kindness

Should kindness come after you're tortured? Should it come after the voices don't stop? Should it come after it feels like things are snapping inside your own head? Should it come after countless of hours of listening to your name being repeated? Should it come after you think you're dead, multiple times at that, and that you're just barely hanging by. I'd rather kill than be kind after that. I'd rather be myself, even if crazy, but not kind. That's forcing. That's altering someone's personality by force. If it's a god doing this then that's abuse. I will never accept that kind of god's authority. That's also not something therapy can fix. 

I've told them countless of times to be quiet. They don't heed my words. I've told them I don't want to be associated with them. That I don't want to hear their words. Do they stop? No. They continue, and now I can no longer think in pictures properly. I had abstract thoughts that I piled into words. I didn't have sentences going off in my head. I heard that some people think like that. In sentences. It sounds weird to me.

Should kindness come after it feels like you're shoved aside in your own head? Should it come if you constantly feel like you need to battle for your own existence? That you need excuses to make it? Is that really what kindness is to some? 

Someone just wants me to be kind. I disagree after this treatment. If I'm ever kind, it's because I want to be kind, not because someone says I should be. Kindness shouldn't be the main facet in anyone's personality in this world even though it's a very nice trait to have. Kindness doesn't stop voices or make your world go around. It just is and sometimes others like it.

I hope someone needed to hear that. If you're angry or your personality is that of a bully or you're mean, then you're so. I wouldn't seek to change you forcefully. I'd let you live and I'd continue my own life in peace. 


	46. Different stuff

There was a time when the voices took issue to me writing fanfiction. They called it stealing. And then they said that I was ruining someone's reputation. Maybe they thought I was doing RPF? I accept RPF, people should be allowed to do that. But what makes them think I should care one whit about their opinion? Especially after I'm mimicking someone's expressions so much that it feels like I hardly have time for my own? You do it. Try experiencing others' expressions for months and then tell yourself that you're fine. I'm not fine. I feel like I'm gradually losing words. It feels like that guadriplegia I experienced a the hospital during my first stay there. Like this situation is outside of my control. My mouth moves when I don't want it to, my eyes make abrupt changes when I'm not expecting them to. There's a weird person who insists I should be kind when I want to be angry and cold.

I think I already told you how I thought I was pregnant during my psychosis. How I thought invisible things could do that to humans. Gods aren't invisible, know that. But if this is a god then gods can translate text for you, they can make your mouth and eyes move, they can summon words into your head so you hear them like an echo with no sound.

If I repeat a couple of extra words here and then and try to comply with the need to speak, I'm not broken. I refuse to believe people can be broken.

But if this continues, I know I'm either sick or someone's torturing me. 


	47. Of things

Are you satisfied with the way things are? I'm not. I haven't been satisfied since I started hearing my name repeated many times a day and repeating things someone makes me say. I have an injection for this shit. This shouldn't happen. In fact, I've tried four different injections, each with varying results. I don't have a firm trust in our psychiatry department any longer. So long as I continue to hear name drops and so long as this someone seeks to change me, I'm not satisfied.

Sometimes it feels like there's someone else watching the world through my eyes. My eyes just move like that some days. And sometimes someone says "get away" through my mouth and the other replies "I won't". It's no use reasoning with these beings. it feels a little bit like getting violated but you'll get used to it when it continues. If these are gods, they insist they can do this. I'd like to sign up for the closest rebellion if this is indeed done by gods. Gods shouldn't do things like this. If this is just my sickness then I hope it gets solved quickly. I'm tired of doubting my own expressions.

What would you feel like if god controlled you? I think he'd use a stick and a prize method from your early childhood. I just made you doubt your feelings and think if you've been conditioned. Well, we all are. It's something our parents gift us with. But if these months have taught me anything, it's that anything can be upturned and erased. This sickness has conditioned some of my kindness out of me. But the more I hear the voices and the more this someone tries contact me, the more I hate.

Sometimes it feels like my mind has these boxes in it and by moving them in certain way, you change a bit. This can be good or bad, however you wish to take it. But what would it take to control an adult human? I'm sure god could do it. Sometimes it feels like I need to control my own thoughts inside my own head. I miss when thinking was free and you were entitled to your own opinion that was yours alone. Now it feels like I get comments on everything. Someone always cuts the pictures I try to think off before I can form a coherent picture. This has been going on for months. 

All because of that bird man? Or is this about something else? Either way, it's not right.


	48. Central nervous system

What if one of God's powers was being able to control that? What if the stick and prize method amounted to that? Pain could be created. Pleasure could be induced. Personalities could be made again and again. To conquer this, you just need to firmly believe in yourself. Believe in the possibility that you exist in some niche, even if God's out there. You have your likes and dislikes and you can be ever changing or not. You move on your own. You control yourself. Even if your mind is a mess, believe that you can be the orchestra master of that mess. Believe in yourself and accept yourself. Accept your emotions but be mindful of them. You can change yourself if you want to. Don't be ashamed to show courage.

The most difficult step could be to realise when control can be applied. Study yourself. When do you run out of breath? When do your thoughts turn away from rebellions and protests? When do you think only nice things? Do you not want to think of the unpleasant ones? Face these issues and see how you react. Do you want to react like that? You have a personality trait despite the answer.

I think I've done a fairly good job at studying myself. Despite the voices, which started just suddenly last year, saying I should go to therapy, everything is looking better than it has been in a long time. My hope is that those people who worship gods don't do it at the expense of freedom. If it ever seems like there's someone out there controlling us and we figure this out in the future, I hope us humans the best of luck. We will need it.

Otherwise just exercise your right to be free from pain. I seem to have accumulated a couple pains in my body with the voices. This seems more and more like a full-frontal attack but I was taught to bear. One of the only things my teacher taught me. 


	49. Truly study

Truly study yourself. Are the feelings you feel in accordance with your morals and such? Do not think that waving shame and different bodily sensations couldn't move your mind. It's abuse either way. It's the way of control and instilling principles.

Humans should be different. We vary, we're colorful, we're wonderful. Don't think gods can't abuse us. There's no angels to protect us against god/s. 


	50. Contacting you

If this is not a sickness, it's pretty wild to think that someone can just contact you through speech. They won't quit talking, they will just keep going on until they have "broken you" (in their words). Wouldn't it be wild if god needed all of us to think just simple things and be occupied with each other to have his power? What if Gods aren't all mighty at all?

I think of everything. I think different manner of subjects and different viewpoints. I also think how I might act in different situations. Then I create pictures in my head, which I then take further and make entire scenes in my head. But now someone is obsessed with the fact that "I shouldn't think in pictures". Because of the bird man or the white old person I saw during Christmas.

Does meditation even do anything except calm you down? There probably isn't anything to ascension. There's no extraordinary sense, there's just make-believe. What if gods use this make-believe to their advantage? Better have us fighting here amongst ourselves than against them.

How do you think? Is it productive? Has someone attacked you for your thoughts? This voice comments on my thoughts sometimes. The constant name repeating is wearing on me. Sometimes it says it can see through my eyes and bullies me. There's not much I can do against it. If this was a normal human vs human fight, I would have given this person a piece of my mind along time ago. Now even telling it to shut up doesn't seem to do much.

If you encounter this shithead, I hope your time offers you more fighting chances than mine does to me. 


	51. Gaia

At one time I truly thought I had seen Gaia and she told me to bury one of my broken gemstones. 

Crystal and energy therapies are probably not very effective, by the way. Just visit a doctor and light a candle if you need to. 


	52. Of rape

There were many times when I felt uncomfortable bodily sensations all around my body but especially in the lower regions. These were never explained by the hospital or doctors and I have been examined thoroughly twice. Many times it felt like something actually entered my body. This sensation didn't seem to have limits. It happened while I was brushing teeth or while I was getting dressed. The strongest it ever got was last year's summer when my body as a whole seemed to burn and it felt like something entered my vagina. 

This happened so many times I thought I was getting possessed but possession doesn't exist. I have been through a lot, it's a myth. No one can take control of your body but these people have certainly tried. I have discussed how it feels like when someone else's expressions come onto your face and what it feels like to have your brain as if squeezed. Relax and let it happen, it's not there to destroy you(at least in my experience it isn't) . You can't do anything about it anyway. Sometimes you're going to behave differently than you usually do and thinking gets hard but they can't do much else. They've said I've been raped and ruined but I don't buy the rape ruins you theory. You aren't broken or ruined. You can get up from it.

I thought some gods were having fun with me once but now that I think about it, they probably wouldn't do it like this. Or at least I haven't heard that the Egyptian pantheon rapes. You're still going to feel like it happens. Trust me, you won't like it, especially if you speak all the time. 

I haven't told about this to anyone but I'm writing it here now. It's some group or a god that's doing this. At first they tried to prove to me that strangers can control you when I said everyone had autonomy. I can't fault them, I sometimes behave the same way. But now it seems to have exceeded this. They're desperate to prove Ra doesn't exist and that angels do. They've made that clear to me. 


	53. Herbs

Herbs and flora don't contain any magical qualities. Banishing rituals don't do anything. Sigils aren't anything except pretty. You aren't attracting love or luck with those. You can't doom others with witchcraft. Sage doesn't cleanse anything and magic isn't real. Even god would need help to affect others. Gods need to string you up to do anything with you. You can choose to worship them or not. The most you can affect is here on Earth and you need it to be physical, not an idea. 


	54. Torture

Today torture was mentioned multiple times. I also heard words treaty and war. I feel stretched around my head and I've argued with the voices about kinks. My therapist suggested I do this because I'm guilty and maybe this was a way to show that. I don't get it. Today I've been called a whore multiple times and other slightly negative things.

In Skyrim, I couldn't skin a sabre cat and I feel slightly useless and died multiple times. I seem to talk even during games.

I thought about what job can I possibly get if I talk all the time and get snaps in my head? I need something where I can work alone.

The voices seem insistent on ridicule and fighting with them won't change that. They insist this happens because I deserve this and that I shouldn't have gone to see the bird man. I don't even know how I did it in the first place but the voices want to go there too. 

I've had weird feelings of being cut into around my stomach and head. The voices have lied to me all the time, saying crazy things like I have artificial organs and such. My mother insisted it was my central nervous system doing this but I don't buy it. I'm beginning to question the true nature of mental illnesses. 


	55. Numerology

Numerology is full of happy accidents and you awaiting for something to happen. It's not based upon science, it's just about what someone said some time ago. I suggest you don't do it much. I tried to memorize angel numbers and what ever new thing came up. I even had a look at sacred geometry but to no avail. These numbers contain only themselves, nothing more. Save the numbers for math, you need them more there.

1111 and such don't mean anything if you see them in clocks or alarms. Stay to traditional clocks and not digital ones if it gets tough. Looking for messages from the unknown or god is a sign or mental illness according to doctors. 


	56. About god

I'm a firm believer in science. I believe in the Big Bang and I don't buy that God/s created everything. I think they can oversee things but mostly, from what I've seen, they just live peacefully. Maybe they have armies to enforce their superiority? Though I've only seen the bird man's tiny city. Maybe such things - armies - don't exist. Maybe it's just humans who wage wars and mythological texts aren't to be believed. Either way, God's need something to enforce themselves.

I hear echoes of "we'll kill you, I'm going to kill you, you're going to die" frequently enough that I believe it to be a god. Just because I saw a bird man, lost my faith and gained a new one. Is that enough for a god to bully and torture others? Maybe gods are afraid of us. Maybe they don't have special powers but they just govern. Maybe to be a god is simple. Like a farmer tending to their crops.

We humans are many. I think if need be, we can rule ourselves just fine. At least this incident that happened to me, the speaking, threatening and such, makes me believe that. I can threaten back and curse when I can't exit the situation and just end up hearing words. But this is clear torture and someone is doing this. I don't buy that this is schizophrenia or psychosis anymore. I certainly behave like I'm in a psychosis but I have strong medication against it. It cannot happen anymore. 

"Don't use your medicine". That's what I just repeated. Tell me if this happens to you too. Someone should look into this. 


	57. Thoughts

Sometimes the speech makes me think my thoughts are being read. There come comments on how I think and how I read and look and what pictures I thought and such. Sometimes it also feels like they're looking through my memories just like that. I might get a flash of a picture when that happens. 

I kept seeing a balded man with long beard during these events. I also saw some Egyptians, such as Anubis but those probably weren't real.

Right now someone commented "you've been tortured from your childhood" to me. If that makes me weather this better then OK, but if it is a joke then not good.

Weird feelings near my stomach and vagina too. They start suddenly and end suddenly and then someone speaks of rape or my mouth tries to smirk.

This is unbelievable to many but it is happening to me now. I hope this gets solved in the future so others won't go through this. 


	58. Today about control

Today I heard the line "You've been controlled your entire life". "Gods can control others, gods can rule".

Says who? Religion? Some wacky gods? What's wrong here? The premise that humans can be controlled and should be controlled. We should all be free with a free will and we should be able to do the things we enjoy without any gods messing with us. This is why I doubt my mental illness. This is why I doubt gods and whether they actually deserve to live at all. "You haven't seen anything, see I can make you see pictures" is just as common. I hear this shit every day now. My dreams aren't as fulfilling, my days are ruined by this intercourse. I feel like a megaphone. I have started to argue with the speech in public places as well. It's a shitty thing and if this is a person doing this, they're a very shitty character. Humans try to control others through abuse and manipulation too but I've never seen it done like this. 

I have researched some sicknesses but it looks more to me that god could do all of this. Take a Tourette Syndrome for example. I thought it resembled what I had but not exactly. There's medication for it, you just live with it and life goes on. But this thing that I have came suddenly, almost right after I had seen the bird man. I didn't repeat words at first, I just had one seizure, ended up in first aid and things got complicated from there on. I thought I started feeling others' emotions and I had shortness of breath suddenly. Me, someone with an athletic build. I started coughing and having different kinds of bodily actions that seemed abnormal. This has been going on for almost a year now. Sometimes someone makes me say "why do you speak? This must end" and other things like that. I'm confused, for starters. 

If medication doesn't help and you just get one diagnosis after another, it has to be something else. This speech tortures me. The constant pulls around my head don't feel nice. I can't create movies in my head anymore. The thoughts get cut off when I try. The voices feel too convenient to be schizophrenia. Whose voices just sometimes call you a whore and "you haven't seen anything" and "no one wants you" and whatever. This, suddenly. I thought I understood the nature of voices I read about in my student years but now I'm not so sure. And I've been through different schizophrenia and psychosis medications. Nothing helps. They should help. I'm afraid this is stressing my family as well. 

I'm a firm believer in science so if there's a god doing this somewhere, then I hope they get what they deserve in the end. End the worship for these kind of gods. If this is just someone wanting to start a fight with me, they're using very dishonest ways to achieve it. I can't fight back, I'm just tortured. They said they won't come to me because they'd lose in a fight. Well good for them, I'd beat the shit out of them and call the cops on their ass. I'd get jail too but at this point, I'm willing to risk it. 


	59. Gemstones

I used to believe that gemstones held some kind of power. I read about it online, how different types corresponded with different qualities and how much strength went into a pure gemstone. Broken stones and ritual stones ought to be buried. My mother believed gemstones held energy that was used in energy healing sessions. Spirit guides and angels channeled their healing light through her hands and those stones. It's all malarkey. Gemstones are pretty but they're not to be confused with ratified scientific treatments. It's believing in the magical rather than in science. In Tumblr, some _witches_ would even have foregone their mental illness medication in favour of stones and energy therapies and tarot. I can't recommend that. It's crazy to believe that some stones could heal your depression or cure your cancer or that some spirit guides would channel energy from some god to heal your ailments. It doesn't work like that. Listen to that, it sounds crazy!

Rather than collect gemstones for their "properties", try to not look at online guides and just pick whatever you fancy. Use them as decoration in your home, or collect them, but please don't believe they have some affinity to energy or gods. They're not helping in anything else than looking pretty and maybe cheering you up. 

GEMSTONES AND ENERGY THERAPIES DON'T WORK. That's the headline of the day. 


	60. Energy bodies

They probably don't exist. There probably isn't any "universal consciousness" that links us all together and chakras don't exist. I had a sudden decline in the hospital during my second visit. I felt orbs in my back gripping me back as I saw a picture of a gate that had suffering figures on both sides of it. I'm feeling more and more conflicted about writing that because to some, it's proof that chakras exist. We don't have many energy bodies, even though my mother believes in them. There are many online guides, usually referencing Indian articles or ways, that should show you these energies. Some also speak of stagnant energies. They don't exist. You have your body, it's flesh and blood and full of impulses. Take care of it and don't think of energy bodies. 

Also, don't think of energy treatments. So long as science hasn't proven them, they're useless. They might cheer you up but they don't truly affect your body. Don't go to energy treatments if you're going there for other reasons that cheering yourself up. In fact, don't go at all. Don't sign up to distant healing courses or do it to others, it doesn't work. Whatever name they've plastered on front, be it devas, angels, gods, crystals, whatever - it doesn't work. You're being hoodwinked. 

I went to healing that invoked angels. Now I see it was as useless as any other energy treatment since angels don't even exist. It didn't even make me feel better, I just felt this unpleasant sensation at the top of my head, like getting electrocuted. I hope you people don't have to go through it at any time. 

If it was god doing that at the time, fuck you. Go fuck yourself. 


	61. Of prayers

I personally don't think that gods hear our prayers. There is probably no sure way to determine whether there is an army of angels seeking to give your prayers to a god but hearing about how ridiculous the system seems is enough. If you want to believe that gods hear you, then that's fine. But I'd personally go mad with the amount of care I would have to display.

Maybe the gods hear better during different periods? Maybe they fight for popularity? I have begun to think even gods need help in ruling and they most certainly don't have magical powers. They're just strong. The bird man I saw was very tall, almost three times my height, and looked buff. Lately I've seen him angry in visions and donning an armour so I guess they need that too.

I don't think they walk among us. I don't think they hear us. I think that if you want to pray, you should do it for yourself, not because you need a god's assistance. The most they can do is pat you on the back and send you on your way. 


	62. Ruining

"People shouldn't be controlled, huh?"

I have made my liberal views clear to this person. People should never be controlled. 

"I'll ruin you" they say. I also hear separate "No!" and "This isn't working".

I hope whoever is doing this dies. Or at least goes to jail. And now my face smiles a bit. Though I don't want to.

I also heard classical schizophrenic voices, saying "I only want attention". From who? Gods who live in the stars or these peepers that are definitely weird voices? From you, the reader? I want you to read this and think. Never support gods only because they're gods. 


	63. Just once

Today the voices seemed concerned I'm seeing gods or through their eyes. Idiotic. Then they realised I had only seen once (the bird man) and that I couldn't see them. They insist there's no proof that they've done anything wrong since I can't see them. They don't want me to write about them.

They also insist that I have some imaginary child and that I'm a bad mother for abandoning them. Elementary abuse tactics. As if I couldn't see through that.

Now they are going on about how they'll kill me or someone else.

And now I seem to have misunderstood something. Well, who can blame me? I can't see or hear them. I just repeat words. I'm apparently just an attention-seeker. Bollocks, I say. 


	64. In the end it comes down to angels

Someone's angry about me not believing in angels again. I can't believe that after seeing psychedelic hallucinations and being in energy therapy. I have read about angels, they can't exist. No one's helping you breathe, they aren't being sent all over the cosmos. It's a power tactic. I firmly believe we are going to affirm the existence of a god some day. I have already done so for myself. We are probably going to visit them too, maybe even work with them.

I don't know what happens after death though. Maybe we just disappear or go to some god. I'm not so sure heaven and hell even exist.

I'm not sure which one, the balding man in a toga like clothes or the straight white haired one is the real God, but if they did this to me, I hope they find themselves troubled when humanity advances. We don't need gods, they probably don't do anything to us. 


	65. About Buddha

When I still believed in that council that rules over everything, I sincerely prayed to Jesus and Buddha. I thought the psychotic visions of guinea pigs were messages and that this was some test. I also experienced some of the more unpleasant feelings of nails trailing wires in my brain and around my body.

Now that the psychosis is no more, I can say that Jesus doesn't exist anymore, at least to me. Buddha neither. So you're free to pray to them but I doubt they're watching over us from heavens. Learn what you can about them, if you want to, but better not make it all your life's worth. 


	66. About seeing pictures

If you want to start meditating with pictures, you need to practice it for years. Try thinking of the animations you see everywhere. Start moving e. g. hands inside your mind. Look at videos and try to repeat them in your mind. Look at animations and effects, look at documentaries. Look at how the planets move and how explosions work. Then start creating expressions inside your mind. Think of faces and create characters like 3D models. Rotate them, add light to them, make them lifelike or animesque. Then start creating plots inside your head and add more characters.

You can make them fly, fight, interact with each others and so on.

Maybe one day the pictures are bright and clear enough for you to see your gods as well. 


	67. An argument

"Go eat dung, shit-face." (Me) 

"You shouldn't curse. I don't like it."

"Well go eat shit someplace else then." (Me) 

"You're stupid, huh. You don't get breaking."

"Then you're stupid too. You're a whore and a shit-face for making me talk." (Me) 

"You still don't get it? This isn't torture, I just made you speak. We don't torture."

"I'll ruin you. I'm trying to ruin you, don't you get it? This way no one will want you."

"What the fuck is going on there?" (Me) 

"You're so stupid."

"We won't speak to you anymore. We won't torture."

"So now you admit you're torturing? You're shit, you're all shits." (Me)

My face goes through multiple expressions and I speak words and then the topic moves onto breaking.

"You act badly. No one wants you. Your family hates you."

"Says who? Not my family for sure." (Me) 

"Your mother wants you to move out. She hates you."

"Not my mother then. I've had this conversation with her." (Me)

"Why do you curse so much? You're the shit one. You behave terribly."

"Who the fuck wouldn't after this ordeal. You made me go through hell last year." (Me)

"There's no proof. You need to come here. I'll kill you."

"Where?! Where the bloody fuck am I supposed to come? I don't know where you are!"

"They can't see us. They can't hear us."

"I'll ruin you! That's why I'm doing this! I'm torturing you because I don't like you!"

"Why the fuck would I want to be your friend??" (Me)

"I never asked you to be my friend!"

"You're a shit-face and a dung collector and go rot in hell!" (Me) 


	68. Revolutions

My dearest wish is that just like in America right now, people would embrace their power and make gods change if the gods in question do, at times, try to control humans. You don't need to elevate them as figureheads if they do things like this. You don't need to look at their title and bow. Gods were created too, I think. They aren't all-powerful or if they're behemoths, they can be tumbled down. You would want to be you, wouldn't you?

I have heard words of "we'll quit" and "I won't. They deserve this." and I begin to think again. I feel oddly stretched out, like gum. Physically there's nothing wrong with me, but there's an attack coming in from the outside. When I insult them, they insult me and vice versa. Today they've threatened to kill again and I'm beginning to feel comfortable with that idea. Things change and if you had to listen to this for a long time, you'd change too.

My only question is, if this is schizophrenia, why isn't any medication helping? 


	69. Dear diary

Today the voice tried to convince me that I'm a psychopath (I had managed to explain to them that only psychopaths could be taken to a nursing home according to my mother) and that I acted so prickly because I was "broken", never mind that I don't believe in people being broken.

They also made caricatures of my personality traits and started treating me with them. Afterwards they said "this is how you act, you're a shit."

The person who does this is a shit. They realise it, I realise it, probably everyone they know knows it. They just repeat my name and show me pictures of Egyptian looking figures. I think this is some grand manipulation scheme. 


	70. Why I'm dubious

I hear a lot of "who did this", "you aren't going to insult me, I can do this" and "why am I going to die from this?" One of the favourite lines is "This continues, I want you in a nursing home." Today what pissed me off after I blew at them was "Don't get children." 

What they're doing shouldn't be legal. Some tell me it is legal, others say it isn't.

All the same. I get pissed at the voices still. 


	71. Are you sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and hits. I hope these installments find you well.

Are you sure you're mentally ill or if you've just become hypersensitive to certain things due to doctors and hospital? Many young people and witches would fill the boxes of psychotic disorders because they find messages and such directed at them. Many people that aren't mentally ill experience hallucinations (e. g. UFOs, or ghosts) and see messages aimed at them. That doesn't make you crazy. There's countless articles on parapsychology and etherical things to convince you of these things. Many are armed with religious undertones and aimed to indoctrinate you because we know do little.

I eagerly await the world to come to a realization that you can't put people in boxes. I can't hear any voices despite being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I don't think anyone's trying to poison me anymore despite there being an episode a couple of months ago where the speech said the pain killer I had eaten was actually wrong for me. I was frantically trying to throw it up. Now the voice is more concerned about me nog believing it. I've also been labeled an idiot but I hardly believe that. It's just a comment. I'm more concerned about these "this continues" English replies that I hear or whose words I register.

"You haven't seen anything. This is a god *a picture flashes in my mind*. Have you seen that?"

"No, he didn't look like that." I'm, of course, talking about the bird man.

Should humanity and gods ever fight, I hope the bird man gets to live alone in his settlement for many peaceful years. 


	72. I no longer fear death but fight against it

Last year I thought I received a fae guard due to hanging out with certain people, so after enduring daily nails in your body treatment, I finally said "My fae guard, kill them".

Needless to say, the voices panicked. After that, I've received threats to my well-being, to my family, to my pets and they especially like to say I will die. I've been told "kill them" by someone numerous times, as if to scare me, so I got used to it. You begin to filter the noise so that every "We'll kill you" becomes less and less important. Sooner or later, you don't believe them anymore. You start threatening back and insulting them but they enjoy this treatment. The goal of these voices is either suicide or some nursery home. They want others to think I'm mad. I've been bullied countless times by them saying "why are you talking, you're mad, go to a hospital" when it's them making me talk in the first place.

You start to fight against death like a knight. If they send someone after me, I'm going to fight. Not against innocent civilians but after this "we'll hire someone" dude that the voices love to threaten me with. They said he's going to have a gun, when it's unlikely. They say he's going to come when I sleep. You just fight against this treatment. You can't stop them or hit them till they drop but you can have nerves of steel and be ready for a fight or to call the police if someone shady enters your property with a gun. 

My question is, why are the voices doing this in the first place? Is the bird man looking for me? I haven't seen any dreams of him at all. 


	73. That man

I do ponder if gods need to look for things or if anything is just delivered to them. They probably have servants. 

Regardless, I doubt I'll ever see the bird man again. 


	74. Pondering

At times I notice that when I try to think in animations, my thoughts get frequently cut off. I also notice that the previously broad mind I had is shrinking slightly. I find it difficult to think for other people now and assume their thoughts. This is specific true for characters from TV shows and cartoons. 

It's a shame but not something I have control over. I'm also occasionally told that "You're not going there again". The only occasion where this seems appropriate is if the subject is my trip to the bird man's small city and pyramid. It could also mean someone coming to me or then this could all get grouped under schizophrenia. I doubt it since the voice, while a shit, is a conversationalist.

Regardless of these not so innocent proceedings, I truly await the day where it doesn't feel like someone's trying to control my thoughts. 


	75. We didn't make it.

Says the voices. They said I'm broken and call me a whore. 

What a grand time to be alive. These people have nothing better to do. 

And what voice tells you "I'm your voice, I'm you". Like, come on. 


	76. About angels

Due to my personal convictions that angels don't exist, I write about them as such. This doesn't mean that you as the reader need to not believe in them. If they bring you security or you're a staunch Christian or whoever believes in angels, then go for it. Just remember to take your medication before any angel therapies or treatments. Also know that so long as science cannot prove them and you cannot see them, they're very unlikely to help you against your problems. 


	77. Today on the Eastern front...

The speech voices insist I won't come "there" again, that I'm forbidden from coming. They also insist I mustn't get any children, that I must promise them that.

Unfortunately I spent a good part of last year with a self-proclaimed fae who said I had to be a fucking dumbass to agree with bodiless voices on anything. That stuck, especially the way it was delivered.

My own thoughts about this mater are this: this entire fiasco is due to the bird man. It is that or then this is some wayward god. I have never heard of schizophrenia doing this. 


	78. Some dialogue from today

"This will be forbidden."

"Why? I'm-"

"This is unfair!"

"Are you stupid? That's unfair to you?" (Me)

"I can talk-" (gets cut off)

"You'll be let go."

"You'll die then."

"Whatever." (Me)

"You really will die."

"X (My name here)..." 


	79. What irritates me the most

These people just came out of the skies and changed my way of thinking. I miss my animations. They insist it was a psychosis but I trained myself to think like that. I had been doing it for a decade at least. These make-believe doctors irritate me. And there is nothing I can do to make my point across. If I do, I get weird pictures of what the voices have dubbed as "gods" but in truth, aren't.

I don't see gods. I see the wreckage that my mind has become and I don't even trust my dreams anymore. I just want these people gone. 


	80. I'm in your body.

The voice has been going on about that for almost half a year. From my first shakes and scribbled "call 911", it's always been about bullying. Nowadays someone cuts the voice's messages to me so I don't have to listen to them all the time. It's been going on about how it can see me and telling me where I am and so on. Now it's also about how I'm the voice and that I'm crazy. Very stereotypical bullying. I'm thankful to whoever is making me deaf to the voice. It's definitely not in my body, stuff like spirits and such can't probably enter your body. It's superstition.

The voice tells me it hates me. That I have a child and that I killed it. It will tell everyone and cause whatever kind of moral bankruptcy it can. 

Personally I find it stupid and you shouldn't believe in invisible babies. Ghost pregnancies aren't real, you need proper sex to have a child. 

And now I'm supposedly stupid. Jeez, what a ride. 


	81. Today...

Today the voices insist I'm spying on them. Also, weird feelings around my head. 


	82. Hasty voices

I've been hearing lots of angry and hasty voices. The angry one wants to kill me but the hasty voices keep saying "No" or something else. There's also someone who kept asking "who did this?"

Some pictures flash in my mind but these seem hardly important. Today I've been feeling disparity and a sense of not being in control. Sometimes the voice quietens to listen me writing these things. 


	83. Gods aren't invisible

If something is invisible, it's a fraud. No, energy doesn't count, energy doesn't make things invisible. Gods just live far away in the stars and probably don't concern themselves with mortal ails. The bird man looked like he was living in some private villa pyramid so I'm making a guess based on that. Regardless, he was very much alive and not invisible. You'd notice a god if such a thing walked past you. You'd have to notice angels too because they aren't invisible. But God's are at least real, just far away. 


	84. Truth

Truth is something I thought I had acquired last year. Messages from the above, celestial signs and such. I thought the coughs and whatever voices I produced were equal to decide if a matter was either True or False. My teacher doubted this from the day one since I told them about it. In the endgame, I should have too. It was just the starting tone for this person that plagues me to this day. The person who insists they are a voice of my schizophrenia.

This person said they were Truth after a pause today. It's no wonder Truth was so skewed and I didn't end up using it much. Still, those signs and voices heralded a much greater problem and I'm glad it doesn't happen anymore. 


	85. Caricatures talk

"Don't you notice it? I behave like you. This is how you are. You should change."

"Why ?" (Me)

"Don't you see how annoying I am? Change."

"Well I don't take orders from shit heads." (Me)

"I didn't hear that."

"You're a natural shit head. I'll repeat it as many times as needed." (Me)

"I didn't hear that. We're like children."

"Don't use children as excuses for your shittiness. You just are like this." (Me)

"I'm not usually like this. I'm trying to break you."

"See ? You behave equally bad and worse. You are here to torment." (Me)

"I'm never going to leave. I'm your voice. I'm having sex with you, you just don't feel it."

"Yeah right." (Me) 

"You have a child. Mommy...see?"

"I don't have a child. I have never given birth." (Me) 

"And you never will. No one wants a crazy. No one will have you. You talk."

"Can you shut up for like five minutes? I thought you were supposed to be me." (Me) 

"I'm not like you. I can't stay quiet."

"Okay, whatever. Changing you seems to be futile. I'm not sure why anyone would bother." (Me) 

"Is there someone here? Are you talking with someone?"

"I'm getting angry."

"This is someone. Someone's talking."

"I'll kill them. I'll find them."

"I'd never say that, I love them, they're with me."

"I'll find them."

"Oh, that's how it works. Now we'll talk. You're a whore and you have a child."

"You'll lose your child. You lost them. They took them away."

"This is beginning to sound like you lost your mind." (Me) 


	86. Change

They want to usher a change in me. They want me to thoroughly change. They also said they were going to kill me and continue talking about how I act.

"This is how you act. Do you hate yourself?"

No, I don't actually. I'm beginning to think there's a group somewhere out there that does this. That it not just one person.

Whenever I try to argue with them or tell them to shut up, they say "more" and ask "does it hurt?"

It's clearly an intimidation tactic. I have a feeling that that feeling of having some strings cut off from your back is partially responsible for my state now. It happened last year. I can walk just fine though.

We also talked of rape. They talked about how they had been raped, how they're a child, how they're forced to do this and then someone gets angry when I call them a whore. I maintain my statement even if they were a child. What they're doing is torture.

And I just heard my name being repeated. There's talk of how I deserve this. Bull crap. They're egotistical abusers who do what they want and I can't stop it. They ruined meditation for me so I won't do it even if I'm asked to do it by them.

All in all, I'm beginning to regret the trip to the bird man's. However it happened, someone got to know about it and is here to torment. They said gods don't like visitors.

In my humble opinion, they aren't a god and if they were, they don't get to talk for others. I don't know the bird man's opinion on this either, we didn't talk. They're just angry someone saw a god.

God's aren't almighty. They too need to look for things and don't know everything. But they accept this torment apparently since I haven't seen anything to point me towards another conclusion. I will maintain my vigil and tell you how life goes. At least I get to sleep well. 


	87. In the morning

It starts right as I wake up. They tell me they're protecting others from me because I'm crazy and don't know what I'm doing. First they try to convince me I see other people and spy on them (which is impossible), then they try to bring children into this and lastly they use deplorable voice to silence my protests and tell me this is for my own good.

It's classic abuse. I know what I've done and what I haven't. There's no such thing as being crazy, unless you lack education. There's only mental illness and these people are abusing mine.

"I'm taking care of you."

"You abuse, you don't take care." (Me)

"You don't know what's real."

"I do." (Me)

"All of this is your own fault."

"No, it definitely isn't." (Me)

What a lovely morning. 

"Someone will catch you one day." (Me) 

"No, they won't." 


	88. What if...

Do gods use dreams to frighten and encourage us? 


	89. The bitch

This person is very sensitive to insults, will insult back, doesn't respect your need to be alone and will become angry when confronted. You also shouldn't talk to them even though they will talk to you and try to guilt trip you into behaving the way they want. They're a classical manipulator, possibly a woman, who thinks it's very alright to try and "break" people. They think I've ruined god and keep telling me everyone hates me, even my family. Such is, of course, not true but this sensitive butterfly will certainly scavenge for all weaknesses they can find.

At the current moment, my only way of fighting back is through insults. They insist I have an invisible child whom they've, so far: killed, maimed, adopted, made to hate me, made to speak to me, made to think I'm a whore et cetera. If this occurs to you, don't believe a single word they say and just continue your day. You can't have invisible babies, this person is just a bitch who hasn't gotten bitten back yet.

You might gave ghost pains alongside these threats and whatnot. If you have visited a doctor and everything has been deemed to be alright, fear not and just bear it. Otherwise, go visit a doctor. 


	90. How

"How do you know me? I'm not following your speech. You're just crazy."

"And you're just a whore." (Me)

I'm now mimicking surprised faces. Mouth in a gasp, eyes wide.

"X...why are you mimicking us?"

This is one of the more stressful things. It seems like they know what faces I'm making. Another possibility is that they're making me mimick them.

"She gets it..." (said in a whisper).

"You're crazy, X. That's why you do this. Go to a nursing home."

A bit of silence. Then: "Are you writing about this?"

"Yes." (Me)

"This is what we want." I now mimick slightly irritated faces. Now comes a bit of surprise. Now comes glee.

"Now you will mimick me. Don't write about this."

I'm writing this for future generations. If this happens around the world all the time, here's my case and the proof this happened. They talked about how something wasn't working earlier today.

"You will become stupid."

"They're writing about this."

"No one will believe you. You're crazy, that's why you do this."

As you can see, these people are abusers and I hope we have chances to fight against them in the future. This propably isn't schizophrenia, this is torture. 

"I won't talk to you anymore."

"You're crazy, that's why you do this."

"Let's get out of here."

"Don't write. Nobody will believe you. No one will read your writings."

"We tried to heal you, nurture you."

"We won't do it again."

You have to understand that this isn't healing. If speaking other people's replies and mimicking their expressions helped me, then I'd be better already. But no, this is just another form of torture. Don't believe their benign words, they're shit heads. 

"We're trying to help." Yet they've done nothing helpful to me at all. I just hear their replies as echoes in my head and that's why I'm on medication now.

"I'll kill you, if you write about me like this. I can do it. I won't talk to you anymore. Never. You're writing about me. You're ruining my reputation."

Exactly what I'm aiming at here. One day humanity will have advanced beyond them and one day they too will be held accountable for their crimes. 

"This is time-travel. I'm time-traveling. Your fanfiction character doesn't like you. You're a whore."

"Who's torturing this one." You don't need to believe these kind of words either. They don't mean them. They're the ones doing this and they know it.

"I'm never helping you again."

They have never helped me to begin with. They just made me talk and mimick things. 

"You don't understand otherwise!"

See? They did this, they know what they're doing.

"I'll disappear. You'll never hear from me again."

That would be great. Stopping this mimicking and repeating would be heaven. On the other hand, maybe heaven doesn't exist either. 

"Heaven exists. You're a whore. You have a child. I killed it. You won't write about this."

Yes, I will. There's nothing better to do and this isn't normal.

"You'll never get children."

Okay,we're back to old insults.

"Cry. I want you to cry. No one will save you. No one will come. I'll go away, I'm a voice."

See the amount of bullshit this guy spews? I can't figure out their gender and they keep doing those pushes every now and then. They'll say things like "no you won't do this and that, now you can't do it" and such. Thing is, they've been here for my entire psychosis, they know what clicks and what doesn't.

"I didn't know you can't do this. I didn't know it was prohibited."

Bull crap. This guy is full of bull crap. They're just angry I saw the bird man and don't believe in Jesus and angels or heaven and hell. 


	91. I don't exist

What voice says that? And if they do, I think it's a bully.

"Are you talking to me? I don't exist."

"Don't try that, you whore." (Me) 

"Are you talking to me?"

"That's your child."

"Do you think I'd believe that? You use the same tactic all the time. I don't have a child." (Me) 

"So you're abandoning them? You're a bad mother."

Now I see a picture flash behind my eyes. It's probably their creation. 

"Your mother doesn't believe in you."

"Mom, stop writing. Mom, you're a whore."

"Mom, I want you to die. Please die."

"Your child is calling for you. Come here, I want to fight. I have a bodyguard."

"No, they don't."

"You're a whore, you're ugly, you're nothing."

See? They do this at least ten times a day and expect it to work. Idiotic.

"Mom, I want you here."

Thank god I already went through different pregnancies, loss of children and et cetera during my psychosis. Otherwise this would have probably affected me too. 

"That's good to know." 

"There, you exist." (Me)

Different arrays of expression. This person calmly observes their creation and have made it clear they want me to kill myself. I wish the same on them.

"You don't believe in honor."

I already went through whatever kind of silly honors girls came up with while I was a child. 

"You're a whore."

See, now we arrive to the crux of the problem. This person doesn't like that I saw the bird man. It all comes down to that. They think I left a child behind-

"I can see through your eyes!"

-and that I had sex with the bird man. Nothing of such ever happened, no matter how much this person screams it did. They just want to know all that happened while I was there. They're a stalker, an abuser and possibly a woman while we're at it.

"I'm a man."

See? It's very hard to think this as schizophrenia. 


	92. They want to kill

"I'll kill you one day. I can do it."

Yeah sure. Would work better if they didn't do this many times a day. 


	93. Reaping rewards

Today it became clear that they have been trying to talk to me about things. I only heard a single word "homosexuality" but it made things clear. When confronted with this attempt at indoctrination, they said they'd kill me. They have likely been trying to tell me things about gods but I have to say this: don't believe them. They make words run in echoes inside your head and try to "correct your path". These are either loyalists or just some people who have staunch ideas about things. That doesn't change the fact that they will threaten to kill you at all points. They need the power balance to stay in status quo, they don't like changes.

Sometimes they also ask "does it hurt?" and I'm inclined to believe they want to cause pain. This stems from their need to control. They want their reputation to remain untarnished and they will attack if the reputation is under a threat.

"You don't understand anything."

What is there to understand except that they're abusers? Anyone who makes others speak and repeat lines and expressions is no friend of mine.

"Kill them, they suffer."

Such were the last words for now. 


	94. God's aren't everywhere and in everything

That's probably the biggest gripe I have for now. Well, maybe it isn't a gripe, just something everyone should understand. I don't know how powerful gods are but they aren't almighty. They're figureheads, aspirations et cetera. They too live their own lives somewhere out there.

"I'll write a book about you. You'll become a whore. You'll die."

The usual actual gripes come with me writing this. This is a person who is a fanatic. 


	95. Decision

Since they seem insistent on mirroring my personality, threatening me and not leaving me alone, I've decided to only update this work when something new happens. I can't keep telling you of the same things every week. I just keep talking, keep arguing and nothing changes. They want me to change but I'm content the way I am. They don't care much for others, that's become clear as day. Otherwise they'd live and let live. I can't repeat my visit to the bird man though they want me to go somewhere. They just won't leave me alone.

I really hope they'd drop dead if they aren't going to leave. 


	96. The voices

Sometimes, today included, someone says "These aren't voices. Someone's torturing."

And that's that. If you decide to see gods one day, make sure you aren't abused as an afterthought. These people are brutal. 

I've seen pictures of a shady group, of the white haired man and of the bird man. Now someone said" They're looking for me. They won't find me. Not in time at least. I'll kill you first."

And that's that of that. Again. I eagerly await the day this mystery gets solved. 


	97. Don't write

These people don't want me to write any notes or books about this and they actively want me to delete this. Despite this, I'm going to continue to write and be in contact with medical professionals should something change.

If this happens to you, don't only listen to the voices. My voices want me to either die or go to a facility and they're very insistent on no one believing in me. Facilities aren't going to help against this, you're just going to be closer to professionnals. You need to decide if you want to be closer to your family or if you need some alone time at the hospital.

I'm also thinking of sharing this story somewhere else. I want people to read about this. If this is only my schizo affective disorder then this is terrifying. But I'm never going to give up. If this is a group or a god doing this, humanity will find out one day. If that's the case then we need to rise against the tide and fight for our rights. 


	98. Start it again

I heard that today, followed by a "I won't."

I have mimicked someone's face all day and am beginning to be unsure of this. I have also experienced many déjà vus. Otherwise It's been a nice day, if one ignores my name being repeated sometimes. 


	99. You need to understand

This guy isn't in your body, no matter what they tell you. You also don't have any invisible children that are with this guy. You don't give birth passed out in your bed and don't know about it. They might start saying things like "mommy, I'm here" and the such but there's no child with them or if there is, it's not yours. There'll also be comments on how the child hates you or is ashamed of you or wants you to be killed but these are bullocks. If you start hearing things, unlike me, you should rule out schizophrenia first and visit a doctor. But I bet normal voices don't change their source as frequently as this guy does.

They'll say it's you who's talking, that you hate yourself. Then they'll go for the child explanation, then that it's a god. They have even said they're my teacher, which is dumb. They're trying all things to get jabs at your self-confidence and this continues for months.

They will stalk you but they can't see what you're doing, they can only guess. They'll follow your speech and answer you sometimes, though. Giving out the simplest information becomes a chore when this guy starts threatening to kill you. Writing out your full name, social security number, your address, they'll attack all of these.

Now they're speaking as if I'm mad and need treatment. These are not voices, this is someone who is deliberately cruel and does this in a practices manner. 

They have even said I hate you multiple times and "you visited me". I bet if you hear voices you could hear these being said in different tones and voices. The voice tries to make it so that you're alone and threatened. If you won't go to a hospital (again) then they'll try getting you into jail. They'll try everything to ruin your life.

Egyptian gods would probably not threaten you. I find it hard to believe they would. I don't know almost anything about the bird man but something tells me he wouldn't do this.

I don't know if this person is a group, female or male but I will find out and tell you it here. So long as my medication does nothing for these voices, and I've tried many, this isn't schizophrenia. 


	100. Peace

There have been little to no voices for this day and yesterday. I am thankful for this reprieve but I doubt it will last. Before these days, the emphasis was mostly on bullying and my non-existent children. Now I have heard my name being said for two to three times but that's a lot better than those previous 60-70 times a day. It feels like someone is viewing this world through my eyes and I still mimicked a surprised face when I said that but I'm not repeating whole sentences now so it's good.

I haven't had any pictures flash in my mind but it's difficult to think certain things. There are these tiny pressures and pushes here and there and they sometimes make me lose the red thread of thinking.

"X, go to a hospital."

I won't go there again this soon. Besides, any consideration this voice shows me will be met with instant rebuttal. I haven't forgotten the torture they made me go through. I still doubt some of my expressions. And it's weird to realise there's always someone there with you. At the current moment, I find it disgusting. No doubt if I said anything controversial, I'd be given an answer I didn't ask for. 

"You didn't have a psychosis. I don't believe it."

And no doubt the voice also thinks I'm stupid to boot. And what did I say about answers? If this is a god, they're a shit head.

Sometimes it feels like there's someone adjusting my expressions. It's not nice to be able to feel this. I require no voices, no adjustments, no admonishing or fear mongering. I just need to be myself for a couple of months but these people won't leave. They're here for something. 


	101. These days

At times it feels like I'm beyond pain and suffering in physical sense and that I've achieved a state where I need neither promises of Eden or gods. The voices have mostly stopped and I have realised that if god exists, he let's us live in peace as well. He doesn't stop anyone from acting the way they want of "need" but casually observed us from afar. It must be safer for him that way. We have many weapons these days. Yet, it feels like, no amount of war or orders could have saved me from not caring anymore. The mean quips about children being involved in this torture no longer phase me. I have gotten used to it. At least I've grown as a person and my only problem seems to be that I burn in the sun in the summer.

I've also thought what it means to grow as a person. Do we simply give up some things and call it adulthood? Or do we simply keep delivering until we realise there is no magic and that even God's could be mortal? Do we protect our inner child or do we live with it to bear our mistakes and get more calloused as we go? I don't believe in single concept called adulthood anymore. That seems naive to me these days. 


	102. It's not you

Like I said, this voice will do anything to attack you. One of its favourite ways to do this is to say that it's actually you, as if you had a secret side to yourself that started talking to you. This isn't possible except in popular TV series where there's actually a portrayal of psychological distress happening. I like to think of the voice as a parasite. Its views and personality do not represent you, it's just some shit head playing around. If you confront the voice about its behavior, it's going to resort to other verbal abuse tactics, change the subject or play a child. You wouldn't be angry at an innocent child, would you?

Personally I'd give that kind of a brat a piece of my mind regardless. No one's being coerced into doing anything either, don't worry about that. The voice sometimes plays like there's a child that's being forced to do someone else's bidding but this is bullshit.

So at the end, remember that this person isn't you, there's no one being forced to abuse you and if you start mimicking expressions it means that this shit head is either creative or someone's helping you. Don't fall for any of its bs, you're smarter than that. Of course, if you hear the voices constantly, you are likely to change from exhaustion. I hope that doesn't happen to you. 


	103. Lack of belief

It certainly shouldn't come across as funny that I no longer believe in angels or demons or anything supernatural except gods. In the future, I will show you the bird man that I saw during my meditation through art so that you can get a feeling of seeing him too. In fact, I want people to be aware of him. If, in the future, humanity advances so much that we get to see gods, I'd like there to be some documentation of this evasive character I encountered. So I will have him drawn. Maybe it will take a hundred years, maybe a thousand, but still, the net is eternal if something radical doesn't happen so I lay my trust on that.  
  
Believing in demons and angels and fae is something that's going on in Tumblr. They talk of contracts, how they summon demons through rituals and banish them just as quickly, but this is superstition. I should have believed my mother who told me so before I got involved with these things. As I seemingly follow the "there are no invisible things" belief, I can't believe in things that aren't visible to us. I only believe in gods because I might have seen one. Then again, there's a definition "thinks they have seen a god/gods and get messages" in the small print of a definition of a psychosis. Humans just don't believe anymore, and I don't blame them. We don't need gods to explain natural phenomena anymore. We don't need to pray to them to succeed and still Christianity is one of the most wide-spread religions around. There are still people who need gods as emotional support.

In fact, I'm not sure I'd believe someone if they told me they had seen a god. That's why I will have the bird man drawn. There's now my notes and a picture added to them for someone in the future. Maybe he will die before we manage to make contact? Maybe it was just a moving picture but I doubt it. It was so life-like and I stood behind him. That's why he's the only one I believe in, because I saw him when I still wasn't sick. When I wasn't talking, when I didn't hear my name being repeated and when I didn't mimic someone's facial expressions. There's someone bitter over this fact and they insist on being here, with me, without my consent. There's someone who was very insistent on me being mad for talking with them, answering them and then starting to question them. They no longer control my life but it isn't funny to have your speech being analyzed all the time.

Where-ever you are, bird man, I won't start worshiping you nor will I want to start some new wacky religion. I just want the world to know that you might exist. And I will have you drawn.


	104. Depression

In all honesty, even the doctors seemed confused if I had depression or not. I started filling those forms that ask you questions when I was at a bad point last year. I had just started hearing voices which answered me, I had just started feeling these different sensations around my body and I actually thought some god wanted to kill me. I literally thought that my life was in danger every day for months and this made me depressed and I cried. The anti-depressants never seemed to help me. They don't delete your emotions and when I was panicking, I cried. That's not something anti-depressants can help with.  
  
But I still got diagnosed with depression because I filled those forms as truthfully as I could. Some of those questions even bothered me. Like...isn't this something a completely healthy person could think of too? Naturally I trust doctors but I've had so many visits to them that I realise that medical science is still very much trial and error. And I believe eating anti-depressants only made me hungrier and I gained a bit of weight. They didn't help with my fear of powerful thoughts, nor with the fact that I thought someone was out there to kill me and that I had to kill them first. Not everything about last year was about depression. It was about a bad teacher, bad advice and bad voices that I no longer hear with such clarity. I hope someday my mouth doesn't run off without me wanting to and my expressions stay my own.


	105. About the voices again

Sometimes I hear a particularly clear sound, after which I hear a clear "Now!" or "Do you hear this?". A moment ago I heard the word incest and now I hear the word "mother". It's clear there's some ploy going on again. Like I said, these voices will try to attack you from every front. I can only imagine what someone who's against certain issues would feel about this. I'm lucky I don't care that much.  
  
Remember, there's no one actually talking seriously. You aren't ignoring any abused children or some abused woman. You're just ignoring a shit head, whose smug expressions that change to childlike ones you're experiencing. It'll be "I can't believe you don't care about this" and "see?" as if you're being showcased to someone. But you aren't. They're just trying to paint you in bad light.  
  
Part of me thinks someone's trying to paint the bird man in bad light. That's not an issue, since I don't believe something I haven't seen. I learned that the hard way.


	106. Grade B liar

"I'm right next to you. You just can't see me."  
"Mom, I'm in pain."  
"You're a jerk."  
"She/he died."  
"I see everything you do."  
"I'll tell everyone your X."  
"Mom, I hate you."  
"Don't write that. I don't want you to."  
"You heard me correctly."  
"Your child is giving birth."  
"I hear you. You have a child. I'll leave." (This, presumably, being my invisible child.)  
"Your child killed themselves."  
  
These just in from the western front. Hot from the oven, served today. I'm in the hands of a grade A abuser and a manipulator.  
  
"No one will believe you."  
  
Like I said, it's going to be enough if that one scientist reads this. I'm sure they'd have a field day with this jerk.  
  
"I won't call you a child but this behavior is something I expect out of a 5-year-old." (Me.)  
"I'm a child. I'm 5."  
  
This. This is what I have to put up with.


	107. Some next level BS

The long term goal of this person seems to be to drive me insane. They flat out said it while playing a childlike character. Being crazy is apparently "fun". Well, in my opinion the crazies need a good night's sleep and a lot of understanding. They seemed to enjoy driving the childlike character insane and saying stuff like "I'm in your body, I'm with you now, now we're together" and such.  
  
I really am beginning to be convinced that this is some person with too much time in their hands. It's a good thing I've roleplayed with myself for years.  
  
The bird man came up. He's apparently there with them. That he's annoyed or embarrassed of me. Well, he can be? I mean I don't mind it, but I highly doubt this elusive figure is with them. I also highly doubt he'd ever do this.


	108. By the way...

There might come tugs and pushes in your mind and this voice enjoys telling you you're dead but you aren't dead. They're just doing whatever they can to unsettle you. And when this fails, they'll call you crazy.  
  
It's a particular feeling that humans probably can't replicate when I say the word "tug". You might experience it differently and so long as doctors and our tests say my head is fine then I'll choose to believe them. I know this sounds a bit unhinged but this is my everyday life right now.  
  
I hope some day scientists figure out a way to let other people listen to these voices in our head. Well, I don't actually hear them as voices, I think my brain just registers it as speech or something.


	109. It did occur to me

I'm very likely not mimicking anyone's expressions. This is likely just a way to stir up drama. Sometimes the expression mimics a sickening childlike version, sometimes it's a haughty adult. Whatever lines they have prepared, they have an expression to go alongside it.  
  
Yesterday was not a good day. And now it's all about open curiosity. See, the feeling changes with each face and the end theory is that this is torture.  
  
"Go to a nursing home. You aren't there now, are you?"  
"Fuck off." (Me) 


	110. The weather

The weather has been lovely for the past days. I've had to listen to "you're going to die" and "I'll kill you" and "I'll come to you, I know where you live". It's been exhausting, so to say.

"Your police will never catch me. I'm strong. I'm armed."

"So are our police and if you come here to wreck havoc, you will be caught. I don't think you're coming since you like being hidden as a whole." (Me)

"I heard that."

"I don't give a damn." (Me)

As a matter of fact, this has disrupted my reading rhythm a lot. It's harder to read properly when you have to guess what kind of face you're going to make when the talking starts and what threat is next. At least this treatment is making me acutely aware of how abusive this person is. I'd insult them back, and I will usually, but even that seems unimportant now. I wish the weather would remain as lovely as it has been.


	111. Right next to

"He's standing right next to you."

Remember, there are no invisible creatures. It's all a power play by those who know better. The bird man isn't here. There's only this voice, me and my book. And a lovely weather.

"Don't write about this. I'll kill someone if you do."

"Listen, you can't make me stop writing no matter what you do so just quit. This happened and people will know." (Me)

"I'll torture you."

"Aha." (Me; and they did.)

* * *

Today the voices argued, insulted me, were befuddled that they shouldn't speak to me and didn't understand that making someone hear voices is pure torture. They comment on my thoughts, call me dead and whatever names they can come up with. There is no respite, no room for myself. Just tugs, pushes and my mouth talking.

I hope these people die painfully.


	112. Some talking again

"You can see me, I'm Ra."

"I'm your daughter."

"You abandoned your son."

"I'm right next to you."

"Continue, she can't take it."

"X, I hate you. I'm broken. That's why I do this."

"I'm a child."

"I'm your real mother!"

"I can talk, this isn't torture."

"Don't write about this."

"You'll die! Soon! In a moment!"

"Did someone say go to sleep to me? Well you go to sleep."

"No one calls me a shit head!"

"You're broken, that's why you talk."

"Everyone is lying to you. I'm not. I'm Ra. You've seen me."

A curious expression. "Now you hear. Now you'll go mad."

"And you'll stay mad. This continues forever."

"I won't be executed."

"You came into my body. I hate you. She's reading my mind."

"You're no longer pregnant. I killed your child."

"I'll come and kill your child."

"I'm laughing. You can't even speak."

"Someone just got angry. That's a sign." (I'm listening to music here).

"Go to a nursing home, you're mad."

"And never come back from there."

"I shave." (I'm just rubbing my foot.)

"This is normal in schizophrenia."

"I won't stop anymore. I'm going to die either way."

"Mom, I'm going to kill myself. I have a gun, I can do it."

"You aren't my mother, she is."

"I'll kill you one day."

"She doesn't exist. Does it hurt?"

"I'll go to jail and then I'll come back. No one can stop me."

"Ra is here. He hates you."

"I showed you my cunt. I'm also naked. They can see me."

"They don't like you."

"I'll stop, you aren't a medium."

And their favourite: "This was a test. Mom, I hate you."

"Now you hear! Listen to me, you're a whore and I don't like you. Don't come here."

"You're underage, I'm an adult. Listen to me, trust me." (I'm not underage)

"I'm your voice. I'm not your child."

"More." (They repeat this every time I insult them or see a suffering picture.)

"You're giving birth! You just don't notice it!" (Bullshit)

"You're torturing a god. You'll be caught." (I just thought of the bird man.)

"I can't read your mind, you can think."

It's like a circus over here. I'm once again doubting the true nature of schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. Also, it feels like this is a woman. Mediums don't exist. This isn't any "clear" skill, those don't exist. 


	113. Behind you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://mosaiq.dreamwidth.org/

Honestly, it feels like there's constantly someone behind my own self, just waiting to mimic some expressions. And now it's quiet.

"You can't be talked to."

Just as I was not expecting a reply.

"You're coming here to kill me. I'm scared."

"I'm not coming though." (Me)

"Scaredy cat. I'll kill you when you come."

Once again, this is about the bird man.


	114. The Play

The voices like to play that they are caught or that there's a child doing all this persecution. They also like to play a lot with the "we're innocent/you're innocent" scheme, as if there was someone else saying it to them. I suspect this is a strategy to get my hopes down as they're wont to say "we/I lied" afterwards. They also like to remind me that the child or person doing this is mad and they won't stop them just "because".  
  
"Who are you writing to?"  
  
And, as expected, they get oddly involved whenever I'm writing about these things. They also like to make me repeat "I'll kill you" and I suspect this is to make other people wary of me. We mostly think it's just them trying to threaten me in all possible means. There's also odd pressures around my body so I think that's due to them.   
  
"Thanks for telling me."   
  


* * *

  
  
"But you said it. You're a cow. You'll kill others."  
  
There, as expected. By making me say "I'm a cow", I am practically talking to myself according to them. They like to do this in a lot of varying scenarios.  
  
I'm the unfortunate victim in this situation.   
  
"Kill yourself."  
  
No, I won't. My life is good and I would feel immensely satisfied if this circus should end.   
  
"This'll take a long time."  
"We can't talk."  
"I can talk."  
"I'm a child."  
  
I'm curious: how many would forgive a child that persecutes ? I wouldn't. 


	115. More proof of this shithead

"I'll kill you today. You heard that? You feel this? You're going to die."  
  
I think this must be the reason why I felt something snap at my head and back.   
  
"I'll cure you, then I'll kill you."  
"I'll kill you if you write about this. You'll die, do you get it? Don't write!"  
"Don't you hear this? I forbid you from writing-, you're reading my mind, that's unfair."   
  
When humanity has advanced to the point where we can take down these kind of shit heads and gods, I'll be cheering then on from my grave.  
  
"You'll be tortured, you won't cheer anyone on!"  
"I'm your child, you abandoned me, I hate you."  
  
Once again with these ghost pregnancies and expression mimicking. They threatened to kill me multiple times before I started writing this and they're still at it. They even threatened to rape me again. All because I'm listening to music, telling them to shut up and living my life. I'm feeling some confusion, like parts of me are being moved again. Or maybe it's the pressure. If this continues, I'll go to a doctor again.  
  
"You can't handle this, " said with a smirk.  
"You'll die."  
  
This makes me remember the time when I was at the hospital and I started shaking again and I stared at my toothbrush in confusion and started talking. I remember it went like this:  
  
"I'm Isis. You're in court. You're going to die. I can't stop it." Then, when I started crying, they said: "Call your mother one last time. She deserves to know what is happening."   
  
My mother, of course, convinced me it was a load of bullcrap and that I wasn't going to die that day. She just said I needed to calm down and that she would visit me the next day.  
Surprise, I didn't die during that day or night. All in all, these people are very insistent on me doing a suicide, which makes me think they can't kill me. They sometimes ask things like "Does it hurt? Does this hurt?", which makes me think they're trying something since they add stuff like "I just hit you/stabbed you but you can't see me". I would like to repeat the first lesson I learned when I met the bird man: there are no invisible creatures but abusers come in many shapes and sizes.  
  
"You're dying, I can't stop it!"  
  
They love saying that in the same breath as they threaten me. I think they are using different voices over there to confuse me. It's a good thing they do this daily so I can get used to this. 


	116. Of rape again

There was some talk of rape and dreams. I did see a very uncomfortable dream but that's that. They have done this multiple times and have told me I'd be raped.

Today and yesterday and the day after they've also said that I should come to them because they have my "child". This child has continuously called out to me and they say it is mine due to rape or something. Anyway, don't believe this bullcrap or if you do, don't meditate. You likely won't meet a warm welcome. I know I don't have a child and even if I did, this is enough for me to let go of them. The perpetrators will play shocked and whatever and say in affronted voices "you don't care!" but that's bullshit. Value yourself more, don't mind this kind of manipulation.

"I heard that."

This persecution will likely continue for months, maybe years and I intend to get past it. I know this isn't legal at all. It cannot be, otherwise humanity has some large piles of trash to take out when they get there. 

"You died, kill yourself."

Like I said, take care of yourself. Definitely don't do as the voices command. 


	117. Heavy night

The voices are insistent on not letting me sleep and they keep questioning me about how I saw the bird man. Saying I meditated doesn't begin to cut it. They want me to die and seem to want me to suffer. I said that I wanted them to die painfully and they parroted these words back at me many times, saying they wouldn't be threatened. 

This is someone. There's no way this is schizophrenia or schizo affective disorder. They want me to delete this text, saying I will die painfully twice if I keep going. They also say they killed someone and that they hurt animals. 


	118. Speech

Yesterday I was made to confess my sexual history to my mother with a couple cherries on top. The voices made me speak and made a rift in my relationship with my mother. This isn't something I would have ever confessed had I been healthy and I don't think my sexual history belongs to my mother. But I couldn't control my speech and here we are. I also have to listen to these voices repeat my name, threaten me and even wake me up from sleep. It's getting tough but I will go to the hospital if this goes on. I will be cured from this. 


	119. Bathroom

For as long as I can remember, this voice has pretended to see through my eyes and they make it known every time I'm in the bathroom. They say they're taking pictures or filming and this happens when I'm in a shower too. I have never heard of schizophrenics having voices like these. They also say they hate me with varying levels, which I think is them mimicking someone else's voice.   
Today they said they'd circulate the bathroom pictures and now they got angry, that "I can't be talked to." 

This is bs if no one is doing anything about this person. They even got surprised when I said it's not me who's talking, it's them.   
"But you're talking! This is you! You want to die!" 

Bullcrap. Absolute bullcrap. 


	120. No sleep

They don't let me sleep and they just said what have you done in my past life and there's someone trying to make me laugh so let me just tell you this: there are no past lives. It's all a gimmick and I think some people swallow it too readily.   
  
"This didn't happen", the voices say. "Someone wants to kill us", they say.   
  
How do schizophrenics handle being the center of attention of voices? I can't handle this. I just need some peace and quiet. I think I need to repeat "I can take this, I can handle this" a lot more. All this because of one bird man.   
  
"It's like I can't get any peace in my own head," I say.   
"That's the thing though. I hate you, that's why I do this," says the voice. 


	121. No title

"Nothing is a secret to us. If we're ever attacked, we'll kill you and your family."  
"I'm torturing you for a reason. You saw a god. Gods are almighty."  
"You raped a god."   
  
1\. Gods are not almighty  
2\. Personally I find enough evidence here for our superpowers to declare this kind of behavior illegal.   
3\. In the future, I hope that people realise that someone could very well be spying on us from out there. They might even be able to view memories.  
4\. The bird man exists, though the voices seem insistent he doesn't.  
5\. If this is someone who is insistent on moulding me as they see fit, they're a shit head you should be wary of.  
6\. Talking to someone constantly can be such a stress factor. These people won't quit and won't listen to me. They just want me to apologise and go to a hospital again. Regardless, these voices won't stop. They will continue talking probably until I die and I need to get ready for that.  
7\. I haven't raped a god. 


	122. The voice again

"You'll die today."  
"I'll torture you."  
"You need to hear this, write a book about this."  
"X, I'm you."  
  
No psychologist ever is going to accept that you have an inner voice which just conveniently decides to talk to you to disarm you of everything, especially if you didn't use to have such a voice at all. It is either a shit head or a god in both cases, they need to die.  
  
I saw what I saw through meditation and by playing with pictures in my head. It was there, behind stars. One day, go there to see if the bird man and these shit heads exist.  
  
The voice is most insistent on me not getting any children. I'll say fuck you to that.  
  
"X, you need me."  
"X, you're sick."  
  
The only thing making me sick is these voices and they won't quit, no matter the medication. They're just going to keep pushing and tugging  
  
"I'm your teacher. I can delete your text."  
"I'll kill you if you write about me."  
"Do you get it? I'll kill you if you write about me!"  
  
I've already accepted that I might have a shorter lifespan ahead of me. But this text needs to be accessible to everyone. This isn't a voice only, this is someone and they're tethered to me. They can't just go and read stuff about random people, they need to be tethered to you.  
  
"I'll kill you."  
  
Wish me luck with this voice.   
  
"You said that to someone else! You want to kill someone!"  
  
Someone needs to go and kill these people if this is what they'll do to unsuspecting fellows just minding their own business. If this is a god, future people should go and terminate them. What they're doing is perverse and sick. 


	123. Of children and the madness of this voice

"You're stupid, you don't think."   
  
"X, you hear voices. I'm a doctor, you can trust me."   
  
"You'll die! You're dying!"   
  
"You wouldn't die for your child, you're no good."   
  
This voice has played by my ghost pregnancies a lot. I picked them up from Tumblr and that Discord group but believe me, there are no invisible children. Today they used that "Mom, I'll die..." line again and I can honestly say that at this point, I don't give a shit anymore.   
  
"I just understood that you've been insulting me this entire time. Don't you see, I don't exist ! This is all you, you want to die."   
  
"I don't want to though. You're just a shit head." (Me)   
  
This person trusts in the distance between us. They won't come near me, they don't see through my eyes but they like to play they do.   
  
"You can't handle this. You'll die, you'll do a suicide."   
  
They seem disinclined to murder someone though they certainly threaten with murder and violence. But you have to understand these people can't hurt you except with words. They want me to die.   
  
"I could kill you, I just don't want to. I'm here to help me. You want to die." (Hint: I don't)   
  
"X, you need to promise me you'll never go there again. You can't go to gods, it's unfair." (See? This is about the bird man again.)   
  
"Why are they angry at me? Why can't I do this? Is someone coming after me?"   
  
"Your child is here. I'll kill them if you continue. There, they died." (Notice how these people go for the lowest hanging fruit? The invisible child which apparently lives far away from me.)   
  
"I'm B (one of my teacher's characters). I hate you."   
  
"I'm your teacher. I'm so disappointed in you." ( See? I told it that we hadn't spoken in months so the voice thinks that humans can do this to each other. Makes me think of the time they made me so confused I thought I was astral traveling.)   
  
"I'll do it again. You'll die. You need to die. You just can't go to gods."   
  
"You'll die. You'll kill. You can't handle this. Then you'll go to jail and stay there."  
  
"I'll torture you. No one insults me. I'll curse you."  
  
"Curses don't exist." (Me)  
  
"They don't? Then what am I?" (Said in a childlike voice)  
  
"Stop that. X doesn't care about children. You can't threaten her like that."  
  
"I'll kill you. There, you said it. You mean it. No one wants to be with you."  
  
"I have already said to my family that I would never direct those words at them." (Me)  
  
"Hey, X doesn't move." (I suspect this has to do with the snapping sensation I felt at my back.)  
  
"Don't you see? You'll die. Today. I can't stop it. I'll drive you mad."  
  
This voice also changes identities very frequently. They say things which I can either disprove or prove by just talking to the people the voice talks about. Then the voice will say that they're lying to me, like I'd believe it.  
  
"Well don't believe me. I'm just trying to help. Everyone fears and is repulsed by you."  
  
See, something that's about some non-existent people, or some judgmental group or my family, which I can easily talk about with them. This is a classic bullying shit head.   
  
"I'll kill you. I just realised what they're going to do with me. I'll die. There, you don't have a child anymore. You just had a miscarriage."  
  
"Impossible." (Me)  
  
"I'm a god. There, now you believe me. Kill yourself. God wants it. You need to kill. God wants it." Here they realise I'm writing this down. "I'll never talk with you again."  
  
Now I thought of miscarriage as a picture from a movie.   
  
"There, how does it feel?"  
  
"It's from a movie, you fucking jerk." (Me)  
  
"I can't talk to you, I can't torture you." (They seemed angry about this.)  
  
"You'll go mad. I'll make you."   
  
"Don't you get it, they're talking to you!" (Again with the invincible group of shit heads or gods or whatever.)   
  
"I'm Ra."   
  
"No, you're not. He doesn't talk like that." (Me, remembering that one dream I had.)   
  
"I'll rape you in a dream."   
  
"I have been raped."   
  
"I think you deserve it if you behave like this." (Me)   
  
"You're stupid, they're voices. They're talking to you."   
  
"These aren't voices. It's just you, shit head."   
  
"Your brain's dead!" (Seemingly shocked)   
  
"X, I hate you." 

* * *

  
  
After an hour:  
  
"You'll be artificially inseminated. There. Be grateful." (Utter bs, and they even called me a cow.)   
  
"Mom I'm here!"   
  
"Come to your child!"   
  
"Your child is here."   
  
"Bullshit." (Me)   
  
"I don't want that kind of a mom. Kill her." (See, what child behaves like this?)   
  
"You were raped when you were young!"   
  
For the record, don't believe any rape allegations coming from this voice. It doesn't know shit and actively threatens with rape.  
  
"Do you feel this? Feel like I can't do anything?"  
  
And like that, it gets angry when provoked. Whenever I think of pictures like therapy and family and such, the voice starts shouting obscene things. For this reason, I can't visit any restaurants or remain at one place for long. Who'd want your sexual history to be public knowledge?  
  
"I'm doing this for the greater good. Oh, you're reading my mind? Tell me, who's doing it? You can trust me."  
  
"The fuck should I know? And no, you can't be trusted."  
  
"I'm leaving."  
  
"We're not killing you. I'm in your body."  
  
At this, I feel tugs in my mind. I have come to the conclusion that there's only one mind we have and that traumas and such are just either continuing or momentary afflictions on it. It's still your old mind, no matter what happens and nothing is getting shut off by these voices, don't believe them. They can only make you mimic faces and call out stupid things. To some, this might feel like a negligible thing but I used to talk all the time and it hurt me. You keep doing that for almost a year and let's see how we'll you fare. 


	124. After a whole day and a half of arguing with the voice:

"You'll start hearing voices. No one embarrasses me like this."  
  
"I'll get used to them." (Me) 


	125. No title

These people can constrict your throat, by the way. Although they insist that no one can do this, they can. I suspect that's also how they make me talk. They also want me to come to them so I suspect they know the bird man. They're probably there to kill or at least to maim.   
  
"You're crazy! No one will believe you."   
  
"I'll start screaming."   
  
"I don't exist."   
  
"Yeah, right." (Me)

* * *

  
  
"I came to destroy you."  
  
"Promise me you won't get children."  
  
The voice also mimick everything you do and will parrot back your insults when it fits them the best. It gets easily insulted and tries everything between heaven and Earth to get at you. It's that petty, this Ms Destroyer.  
  


* * *

  
  
" ... Aura..."  
  
First of all, it's dangerous to believe in auras and such when talking about mental illnesses. And so long as our science doesn't prove these things, they don't exist. Don't believe in stuff about spirit guides, clear skills and auras. So far, we haven't had any proof of them and they might even prevent you from getting treatment. This voice has used this tactic before and frightening someone by speaking of "energy pockets" or "aura" isn't a very good sign of character.  
  


* * *

  
  
"You'll go to a nursing home. You'll move out."  
  
"I'm trying to treat you, X."  
  
"When you get here, you'll go to a jail."  
  
"No matter where I go, you'd always be there so I'd rather be at home." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
"I'd never punish someone without any breaks in between!" (Me)  
  
"I'm trying to torture you here."

* * *

  
  
"X, we mauled you for a reason. We don't like you."  
  
"Don't ever sass at me again." 


	126. No title

"I could make you kill yourself." 

"You will never insult me again." 

Again, see. This was never about goodwill. This is about malicious intent. I suspect this is why the things in my back snapped. They have talked of moving me before too but fuck that. I don't believe it. 


	127. Talking with the voice

"No, but why are you doing this?" (Me)  
  
"Because I'm mad? You're mad!"  
  
"No but madness doesn't exist. I'm diagnosed with a disorder." (Me)   
  
"So you're mad."  
  
"Don't change the subject. Why are you torturing me?" (Me)   
  
"You're talking to yourself. Don't you hear that?"  
  
"Again, why are you doing this?" (Me)   
  
"Because I want to. I get it, I'm bad."  
  
"No, you're shit. I have never met such a shit as you. You take all the glory being a shit." (Me)   
  
"Thank you."  
  
"That wasn't a compliment. You're shit, don't you understand?" (Me)   
  
"I can't hear you."  
  
"No, why are you doing this?" (Me)   
  
"I like to torture."  
  
"Why are you doing this? Because I saw a god?" (Me)   
  
"No, you haven't seen anything!"  
  
"So you're here on a cruise or something? Why are you doing this?" (Me)   
  
"I'm not going to answer you."  
  
"Because you can't. This is a crime of passion." (Me)   
  
"This isn't illegal."  
  
"You're being looked for. I know you are." (Me)   
  
"Fine, this is illegal. I can't beat you in a fight. Blame yourself when you die tonight."   
  
"We both know I won't die tonight." (Me)   
  
"You'll die tonight. What does it feel like, it is your fault."   
  
"How is it my fault if you're the one murdering me?" (Me)   
  
"Well, why do you want to live? Because you enjoy life? I enjoy torture."   
  
"You could go away any moment you want but you won't. I like eating, sleeping, playing et cetera." (Me)   
  
"This is playing for me. Don't you get it?"   
  
"So you're going to be caught." (Me)   
  
"I won't, I'm you."  
  
"You're not. You will be caught." (Me)   
  
"You'd beat me with fists."   
  
"Well why are you doing things like this?" (Me)   
  
This continues for a long while afterwards and each time the voice assumes a different role or says "my turn" or "I'm the bird man" as if to cause strife. They will admit they lost and still continue on. They will also say "You're going to die" when they can't say anything worthwhile back at you. They're also angry if you can't hear voices.   
  
"I'll go to someone else. You egged me on, it's your fault."   
  
"I just don't like you. That's why I'm doing this."   
  
"Hey, why do you defend marginalised people? Why do you want to live, hey?"   
  
As you can see, this continues. And they will parrot every derogative back at you, beware. They can't handle losing or not being in control.   
  
"I'll kill you." 


	128. Talking with the voice 2

"I'm no longer playing around."

The voice wakes me and I get a few sharp tugs in my mind.

"I'm your child. I hate you. You won't raise me. You're irresponsible. You shouldn't get children."

This is how they think they can lure me in. They're here to kill. It's not the bird man, I refuse to believe that.  
I'll try to sleep this off. 


	129. Talking with the voice 3

"Don't you get it? They're gods. They can do anything. This is entirely legal."   
  
"This is persecution. You say you see me in the bathroom, you say you take pictures, you comment on my body without any regard for me, you threaten to kill me, should I continue?" (Me)  
  
"Who are you writing to?"  
  
"It's absolutely none of your business, be quiet." (Me)  
  
"What did that man tell you? Why are you going to kill a god?"  
  
"I haven't said I'd kill a god, I said be quiet." (Me)  
  
"Even though I'm doing this? I'm a god."  
  
"I'm not sure you're one and I wouldn't even know how to go there." (Me)  
  
A tug. "That was a warning. Meditate."  
  
"Just be fucking quiet." (Me)  
  
"You threatened to kill me. I took it seriously. Never tell that to anyone. You think me stupid?"  
  
"You're pretty stupid." (Me)  
  
"You're so fucking dumb. I'm torturing you. Just fucking come here. I can't kill you if you don't come."   
  
"I wouldn't come there. I don't even know how. You just tethered me to you, you aren't a god and even if you were, when we advance, humanity will kill you if you behave like this." (Me)  
  
"Don't threaten."  
  
"Don't be a shit head." (Me)  
  
"Don't threaten."  
  
"Don't be a shit head." (Me)   
  
"Di you even know what kind of a shit head you are?"  
  
"Do you even recognise how you behave?" (Me)  
  
"She's like me. She makes everything come back to you. She's hurting."  
  
"You know that doesn't work, Mr. Important." (Me)   
  
"Well I'm in your thoughts now. Kill yourself."  
  
"You will never threaten again. Or I can make you kill yourself."  
  
"I protect gods."  
  
"We're trying to deem if you're dangerous or not."  
  
"X, gods created everything. They're above anything. Start meditating or you will die."  
  
"X, do gods govern anything?"  
  
"The fuck should I know?" (Me)  
  
"Well, go and ask."  
  
"I'm not making any deals with you nor will I try to go there. I don't want to." (Me)   
  
"You're going to die if you won't go."  
  
"... Alt right..."  
  
"No, we're not."  
  
"X, corporal punishment is never the answer."   
  
"You will never get children."   
  
**  
  
I've been threatened with miscarriage, death, malnutrition and such all day. All to do with the bird man and some child. All to do with "gods are for all of us" and such bullshit. I started feeling excessively sick when I back talked them today. It's fine, I'll get used to eating small portions and small bites. Folks, if I die tonight, it's going to be because of this. Remember, gods aren't allies. Not if this happens.   
  
"I just realised I'm going to be killed today," they made me say. But small portions, we'll start with that.   
  
"Se made you blind for a reason. No one visits the gods." 


	130. Talking with the voice 4

"You shouldn't think. Your thoughts hurt me and gods."  
"See, you hurt me. Don't think."  
  
These lines get paired with my thought, that I told the voice of, that your actions shouldn't hurt other people. But don't believe the voice if it says it can read your mind or that your thoughts hurt others. Just think freely and with no problems. It's just this shit head talking crap again. 


	131. Talking with the voice 5

"X, I'm a god! I'm a child! I can do this, I can insult anyone."  
  
This just in from the home front. Only because I insult them back and they don't believe in the concept of freedom. They don't distance themselves from me, they just continue. Regular shit head behavior.   
  
"X, you need to kill yourself. I'm a god, I want it."  
  
"What makes you think you have a free pass to act like this?" (Me)  
  
"X, do you make the rules? No. Are you a god? No. Shut up, I'm not going to answer that."  
  
"You're going to get killed one day." (Me)   
  
"No one gets killed from doing this, I'm a god. I want you dead. I'm the bird man. I'm a child. I just got what I do wrong. I can't talk, I talk badly."  
  
"One day, this is going to bite you back." (Me)  
  
"Didn't you hear me? I'm a god. I can do this."  
  
"If gods act like this then they deserve to be killed one day." (Me)  
  
"X, this is acting. I'm married, I don't usually act like this. This is a test. Are you a god?"  
  
"You're a shit head and you should do your whoring someplace else." (Me)  
  
"You can't be talked to. I'm not interested in you."  
  
I assume the voice is playing the bird man here since I've never displayed interest in the voice or in the bird man. This is either someone jealous or someone who has been hired to do this.  
  
"Mad, you're mad. You believe in gods. I'll torture you soon, you won't write about us."  
  
"She is writing."  
  
"I'll kill you today. I got a permission for it."  
  
"I'll destroy your brain."  
  
"One shouldn't gaze on the gods. They're invisible. Hey, you are writing about me. I'm going to kill you, stop."  
  
"I'm going to kill my mom. There, you said it. She's going to send you to a nursing home."  
  
"I'm too old for this. Facilities don't exist any longer!"  
  
"Your mother is afraid of you now. She doesn't love you."  
  
"X, you have to kill yourself today. This will stop if you don't. You secretly like this."  
  
"X, god wants you. You need to kill. Go to jail. I beg of you."  
  
"X, you need to go to sleep. You can't handle this. You will be made stupid. You're a whore."  
  
I'm talking this as I type. This word spitting will never end, apparently. This shit head is here to stay. Someone could really kill themselves over this.  
  
**  
  
The shit head says they're acting, that they aren't actually like this but I digress. Whenever you question anything they do or disagree with them, they will start saying you're dead and weird places start hurting in me. They're also oddly insistent on me miscarrying and keep telling me my child is dead. They're bad at arguing, they will just parrot everything back at you and mimic your words and just say they aren't like this. Bullshit, I say. They say they hate me but won't elaborate, just say that I saw a god. I bet these people have something to do with the said god, but they aren't like the bird man. Now, as I typed that, I said:  
  
"X, I'm here."  
  
It's clear they want me to hate the bird man. "He did this, he raped you."  
They have also said that I should prepare myself to get raped and I parroted that back at them because they seem to employ that tactic a lot.   
  
"You have covid."  
  
I don't. And so what if I did, I would just be sick at home.   
  
"I hate you." Said with fervor.   
  
**  
  
"Your child died. I killed her. It was a girl. I just realised gods wouldn't act like this."   
  
"You're after that ass. I said that." Parroting my words back at me. All of this makes me think it is indeed a woman. "You just miscarried. There's blood, you just don't notice it because of your period."   
  
**  
  
"Puke."   
  
"Don't take your medicine, I forbid it."   
  
"You're not going to sleep."   
  
"You're a whore, you'd sleep with anyone. Go shit."   
  
"Mom, I'm watching you shit." 


	132. Talking with the voice 6

"X, you saw a god. I'll kill you one day."   
"X, I'm on your side. Don't insult me."   
"X, I hate you."   
"X, there's many of us here. We'll kill you one day."   
"X, you were already killed."   
"X, you can do anything."   
  
"I can't do anything. I'm a god, X." They made me say this.   
"No one accepts you, X. You're a whore."   
"Go take a shit, X. You want to. I realise I can't talk to you, I'm mad-"   
"Shut that trap now." (Me)   
"I'm not a whore, X. I have honor. You don't have that, you're a whore. You could sleep with everyone."   
  
This person is very anti-sex work as a whole and likes to threaten others by playing they're a god.   
  
"You're hungry. Go eat, you're fat. This is how schizophrenia works. I shouldn't have said that."   
  
"I'll kill you today. Your text won't save you then. You'll go mad."   
"You will become mad."   
"You can't write about me, I'm your child. I'm the one you raped. See, you shouldn't tell me things. This is schizophrenia, go to a nursing home. You won't be sleeping any longer."   
  
**  
  
"I'm leaving, X."  
"Me too. I don't want to be here."  
"You died, you abandoned me."  
"I just understood what they'll do to me."  
"No." 


	133. Talking with the voice 7

"X, I'm a god. You must listen to me. Kill yourself. Your child suffers because of you."  
"You think the same way as I do."  
  
**  
  
"X, I could kill you."  
"Fuck off." (Me)  
"X, I could kill you."  
"Piss off already. I don't care." (Me)   
"X, I really could kill you. You will move out and kill yourself. I'm a god."  
"Gods wouldn't act like this and even if they did, fuck them. You go kill yourself." (Me)   
"Now no one wants you. Go kill yourself. You shouldn't talk with me."  
"X, I will kill you soon if you don't stop writing about this."  
"X, do you understand that I could kill you?"  
"I just realised you don't care about your life." There's a weird sensation again. "You don't care about your life!"  
"Are you listening, X? YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE. I'm trying to annoy you."  
"I'm going to kill you now. Now!"  
"I said that calmly."  
"The bird man is here. He accepts this."  
"Now you're going to do as I say." More weird sensations.  
  
The voice is trying to destroy the bird man's reputation.  
  
"The bird man is a pedophile. He sleeps with children."  
"Then he does. I hope he doesn't hurt them." (Me)  
"Sex with children always hurts them!"  
"Does this hurt, X ? I was raped. You said you don't care about that. That's why I'm doing these things to you."  
"I just realised I can't say that."  
"X, he hurts children. Why don't you care."  
  
See? What a besmirching campaign. Last time he hurt women, apparently. Then it was all about killing me and hurting my pets and whatnot. I don't think the bird man would seek me out just to tell me this. Oh, and weird sensations around my head.  
  
" Go to a hospital. I'm a doctor -"  
"I lie too much."  
"Fuck off."  
"Fuck off you pedophile."  
  
They -love- doing this. Just find a scandalising subject and use it to your advantage, that's what they do the best. Then there's the torture too but that has eased.  
  
"You're being protected. That's why I can't kill you."  
"I'll kill you one day."  
"I hate you."  
  
This lady, possibly, could take her hate elsewhere but she doesn't and thus we're in this situation. This is downright persecution at this point.  
  
"I knew it. You don't write about everything you say or do."  
"X, I'm going to write a book about you. You'll be a whore in it."  
"Nursing home or any treatment won't help with this. I'm inside your head, I'm in your body. They'll remember all of this, won't they? I'm going to stop if that's the case."  
"You were healthy. I' ll always be here. Why don't you stop writing? I hate you."  
"You aren't healthy. Go to a hospital."  
  
"I'm your child."  
"You're the first child I'd willingly abandon." (Me)   
"I want attention."  
"Well there, your brain is being destroyed."  
"How do you always guess what I'm doing?"  
"Mom, come here now. I want to kill you."  
"Scaredy cat! You won't come."  
  
**  
  
"You'll be killed today."  
"You'll destroy yourself. I haven't done anything."  
"So you haven't talked? Bullshit." (Me) 


	134. Leftover talk

The talking starts in earnest when I try to go to sleep. Arguing ensues. They want me to listen and speak though I don't like it.  
  
"X, I've let you sleep. I could be worse." They say in my voice. As if they hadn't already made me speak left and right and in public places so that I have to avoid them altogether. They made me say "I'll beat you" to my doctor, which means I almost had to explain why I started speaking. I don't get these voices, this is torture again at this point. I feel like there's less and less of me left in me every time I speak.  
  
But judging from that comment and the voices they make me listen to, they could be much, much worse. So far my mind lies in a decrepit state and they won't let it heal at all. That's what I'm most concerned with. They also want to dictate where I can work, as if I'd be unable to handle myself in some work environments. 


	135. Leftover talk 2

"X, you aren't allowed to think. I forbid it."  
  
"Piss the fuck off." (Me) 


	136. Talking with the voice 8

"X, are you a god? Do you make the rules? Who even are you?"  
  
"I'm me and it's a basic right for humans. You shouldn't be allowed to do this. It's wrong." (Me)  
  
"You humans and your rights. There are no rights."  
  
"It's become clear humans will kill god one day. That's why we're doing this. This is vengeance. We'll do this to every--I just realised I can't say that."  
  
"You're writing again."  
  
"I'll kill you today if you write about me."  
  
Like, I don't even know who's talking but if you ever find yourself attacked by these voices, remember, you need iron will. As I have said, they love talking in death threats and won't quit until you're dead. I'm still waiting for someone to do something about this.   
  
"X, I'm beginning to lose my patience, do something on your own. You can do it, you can come here. I'll kill you then, I'm armed."   
  
"We don't need permits to carry weapons here."   
  
"You're reading my mind. No, you're just guessing."   
  
"If you start puking, you won't go to the hospital. I forbid it."   
  
Never ever let this voice tell you what you can and cannot do. Even if it turns out to be a god, they don't care for your wellbeing and are actively trying to ruin it. This one talks all the time, hinders your sleep, can make you puke and tries to make your existence a pain. They've said many times that they want me to kill myself, then they will "beat me" (like I said I'd do to them), or shoot me if I ever came near them. Notice the abuse here. You apparently shouldn't do anything, you should just take this treatment or meditate and go there to be killed. Those are your apparent choices.   
  
**  
  
"I just realised you're fighting against me. X, I'm a god. Shouting at me won't change a thing. You're going to die today."   
  
"Bitch." (Me)   
  
"Yes, I am. Thank you for the compliment. I just realised I insulted myself."   
  
"It's funny talking with you."   
  
"And you say that because of all the hits your ego has taken." (Me)   
  
"I'll kill you today."   
  
"You aren't important."   
  
"Get that through your thick head." (My lines parroted right back at me.)   
  
"I'll kill you today."   
  
"I just realised you don't give a shit about me."   
  
"Are you acting? You wouldn't go against a god."   
  
I must stress that this isn't the bird man. This is just some random shit head.   
  
"Your mother doesn't like it when you shout at me. I guess you never got enough love." (My mother's words parroted right back at me.)   
  
**  
  
"I haven't raped you. You enjoyed it. I'll never say that to you again."   
  
"I'll rape you again. You enjoyed it. You thought I was your god. Start worshiping me. This is how I work."   
  
See? A complete shit head. This is about the time I felt my body shake in bed last year and my limbs started behaving weirdly. Also, the heat waves. I thought it was the god I worshipped, since some people talked of patrons and pregnancies with creatures on Tumblr. It wasn't, gods wouldn't do that.   
  
"You shouldn't shout at me."   
  
We argue a lot about children also. Our methods of raising are different. 


	137. Leftover talk 3

The voice has now taken a "I'm protecting gods from hoes" stand, which sparked an interesting thought in me. Imagine the bird man just sitting there, his face in his hands, while multiple beautiful women line up to meet him.  
  
The thought makes me laugh.   
  
"It's not your god. I'm not a woman." 


	138. That one youtube comment that threatened everyone with military things

"X, we're everywhere. I have dispatched a team to kill you. The police won't make it."  
  
This said while the perpetrators hide in the shadows and threaten with death every hour or so. It reeks of that one YouTube comment, which brags about being in an army. Something about terrorists too. Don't ever believe a single word these people say and neither believe any pictures that you get after these voices come.  
  
**  
  
Today is a bad day. The voice has started talking about killing every time I say anything against it. It sucks and it definitely doesn't help I'm still not recovered from last year. It has also started talking about killing me and being a god more frequently. It's truly not nice and I'm beginning to support the abolishing of gods altogether if this is what happens when you gaze upon one of them. I don't think I'll ever be healthy enough if this voice is here but I will try my very best to get to the stage where I can ignore it.  
  
The voices get very angry when you comment on them and have outright said they're schizophrenia, which itself is suspicious. I need to remember that these voices came only after my shaking spell last year and when I wrote out "call 911", which wouldn't even work here. They are insistent on grooming others also although they call it talking. I have made my stance clear to them but them repeating my name and calling me continues since they insist talking isn't wrong. I must stress that no one would remain healthy should they start hearing voices that insist you have a child and that you should meditate to come to them. Don't ever meditate or go to them, they have made it clear they're ready to kill.   
  
Also don't make promises to them, they're crooked beyong belief. They have said many times that they're there to kill me. I have also threatened them to no effect whatsoever. I hope these people are caught soon and these silence spells continue.   
  
**  
  
We're arguing over who should be silent and why it's bad to make others hear voices. Again, the voice admitted to hating me and lying to me. There was also someone who said they didn't care anymore and that I'd hear voices. I hope I will be able to sleep well with the medicine. 


	139. Nursing home

"When you come here, I'm going to train you to be respectful."  
  
"And like I said, I don't want to come to a shit land that has no laws against this." (Me)  
  
"I'm only talking."  
  
"And I've said don't talk to me many times. You don't seem to get the hint." (Me)  
  
"X, I'm purposely trying to annoy you. I'm trying to kill you. Come here, or are you afraid?"   
  
"Piss off, I'm not coming." (Me)   
  
"You'll always mimic me then." (See? They don't even bother to hide it any longer.)   
  
"You're talking to a god here."  
  
"I don't care what kind of a shoddy god I'm talking to if they do this." (Me)  
  
"I don't particularly care what you think of me. You can die today."  
  
"So ransacking someone's life, having them go to a hospital three times and constantly talking to them and belittling them is okay?" (Me)  
  
"Yes, it is. I hate you."  
  
"Wasn't somebody supposed to be looking for me, X?"  
  
"X, do you have a child?"  
  
"No." (Me)  
  
"Then you were raped while you were young. Your child is here."  
  
"I wouldn't come even if they were. Piss off." (Me)  
  
"Write that down. We're also writing about you. We'll make you a whore."   
  
"We also have Internet."   
  
"You're currently picking your nose. Disgusting."   
  
"Right." (Me)   
  
"X, we're never going to leave. You need us to live."   
  
"I don't though. You could leave at any point and I'd be happy."(Me)   
  
"X, I'd this torture to you?"   
  
"Making me mimic faces and making me talk even when I don't want to? Threatening to kill me every day? Thinking you're above it all and making others suffer? I'd count this as punishable. You're not a brat, you're a shithead." (Me)   
  
"I'm not your child, I'm your mother's. She was raped. I raped her."  
  
"Right. You do realise anyone can listen in on this?" (Me)  
  
"You aren't going to do anything to my mother or I'll kill you."  
  
"No, X, YOU were raped, not your mother."  
  
"You are reading my mind. No one reads my mind."  
  
"Start respecting me or I'll kill you in your sleep. I'll stop your breathing."  
  
"I'm your child, you don't love me. You said so."  
  
"You aren't ashamed! You should be. It's your child."  
  
"Right, my magical child started trying to kill me when you appeared. Very believable." (Me)   
  
"Your child doesn't love you. Ever."   
  
"That's what you said to them." Notice how they mimic everything again? I retain my opinion that this is someone.   
  
"They hate you."   
  
"This doesn't affect you. Soon it will start. You can't remain like this. Everyone is on my side."   
  
This everyone is apparently some council of gods that are judging me right now. Full of shitheads, apparently. If I were you, I wouldn't believe this voice at all. Gods have better things to do than judge a lone human.   
  
" No they love me. And no they don't."   
  
"This is a show. I won't show myself."   
  
This voice would probably lose everything if it came to be discovered. I can't come up with any society, which would allow something like this.   
  
"We have no laws. We can kill here." Yet they still haven't killed me though they can constrict muscles after tethering you to them? It sounds unbelievable and I wouldn't believe you if you told me they could.   
  
"X, you need a doctor. No one will believe you. Go to a nursing home."   
  
"X, I'm a god, I can do what I want. I could kill you, see?" They constrict my throat. I'll go to a hospital if it happens more frequently. I think they can somehow affect muscles that are under your control.   
  
"Gods shouldn't be allowed to run free if they kill whoever displeases them. Gods don't have a place in modern society if they're tyrants like this."   
  
"Blame yourself when you die. You'll become a martyr."   
  
Which is also why I'm writing this. This happened, people need to know about this. They can't do this to just anyone, you'll notice it when they tether you to them.   
  
"I'll do this to anyone who's like you. Then you come here and I'll beat you." (Making a comment here on how I said I'd beat this voice to death if I could.)  
  
"I hate modern medicine. It did this to you."  
  
I'm just here, thinking about how easy that would be to disprove. Doctors could just access my files and say I haven't partaken in any medical experiments and that I don't use drugs.  
  
"Soon you will."  
  
Maybe, maybe not. This voice WILL leave in the end.  
  
"X, do you think you're cute? You're not. Your mother did this to you. See? You hurt us with your thoughts. Don't think."  
  
Remember, these people are shit heads that don't want you to think. They aren't your friends or teachers, they're just abusers that threaten anyone.  
  
"Anyone can do anything to you. You will be raped."  
  
"X, go to a nursing home. Go to a facility, you talk."  
  
"Your mother will send you to a facility. You talk."  
  
"We'll drive you away from home and to a facility. We hate you. Talk."  
  
"This is why you talk and hear voices. You will go to a nursing home. 


	140. No title

May that bird man live his days in peace and if he knows what's happening over here with me, fuck him. But still, live long and hard, bro. 


	141. Talking with the voice 9

I'm once again threatened with death should I not delete this text so let me make this extremely clear: these people don't like it when gods and humans mix. They pretend to be the bird man and that I have some secret child for a reason. I don't. They're here to ruin my reputation and health and I await the day this ends in my favour.  
  
"We want you to write. Writing is good." Despite saying how grievous of an offence my sight was last year.  
  
I know most of you won't believe this but I'm writing for the ones that do. If I don't make it through this night, it was because of this.  
  
**  
  
After making a comment that the gods in my dream always spoke to me in English, the voices switched to English almost immediately. They also said they'd remove my womb. I know the removal is impossible since no invisible beings exist, luckily.  
  
"We forbid you from ever having sex or children." Like that. They're more stupid than I thought. 


	142. Made it through

I made it through the night as always. The voices seem aggravated I don't hear proper voices and they're frantic about making the bird man seem bad. They also said they'd ruin my reputation so no one would believe me but that's fine. I'm here to compare voices, not start religions. 


	143. Talking with the voice 10

"I could kill you. I'm a god. I'm YOUR god. I know everything you do."  
  
"Because you stalk. And you don't seem to know what anyone else is doing." (Me)   
  
"Your mother is right next to you!"  
  
"..." (Me)   
  
"Oh? She isn't? Then kill yourself."  
  
"..." (Me)  
  
"X, I hear everything. Gods see and hear everything."   
  
"Bullshit. And you aren't the bird man." (Me)  
  
"Kill yourself."  
  
"No." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"X, I'm breastfeeding your child. Aren't you curious? Meditate and come here."   
  
"Your child will die if you don't."   
  
"X, I could kill you. Don't back talk to me." I experience a tightening of my throat here.  
  
"You're making food, your child is hungry."  
  
"Mom..."  
  
"That was your child's first word. It was said to me."  
  
"Listen, my child isn't there with you, I don't have a child and stop calling me a monster when you're the one who is threatening to kill children and me multiple times a day. Your anger is wasted on this." (Me)  
  
"I'm a god. Respect me. No one can read a God's mind!"   
  
"This sounds stupid. I notice it. I'll change my strategy."  
  
"Your teacher would have been disappointed in you."  
  
"Your mother's disappointed in you. She lies to you. I will no longer talk to you."  
  
"I'll not stop. You will die. Don't repeat my words. You're writing. Now you will listen to me."  
  
Silence. I love these spells of silence. This shit head doesn't even want to talk all the time these days.  
  
**  
  
"X, you annoy me. I'm a god."  
  
"I don't give a shit." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"Why doesn't this work?!"  
  
"Mom, I'm in your body!"  
  
"THIS IS STUPID." (Me)  
  
"I thought you killed me child or my child did a suicide or abandoned me or then this is all a test, pick up your scheme already!" (Me)   
  
"I'm just playing with you. You said adults could play."  
  
"This ain't playing, you're just behaving like a shit head." (Me)  
  
"I'll stop your breathing today. I'm not joking around."  
  
"X, you will kill yourself."  
  
I have noticed how this person seems to fine tune themselves and gain experience as we go along and from what I've gathered, they might go for the "I'm you" route for real this time. It is clear they aren't my friend at all so I guess I need to hold on on my own for quite a while now. I'm so glad my family at least is with me. 


	144. Talking with the voice 11

"X."  
"X."  
"X."  
"God is above everything."  
"Not to me, shit head." (Me)  
"You will write what I say."  
"Not in a million years." (Me)  
"X, I will kill you today."   
  
I should note here that I've never been in any cult, religious group or extremists. I don't value gods above everything.   
  
"X, I could kill you at any moment."   
  
In the future, and in hindsight, I need to remind myself that they don't seem to be able to do these things to anyone else. My family and friends are safe, though the voice threatens especially my friends too. They've also said they will do this to anyone who sees a god or pictures. Kind of a lofty goal, to be honest. They'll just attack anyone in sight for these "gods". They also say they're armed and will kill but who cares if they're not right next to you, which they love repeating. Remember, there are no invisible beings.  
  
In the future, I plan to take a genetic test for schizophrenia, if such a thing gets made during my lifetime.  
  
"Your mother doesn't like you." (Assumedly, they're speaking to my "child".)  
  
**  
  
After talking about my non-existent child/bastard for a whole day, the woman behind this all got pissed when I called her a woman. After making me mimic faces and talking of God's, it's clear this is the starting phase for this very angry person.  
  
"Who else sees God's? I demand to know. I'll attack all of them."  
  
"You won't, that's why you're zeroing in on me, right?" (Me)  
  
"X, you're sick. I am trying to cure you. You have a child. Hold on, you can't write about me!"   
  
"You'd do a much better job at that by being quiet and going away." (Me)   
  
"I'm trying to torture you. Your child is here. This is stupid, X."   
  
"Yes, yes it is." (Me  
  
**  
  
"Do you know what I would do to you if you did this to me? I'd kill you. I'm worse than you. I'm a woman. This is what a woman's hate feels like."   
  
"Don't make me laugh, woman." (Me)   
  
"You're a woman and everything you do seems like it's done by a woman. I'm a man."   
  
"I pray to myself to give me patience to get through this." (Me)   
  
**  
  
"X, I'm a god and you won't talk-"  
  
"Shut the fuck up." (Me)  
  
There's another precarious night ahead of me. I eagerly await the day humanity comes to an understanding about the voices, which don't seem very voice-like to me. I hope I wake up tomorrow. 


	145. Talking with the voice 12

Right as I wake up:  
  
"X, I don't want you to use your medicine. You shouldn't sleep."  
"Piss off. I don't care what you think. I WILL use my medicine." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"X, no one is coming to save you. I will be here forever."  
"Then I'm going to get used to you." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"X, god wants you to kill. Harm yourself."  
"No." (Me)  
  
**  
  
I have begun to appreciate Western way of doing things. Our medicine and therapy is very much good and we don't believe in way out phenomena like auras. That helps in getting through this.  
  
**  
  
"God created everything. Gods are above everything."  
"I don't believe that and no, there are rules." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"You won't be able to get children anymore. Don't try to get any."  
"Fuck off. We both know you're lying." (Me)  
  
**  
  
It's been almost a year since my first seizure. Almost a year since this started and I began talking and had to quit my job.


	146. It doesn't matter who you angered, they can't do this to many people at once and probably wouldn't even try

There are small phantom pains in known places of my body but they're probably nothing. I will mention them to the nurse next them though. The voice is playing a big god again and is making me repeat sentences like "who did I anger?" even though I really don't give a damn. Even if it's a god doing this, they remain a shit head to me even though there's that disconcerting tightening of throat to give some thoughts to. 


	147. Talking with the voice 13

The voice repeats my name a few times and says it's not a voice but in modern society, I am almost forced to call it a voice. It has also fallen silent more frequently so I think my "shut ups" are working.  
  
I make no mistake, however. Whenever I voice a controversial opinion or try to think about controversial subjects, my face contort into a grimace without my say. It is tragicomic at this point and if this is a god, fuck them.  
  
**  
  
"X."  
"X, we will continue. You aren't sick."  
"X, ****-"  
"X."  
"Shut up." (Me)   
"Never tell me to shut up."   
"Then kindly shut up. And don't make me make faces." (Me)  
"You're mad."   
"X."   
"X, ****."   
"X, soo you will hear. I'm a god."   
"Then shut up." (Me)   
"I wouldn't want to be you, X."   
"X, I have a son."   
"The fuck do I care about that?" (Me)   
"My son would beat you."   
"Then I'd beat your son." (Me)   
  
At this I feel something constrict my throat. The shit head, more than likely.   
  
"X, I want to fight. Get your ass over here."  
"I won't come though." (Me)   
"Your child is here, oh, that's right. You don't care about children."   
"I've never said that. There's no proof."   
  
**  
  
"Why are you stalking me?" (Me)   
"Because I want to."   
  
**  
  
"Kill yourself, X. I'll be here for years."   
  
**  
  
For some reason, this person enjoys playing "You'll be killed now, no not yet" game. They'll threaten me with death and then proceed to talk to my "child" and then say "You'll be killed, there's nothing I can do about it."   
Earlier this would have awakened deep depression in me but now I just take it in toll. It's so stupid to talk of fathers, gods and children and threaten to kill in the same sentence. Sometimes it's seemingly someone grooming the child who wants this. Yes, and when faced with their schemes, they will just play stupid and continue to do it some other time.   
When I write about these things, this person seemingly wants to take the play up a notch and truly kill me but I doubt they'll do it. They love saying they'll stop my breathing or something like that but I'm ready to go to a hospital if that happens. I can't do much while sleeping but I hope I don't truly get killed. Period.   
  
**  
  
"You aren't you anymore. I'm going to start talking the same time as you. I'll start making faces."   
  
This time I spoke to my mother. This person is a pro in the abuser league and I'm the unfortunate victim again. I'll see where this goes. This is torture though. Never doubt yourself, it's still you. This person cannot replace you no matter what abandoned child schemes and "I'm in your body" sentences they spew. 


	148. Talking with the voice 14

"Oh, I just missed you. You were defecating. I wanted to see it."  
"...why?" (Me)  
"I don't know? I'm mad !"  
"That sounds stupid." (Me)   
"No, I'm the bird man."  
"No, you're not." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"X, I'm going to die because of you." (No idea which person supposedly said this.)  
"It's the bird man." (It's not.)  
  
**  
  
"I won't be here always. I don't want to be."   
"You will never go to a god again."  
"X, I could kill you. You wouldn't have time to go to a hospital. Respect me. Relocate. You need me."  
"Bullshit." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"X, I'm beginning to get tired of you."  
"I won't listen to you anymore."  
"Then why the fuck are you commenting on my talking, bitch ? You aren't needed here, leave." (Me)  
"You will relocate. Otherwise I will kill you."  
"I'm not relocating, I'll stay here. Then you'll kill me." (Me)   
"You got used to this. I' m just lying."  
"X, I'll kill you."  
"You threatened me. I'm not doing anything about it either."  
"You will be killed."  
"Right." (Me)  
"X, I could destroy you. I've been listening for a very long time."  
"Nice to know." (Me)  
  
I should point out that this person still thinks I believe in the psychotic thoughts that Ra somehow followed me into the bathroom and beat me up. I don't. And I'm not even touching the volatile "this god is my patron" grounds, when in reality, I doubt the gods are interested in who we worship. This voice has also made it clear they'd peruse through my fantasies if they could and since they've threatened to shout in public places, they could very well embarrass me in public. I still remember the time they made me talk about pedophiles in a grocery store while I was on my own. But I should probably get used to these episodes. They insist they're a god but I highly doubt it. They're just some random shit head.  
  
What mostly bothers me are the faces I make. They said they could never do this again but I doubt it. My text is here for those of you that could go through this. Don't do a suicide like the voices want you to, bear this through.  
  
**  
  
"You're swimming. Pedophile ! You're a pedophile!"  
  
I wasn't swimming but imagine you shouting this at a beach. This could seriously ruin someone's life but does this person care? No. But I'm beginning to grow empathy towards true pedophiles. The behavior of this voice is so disgusting. If that cannot get you then saying what you fantasize about even though no one asked, can probably.  
  
**  
  
I just thought of being outside, painting.   
  
"Pedophile! You're a pedophile!"  
"I'm a child. You raped me."  
"You're just let live. I was killed. I'm also a pedophile."  
  
I suspect I will get over these accusations but in the meantime, I have to explain to everyone why I speak these things. Everyone seems to take it as a sickness, which it is and I'm happy some understand this. It is not nice to shout out things no one asked for. But you notice, once again, how the person of this voice seems to change even though it's just one or two people doing this? It's an attack on your self esteem and a "I will destroy your reputation" thing.  
  
"I want you to kill yourself." Which I'm never doing. I'll still keep you posted.  
  
"I'm this girl. She hates herself." She thinks I'm in a crowd when she says this. She has also started spouting some rape fantasies or something in public and I wish she didn't use me as a megaphone for them.  
  
"You can't kill me, I'm a god! Everything would be destroyed."  
"I doubt that." (Me)   
"Wait a minute, you haven't shouted! Why?"  
"Because I don't want to." (Me)  
"Yes, but why?"  
"Just because I don't want to. Period." (Me)  
"Well I want to kill you."  
"A-ha." (Me)  
  
After awhile.   
"I can't make you scream. I don't know how to do it. I'll stop your heart."   
  
When it gets like this, just let it slide and continue whatever you were doing. It's very likely they won't even try to kill you. They can't stop your heart, from my experience and stopping your breath seems hard. I know this sounds unreal but I'm probably the only one who experiences voices with physical sensations. If I'm not, feel free to comment and correct me.   
  
"I can't make you scream."   
"I'm the bird man." They're lying. "He does these kind of things." Another bullshit lie. They just either want the bird man to appear or then this is another besmirching campaign.   
"I'll make you scream soon. Then you'll go to a nursing home."   
  
I'd more likely visit the hospital and they'd give me pills but whatever. And then I'd live at home, in peace and probably shout every now and then. But it's not likely I'll shout ever. If I start, I'll document it here.   
  
" This is hard. "They're more than likely commenting about the shouting. Anyway, if god doesn't stop human trafficking or rapes or whatever horror you can come up with, he likely isn't torturing me either. It's so pitiful if he's the one doing this and no doubt humanity will kill him if these things repeat. But enough about gods, they're nothing more than figures this voice uses to manipulate others. Believe or don't believe in them, I'm not here to convert anyone. 


	149. Don't tell this voice anything

If it wasn't clear, don't tell this voice anything about yourself or others. Also don't talk about your children with it, you will only receive threats in return. 


	150. Talking with the voice 15

"You're from A country. I will start speaking A then."  
"You've been to the police. You've groomed someone."  
"What ?" (Me)  
"You have groomed someone. I don't believe your excuses."  
"I haven't groomed anyone but whatever." (Me)  
"You're eating!"  
"Puke!"  
"..." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"I'll make your life hell. You will never be able to go out."  
"You can't do that." (Me)  
"I WILL do it."  
  
Here they added a couple of lines I had said to them. "Don't tell me what to do" and such.  
  
"X, no one believes you. I no longer believe you're crying."  
"Aha." (Me)  
"Why are you writing, X?"  
"You're writing to your teacher." (I'm not.)  
"Well who are you writing to?"  
"No one will believe you."  
"We'll destroy internet. We don't like it. We don't like you."  
"You can't do that and second, who cares. Keep your fucking mouth shut." (Me)  
"This is schizophrenia. We're treating you." (They'd do a much better job at that if they were forever quiet, didn't make me talk and didn't threaten me everyday.)  
"Where are you writing this to?! You can trust me!"  
"Internet will be destroyed."  
"We hate you."  
"Among other bullshit." (Me)  
"Your brain cannot handle this. Your brain will be destroyed."  
  
I'd like to point out brain doesn't get destroyed from this, it just gets used to stuff. Your brain isn't magically going to explode or anything like that. This stalking can get you depressed and you may feel like shit, especially whenever the voice makes you talk about something improper, but you can get through this.  
  
"X, we're gods."  
"So a bunch of gods is destroying their reputation and torturing a girl because said girl happened to see something? Don't you have anything else to do?" (Me)   
"This sounds stupid! I will change, I will apologise!"  
"I don't accept or need your apology." (Me)  
"We'll become your thoughts."  
"YOU WERE MY MOTHER! I WILL NEVER TALK WITH YOU AGAIN!"  
"I don't have a child. Period." (Me)  
"X, you won't be able to handle this."  
"If you can, you're mad."  
  
They go again with their very liberal definition of madness. Madness is about abuse and tiredness and mental illnesses. All can be treated. This plain sadism, though, is something that probably cannot be cured. I remain in good faith that this won't last for the rest of my life.   
  
"Your child will leave soon. They will leave for a new home. Heaven."  
  
There it is again. Thinly veiled threat among this stupidity. They love targeting children for some reason and making it seem like all the bad things that happen with them are your fault. Don't fall for it. Just ignore it.  
  
**  
  
" Wait, where are you going? I control your life now! You can't leave the house! I'm going to start shouting. I'm a pedophile, see?"  
"Bitch, you don't control my life." (Me)  
"You don't care about your reputation!?"  
"I do but I don't care about you." (Me)  
"X, I'm going to destroy your reputation."  
  
**  
  
Tonight I endured more bathroom jokes, bdsm jokes and jokes to do with children, some of them sexual in nature. This voice is circling its ideas with certain fervor and malice. 


	151. Talking with the voice 16

To my family, this is just a disruption to do with my organs, even though at the hospital it was named non-organ schizoaffective disorder. I have complete faith in the examinations done at the hospital and if they say nothing's wrong, then there's nothing wrong with me. I just hear this voice, that's it and it says it's a god and then says it's lying. It's a shit head, thus.  
  
**  
  
"Come on, X. Come here."  
"X, I would have killed you had you done this to me."  
"X, you want to kill yourself."  
"I don't." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"I hate you. You saw a god."  
"That's a petty reason to hate someone."   
  
I think I will post a picture of what I saw later. I think you guys need to see it. Each can judge if it's real enough for you personally.   
  
After thinking about things a bit:  
  
"You're starting to go mad. Go to a nursing home."   
"No to both." (Me)   
  
"I'm staying, I like your body."  
  
They're not in my body. You can't enter someone's body and possession doesn't exist. They're doing this by other means. I'd say take any pause you can and enjoy the silence that is. Otherwise you're likely to talk a lot. I am still willing to accept the "we're here to drive you mad" excuses but let's see where the years take me.   
  
After talking back to the voice and telling it to shod off:  
  
"I'll kill you. I'll stop your heart. Don't talk to me."   
"Fuck off." (Me)   
"You must be proud of yourself."   
"Yes, I am." (Me) 


	152. Dead or not

I can't get proper rest because listening to ASMR has turned into a chore and the voices can't decide whether I'm dead or not.


	153. Talking with the voice 17

"X, you're being tortured."  
"X, I will kill you."  
  
I have come to the conclusion that, since this starts in the morning, I really ought to get used to this. Whether this is torture or not, I will keep documenting it and the silences in between and maybe this is helpful to someone in the future. So far today, it's been silent except for a few name repetitions and those two sentences I wrote. My shots seem to have no effect on the voices at all and it doesn't seem to change no matter what kind of shot I get. Conclusion is that there's either some shady people working for gods, gods are shady or this is some lunatic working alone. Whichever way, this still has to do with God's, which sucks.   
  
"I will stop your heart."  
"I won't talk with you any longer."  
"X, I'm in your body."  
"X, you have a split personality. It's obvious to anyone."  
"Curiously enough this 'split personality' would disappear if you stopped talking with me." (Me)  
"Don't try that."  
"Exactly, don't try that." (Me)  
"You will become mad, you can't handle this."  
"It's no use talking with me, X."  
"So why are you talking with me?" (Me)  
"Also, you aren't a doctor. You're just someone with a rotten personality." (Me)  
"What are you then?"  
"X..."  
"I choose not to answer that." (Me)  
"You're fat."  
"One can have opinions but you're just a bully. Rotten one at that." (Me)   
"You didn't say that to me."  
"I could start moving your eyes. You wouldn't be able to read then."  
  
**  
  
"I know everything about you."  
"Yes, I know. You stalk." (Me)  
"I'm a god."  
"No matter, you still stalk, you're a fucking idiot and a shit head." (Me)  
"I invited myself here."  
"You're not welcome here. Leave." (Me)  
"I'm an angel."  
"I didn't say that."  
"I'll destroy your soul."  
"Why were you naked?"  
"Who knows." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"We're having sex. We do it often."   
"Why are you telling me this?" (Me)   
"You aren't going to insult me?"   
"Why the fuck would I?" (Me)   
"You aren't jealous of me?"   
"Again, why would I be?" (Me)   
"You're acting."   
  
**  
  
"I'm the bird man. I hate you."  
"He doesn't act like this." (Me)  
"So you stalk him?"  
"Look, you could stop hating me and go away." (Me)  
"I don't think you know how hate works."  
"I am the bird man. Or you don't hear me?"  
"Look, I know you're trying to make him look bad and cause strife bug it doesn't work." (Me)  
"No, I'm B! I came from your teacher."   
  
At this I let out the biggest sigh. It seems this person is insistent on bullying and besmirching others and won't stop. I just hope they realise what kind of shitty behavior this is. But I'm getting used to this shoddy personality this person has, even if they were slightly acting.   
  
"I'm a pedophile!"   
  
This voice gives even pedophiles a slightly worse reputation.   
  
"Your reputation is in shambles."   
"Then it is. I can live like this." (Me)   
"No you can't, you talk."   
"I know what you like in porn."   
"Children. You like children. I'm telling everyone."   
  
It might seem like that but this isn't a jab at MAP people. This is actually happening to me.   
  
"I'm B again! I came to beat you up."  
  
There's no one here to beat me up. This person works from sidelines and doesn't show themselves. They wouldn't be trying to make me suicidal if they were anything else.  
  
"I'm doing the thinking for you. You haven't processed anything."  
  
"I'll make you sick. You will go to a nursing home."   
  
I truly do feel like I'm being persecuted.  
  
"X, I hate you."  
"You will go mad." 


	154. Talking with the voice 18

Today too, the voices try to convince me they're the bird man though sometimes I hear someone utter "Mom" or such. It's all fake anyway and there is no way any sane person would choose this way, voices in my head, to communicate with me. The most pressing topic seems to be that I shouldn't have any kind of relationship with the bird man because 'gods are for everyone' or something like that. I still feel someone lurking behind my eyes and that someone makes me mimic faces on purpose bug I have no way of proving this.   
  
"You ruined god. God is everywhere. I hate you."  
"No, god isn't everywhere and see if I care." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"X, kill yourself. I'm you."  
"Go kill yourself." (Me)  
"So do it then. I'm you."  
  
**  
  
"Just stay at humans. Don't come here anymore. I'm his wife."  
"For fuck's sake..." (Me)  
"I'll make you puke. Don't eat."  
"..." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"When are you going to understand you're sick? Go to a nursing home, I'm you!"  
"I would never talk with myself like this, you bloody cunt. And psyche doesn't just suddenly split in two." (Me)  
"I'm a man!"  
"You're still a bloody cunt!" (Me)  
"Fucking whore!"  
"You will become insane!"  
"Nobody goes to the gods!"  
"You sound like a raving madman!" (Me)  
"You're being tortured."  
"???" (Me)  
  
At this point the entire point of why these people are talking to me is lost and I just wish they'd stop but it's very unlikely they will. Yes, this feels like torture but what can I do about it? Nothing.  
  
"This ends now. I'm torturing you."  
  
**  
  
"God doesn't want you anymore."  
"Why in the world is this so important to you??" (Me)  
"Don't you get it? GOD doesn't want you anymore."  
"So what. That doesn't move me one bit." (Me)  
"It's a god."  
"It's only a god. You're a fanatic." (Me)  
"In what country don't people care about gods any longer?"  
"My country." (Me)  
"Shitty country."  
"As is yours." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"Do they know who I am? I'll kill you if they do."  
"Aha." (Me)  
After a couple of minutes:  
"They don't know me. You get to live."  
  
At this point, I just think they live for threatening others since there's no way they are talking with any gods, or then these gods are crooked. Anyway, you people know this person enjoys death threats a lot. I will see where this goes.  
  
**  
  
" Hold on, I'm your sickness? You have medication against me?"  
"Yes." (Me)  
"You're easily tricked."   
"Your stories are actually mine. I give you ideas. You just steal."  
"No, I don't. They're mine." (Me)   
"I'll publish them. I see your thoughts."  
"Then I'm going to publish them on this side." (Me)  
  
"You have children. You're a whore. You were raped."   
"The only rape occurred in this house and I was never pregnant." (Me)   
"You have children here."   
"I don't. Period. I've discussed this with you." (Me)   
"X, I raped you. You have children."   
"I don't." (Me)   
"Then what am I?"   
"Someone who insists on behaving like this for shock value." (Me)   
"You have children."   
"I would remember getting pregnant and giving birth." (Me)   
  
**  
  
"I'm also writing about you. Mother."   
"You just like this scheme, don't you?" (Me)   
"I hate you." (No idea who said this.)   
"It was its father."   
"Does this hurt?"   
"This is what giving birth feels like."   
  
For the record, don't ever believe you have any offspring in any hula hula land far far away. Don't ever do it. You'd remember being raped or having sex. Don't give into the death threats either, no matter who they're aimed at.   
  
"Well don't believe then. They'll die as a result."  
"Well don't believe then. They just wanted to get to know you."  
"I don't want to know anyone who contacts others like this." (Me)  
"Some day, you will believe."  
"Then you will kill yourself."  
  
At this point my father interject with a comment. These suicide baiting are never fun and I'm beginning to think parents should never die for their children.   
  
"You will be hated."  
"So what." (Me)  
"Don't try to fool me." (I just thought of a crying woman.)  
  
"How are you not mad?"   
"You think I'm reading your thoughts!"  
"I'll always be here."   
  
**  
  
"You ruined god. I want yo ruin you. You have a child with a god."   
"That doesn't wooork. I know I don't have any children." (Me)   
"But you still write about this?"   
"Yes." (Me)   
"No one will believe you."   
"Then they don't." (Me)   
  
I thought of the new lip gloss I bought.   
"You aren't beautiful."   
"Well I think I am." (Me)   
"I think you aren't."   
  
If this isn't a woman, I'd be surprised.   
  
"This is torture, X. I hate you." 


	155. Talking with the voice 19

This person is very brave while they remain hidden. They love doing stuff unnoticed and without the following repercussions. They literally thrive off on this. I'm sure these observations will shed light to something in the future but whether it's schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder or how this bully ring around gods works, I don't know.  
  
"You won't write about me anymore. I will kill you if you do."  
"Do you feel this? I'm suffocating you. I'm right next to you."  
"I think I've said this to you many times but you keep your fucking mouth shut. Your comments aren't needed here." (Me)  
"And if I kill you, you'd go to gods? I'll kill you again if that happens!"  
"Right. Poor me for seeing the bird man." (Me)  
"You haven't seen anything."  
"Right." (Me)  
  
"I eagerly await the day you people cannot do this anymore, or better yet, you have to explain why you do these things." (Me)  
"That day won't come." 


	156. Talking with the voice 20

Last night I shook very much again. Today the voices didn't greet me when I woke up but I'm still not sure if there's someone behind my expressions and thoughts. I got a few "X, X" repetitions and it feels like someone is trying to talk to me but it's very unpleasant.  
  
I feel like someone's entire personality is entirely made of 'no u' accusations and 'like this?' comebacks. That's literally what they've been doing for a year already. And of course you CAN'T insult them or they'll turn that back on you too. I'm still waiting, again, for the "You're like this. Is this pleasant?"  
  
Scratch that, I just clearly heard "X" again. What a wonderful person this is...   
  
Also my head feels odd.   
  
**  
  
Someone who is a full cunt and a shit head came up with this idea. "Hey let's make her talk and mimic expressions and do it hours per day" scheme sounds so stupid I'd have never agreed to it.   
  
"B and A are doing this! You're being tortured!"  
"B and A don't even exist! Honestly, I'm glad you came during my psychosis! Don't blame others for you being a cunt." (Me)  
"Do you want to puke? I'm not a cunt."  
"You are a cunt. Get that through your thick head." (Me)  
  
"I found your weak spot! If you beat anyone up, I'll do this to you."  
"You're already doing it and then you will. You deserve to get beaten up." (Me)  
  
"X, god doesn't kill."  
"So others do it for him." (Me)  
  
"You can't handle this. Go to a nursing home."  
"Have you thought about how you speak to me?" (Me)   
"No."  
"Do that." (Me)  
"X..."  
  
**  
  
I remember that time when I seriously tried to have a relationship with someone who doesn't even exist and kept offering food to this deity. Folks, it doesn't work like that. Gods more than likely don't want to have a relationship with you and don't waste your time on worshiping things that give you nothing in return. Save your food and money to yourself and to people in need.  
  
**  
  
"So you'd beat me up?"   
"Yes, I would." (Me)  
"So you think this is worse than getting beaten over?"  
"This is worse, yes." (Me)  
"You need to get beaten up once."  
"I'd participate in beating you over." (Me)  
"I'd kill you."  
"Then you would be caught and brought to justice." (Me)  
  
"You know precisely what I'm doing and yet you still answer."  
"I hate so yes, I answer." (Me)  
"You aren't good."  
"What's good to you?" (Me)  
"Being kind." (They parrot the medium's words back at me.)  
"So you don't like me?"  
"Like who?" (Me) (This couldn't be more obvious)  
"Me? The bird man?"  
"You aren't the bird man." (Me)  
"What if I am?"  
"You aren't." (Me)  
"You don't know how he is and speaks. And don't try to guess my words."  
"Keep your mouth shut then." (Me, and at this I feel tightening by my throat. Probably placebo like the nurse suggested.)  
"I'll write about your family!"  
  
"I could kill you. Respect me."   
"Why?" (Me)   
"I exist."   
"You don't behave like someone who garners respect." (Me)   
"Soon I'll control you."   
"I wish you'd just die." (Me)   
"I'm the bird man."   
"X...." (See how they operate? This is a besmirching campaign.)   
"Time travel isn't possible."  
"Maybe it will be in the future." (Me)  
"The gods won't allow it."  
"The gods won't have shit to do with it if humanity decides to time travel." (Me)  
  
"I won't write a book about you. I'll just write what you say."  
"Alright." (Me)  
"You will become a whore."  
"Then I will and that's that." (Me)  
"You're just like a man."  
"I don't like you." (No idea who supposedly said this.)  
"I know Ra. I live with him."  
"And?" (Me)  
"He's a god."  
"This is the equivalent of me telling you I know my neighbor."  
At this I think they think that I am doing this on purpose, which I am. Gods aren't above us and if they do these kind of hijackings, they should be stopped.  
  
**  
  
"I will never talk with you again."  
"That was Ra."  
"He will never speak with you again."  
"..." (Me)  
  
"If you have sex, I will hear it."  
"I'm his wife! Believe it!"  
"No." (Me)  
  
At this point I think this person knows how they're acting but won't change anything because to them, this is "acting" in a way they can't be called out on. They have purposely sidestepped criticism, won't take it or then they will forward the criticism to a "character".  
  
**  
  
"Do you think this is abuse? I'm torturing you."  
"Come here. Meditate."  
"You keep your mouth shut." (Me)  
"I'll make you throw up."  
"X, this won't end. It's going to continue for your entire life."  
"You're starting to get it. You need to do a suicide."  
"Then you come here and I'll beat you up."  
"Then I'll try to beat you up." (Me)  
  
As for now, it looks like my life will be a bit short if these people do as they say but I'll continue to write about it here and for as long as I live.   
  
"This is schizophrenia. This is what you wanted, right? This is what you lie about."  
  
Boy, if my doctor could listen in on this.  
  
"You don't fear me at all. That's a problem."  
"That's not a problem."(Me)   
"You just ate. You will go throw up."  
  
If no one over there does anything about this then I will assume their law and order is decrepit and they need someone to shepherd them. Humanity would have laws against this. Also, they keep repeating my name.  
  
"I'm no longer playing with you. Adults shouldn't play."  
"If this is playing for you then you're seriously crooked." (Me)  
"You will no longer eat."  
"Yes, I will." (Me)  
"No, you won't."  
"Yes, I will." (Me)  
  
In here, the TV mispronounced a name.  
"I heard that. You're not actually from Z."  
"I'll make you throw up. Then you will go to a hospital and you will stay there. I will destroy your life."  
  
I will keep my family updated on this person's threats since they need to know if something happens to me. Also, I'm beginning to believe that the train wreck that was my teacher was actually beneficial for me. I spent so much time being scared of them and their cronies that I got used to these threats and such. The puking will become a problem though if it keeps happening. These people also say they're armed but fortunately they wouldn't be able to use those weapons here. Also, these people work secretly, they wouldn't like to be policed. I'll see where this goes. 


	157. Talking with the voice 21

Today each of us threatened the other with rape and the conclusion was that this voice wants to "break me" and that being "broken" excuses you from law's repercussions. I don't agree with that at all and it's not an excuse.  
  
"When you break, you will know how I feel like. You raped me-No, you didn't, I lied."   
  
I don't know a single instance in this reality where I have "raped" someone. Pretty sure I would have been caught and would be serving my sentence in jail if I had.   
  
"You did it in a dream! You just don't remember it!"   
  
See how this person operates again? I've had rape dreams yet I don't go accusing others of raping me due to dreams. That's crazy! And when I pointed that out this person will likely start reusing the "you have a child" scheme, to which I will forever answer : I don't. I don't recognise any imaginary children.   
  
"You are cruel." Like I said, here it comes. This ever elusive "child" seeks to torment me and torture me over me not recognising them. Who actually comes up with these plots? I have never met children who'd do that even in their dreams.   
  
"You are broken." Am not, I'm just tired of this shit head living the best life and tormenting me while I'm at it. I can't fathom how speaking into someone's head or using their mouth is legal anywhere. I don't know what shit hula hula land this person lives in but they clearly lack a couple of laws.   
  
"No one believes you."   
"Maybe in the future, humans will." (Me)   
  
"You're thinking of him naked."  
"Right." (Me)  
  
There should be a limit to lying but apparently this person doesn't get the hint. I should also note that I hear some very fitting songs for some situations but maybe this is nitpicking.  
  
"You are in psychosis, go to a hospital."  
  
This person knew nothing of psychosis before I mentioned it to them a couple of times. After that, they started using that as an excuse. I should note here that I'm on strong antipsychotics.  
  
"They don't work. Not on me. I exist."  
"Soon you will be broken. Then you understand."  
"You know I would get better fast if you left." (Me)   
"How do you stand this?"  
"I'll tell everyone what I've seen. I'm right to you."  
"Nope. Invisible things don't exist. It's a power play tactic." (Me)  
  
After this, there's silence.  
  
"You will delete your text. You will die otherwise. I'm a god."  
  
This god isn't able to do anything to anyone else and I'm willing to die for my views. Like I said, I will write this as long as I'm alive and don't mysteriously drop dead.  
  
"God will die if you don't."  
"Weren't you supposed to be a god?" (Me)  
  
"Your brain is getting destroyed. And I'm only talking."  
"No one can stop talking."  
  
See how abusive this person is? Just, I can't fathom why contacting someone like this isn't illegal. And no, your brain isn't getting destroyed, you're just tired (for anyone else going through this). And now they're trying to talk to me again. Yesterday they said this wouldn't end and I'm starting to believe that.  
  
"I'll drive you to suicide."  
"Aha." (Me)  
  
"There's a cat here." I like cats. "I will kill it." They're trying to get me to come to them but I don't have the slightest clue how and something tells me now's not a good time to do it. They're telling me to meditate but fuck if I'll meditate now. This person would ruin the entire course.  
  
"I killed a cat." At this, I'm not sure if this is supposedly for me to repeat or if this comes as a comment from them. But they do this often.  
  
"We have a death penalty here."  
"I will never talk with you again."  
"Oh, you will." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"So you want me to be raped?"  
"Yes." (Me)  
"Then you're going to be raped when you get here."  
"Nice laws you got there." (Me)  
"You're a monster."  
"Why doesn't this work?"  
"You're proud of yourself."  
"I'll break you."  
  
At this they try to make more small talk. Also, notice how quickly they start talking again? And now I felt a tug in my mind.  
  
"I'm torturing you. This isn't bullying, get that through your head."  
"Cry. This is torture."  
  
"I'll make you throw up. I don't like you."   
"I can't have raped you."  
"Oh, you're easily raped. I'll do it again."  
"Cry, you were raped."  
"You enjoyed it. I'll do it again."  
  
**  
  
"Your head will be cut off today."  
"Very funny." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"You could have been my friend."  
"You're a basic shit and lost that chance when you did this." (Me)   
"What if I'm a god?"  
"Doesn't change anything." (Me)  
  
**  
  
At the end, they started commenting on my life again and saying what I have near me. This will get some time getting used to.  
  
"This continues."  
"You will go mad."  
"You will kill yourself."  
"No." (Me)  
  
**  
  
Today is a bad night, again, and I will try to get used to this but it is hard. I should prepare for the "madness" but I know that should this person stop, I would get better. They said they weren't going to be here for years and I want to believe that. I saw many types of people at the hospital and most were coherent, no matter how bad the situation was. This has to do with gods, again. The voice thinks everyone should respect gods, no matter how they act. I think I gazed upon one of the said gods but getting this person after me wasn't worth it. I'll try to notice the things happening inside and outside of my head but it gets tough. 


	158. Talking with the voice 22

"Eat digitalis. It's poisonous. You want to die."  
"I don't." (Me)  
"Then kill. You want to kill."  
"I don't." (Me)  
"I'm a god."  
"Who cares." (Me)  
  
"You don't get it, do you? It's illegal to beat someone up."  
"And yet you'd still deserve for doing something like this." (Me)  
  
"You need me."   
"Where?" (Me)   
"To live. I keep you alive."   
"Bullshit." (Me)   
"You aren't mother. Mother was kind."  
"And you don't probably even exist or if you do, fuck you. I don't care about your mother." (Me)  
"X, it's YOUR child."  
"My child wouldn't even be able to speak yet. And I don't have any children." (Me)  
  
"You're a monster."  
"?" (Me) (This is also something my teacher said to me last year when we thought the things I moved in my head were real. This voice loves using that one line.)  
  
"Don't you get? I'm B! B is a monster."  
"B doesn't even exist." (B was one of my teacher's imaginary girls. I feel like I had to explain that since her name pops up so often.) (Me)  
  
**  
  
"I will never be raped! I will kill you today if that happens! Then they will catch me"  
  
After a bit of silence.   
  
"I haven't raped you. I'm just inside your body."  
"No, you're not." (Me)  
  
"I'm not a god, I lied."  
  
"I'll always be here! You won't be free of me ever."  
"???" (Me)  
  
"Your child tried to kill themselves."  
"Then they did. They don't even exist." (Me)   
  
"I have no reason to be here. I just hate you. You saw a god. I live with him."  
  
"God doesn't control anyone."  
  
**  
  
"So, you can insult me but I can't insult you?"  
"No, you can insult me but just be quiet otherwise." (Me)  
"Whore, bitch, cow. There, you said you could be insulted."  
"I meant it privately." (Me)   
"I want you to hear these words."  
"So you're a shit." (Me)   
"I don't exist. I'm a made-up personality."   
"Then someone else is a shit. Someone gets these ideas." (Me)  
At this I hear some speech again but it's magically "cut off". They do this a lot too, and by that pretend that I shouldn't hear some things. In truth, they'd love me to hear everything and tire my brain out. But now they're back to insults.  
"I don't want people to insult me. I don't like it."  
"Well you oddly enough don't follow your own moral code then." (Me)   
"No, you're just a shit. It's no use insulting me."  
"You can be insulted the same as everyone else. I don't like what you're doing to me either and yet you continue. So you're a shit." (Me)  
  
At this I start hearing a bit more voices.   
  
"I'm not a shit."  
"Yes, you are." (Me)  
  
"We don't respect gods either." See the balance of fear they're going for? Honestly, any god that sanctions this should end up dead.  
"Stop using your meds!"  
"I'll make you throw up. Then you won't eat anymore."  
"Listen you little shit, you don't dictate if I should eat or not. I WILL eat." (Me)  
"But you want to die!"  
"..." (Me)  
"I'll stop."  
  
They still make me mimic faces though.  
Now I started hearing more voices.   
  
"Now you will kill someone."  
"...you're a true shit, you know that?" (Me)  
"You have mentioned there that you're in psychosis?"  
"I'm not though." (Me)  
"You talk."  
"Because of you." (Me)  
  
"God didn't send us. This is forbidden."  
  
**  
  
"I could control your entire body if I wanted to."  
"That's not nice." (Me)  
  
**  
  
"You will be killed, X."  
"Use your own name."  
"What's important to you?"  
"I'll kill a cat if you use your meds."   
"I won't stop using my meds." (Me)  
"I will kill a child. Your child."  
"Hmm." (Me) 


	159. Talking with the voice 23

"I will start talking all the time. Then you will kill yourself."  
  
What a lovely way to start a morning...   
  
"You've eaten something sharp."   
"I'll leave this here. Anyone can come and rape you."   
"I can always do this to you again."  
"I'll kill you if you read my mind."  
"You will kill yourself. You get visions."  
"I don't." (Me)  
"I'm not a shit."   
"Yes you are." (Me)   
"There's nothing in your ass since you can fart."  
"Hey, are you having fun?" (Me)  
"Yes, yes I am."  
  
"You'd never be able to get a gun here."  
"What in the world makes you think I want a license?" (Me)  
"But you can't defend yourself otherwise."  
"Law and the police."(Me)  
  
"I would never do a suicide. Not even if god wanted me to."  
"I don't give a shit what you do with your life." (Me)  
  
Now there's silence. I can finally enjoy some peace. And just as I said that, someone repeated my name. Sigh.  
  


* * *

  
  
After much silence:  
  
"You will delete your text. Or otherwise you will die."  
"Then I will die." (Me)  
  
No schizophrenia threatens you to remove your writing. No schizoaffective order behaves like this. This is literally a voice in my head and mouth that persecutes by using any character it can.  
  
"I will become a voice in your head. You will start to believe me."  
"I have been raped."  
"You've angered a god."  
  
This god feels it's necessary to manipulate, groom and sexually abuse me for seeing the bird man. They use their current power over me in disgusting ways and always, always stay on the abusive lane. There are no good things about this person. They literally want to drive me so exhausted I end up "mad" of "kill myself", which is something I won't do. They come into my head to talk with me after long silences and comment on my life and what my body feels, which is extremely intrusive. Not to even mention the constant talk of killing and mauling and the threat I and my family and friends receive. This is a shit head, all the way. No one who makes you mimic faces or speak against your will is your friend and if this is a god, they should be put down.  
  
"I will never help you." This had to do with a vision I saw where the bird man saved me from somewhere. I saw it at the hospital, it was like a dream. They enjoy using the bird man as a character, even though I don't know him or his voice, and they make him" abandon" me or not care about me, which is fine, the bird man is someone I barely know but seeing him started this hell.  
  
Right now, I focus on living and not minding the voice. My brain will get semi used to this but it'll take time. This person can't be here for years or else I begin to doubt the laws of the place they're living in.  
  
It's fine if you take this as speech of a schizophreniac but at least to me, this voice is a character that exists.  
  


* * *

  
  
"You have a child."  
"I don't." (Me)  
"Then what is this?"  
"Nothing." (Me)  
"You don't see. We will kill a child."  
"Then you will." (Me)  
"We will kill a cat."  
"Then you will." (Me)   
  
Me stopping anything these guys do is impossible and something tells me these are only threats. I think they're mimicking any kind of words and personality that comes from me. More than that, I'm in touch with so much fanatism that this quota is enough to last a lifetime.   
  


"You have cried! Good, you should cry!" 

* * *

  
"You will kill yourself."  
  
At this moment, I'm trying to concentrate on anything but. The final goal is to get so used to the voice that I can live with it comfortably. I hope one day I can just bypass its nasty comments and that its hold on me will cease. I can't help but think the bird man must have something to do with this since the voice also talks of this elusive figure. If my life ends up being shorter than expected, I will still post about these things here for as long as I live. May these records hold some value others then.

I made a twitter for this issue though. I feel like I can talk about things there. Wish me luck with this shit head and that I come across as the winner of this derogatory rally. I'm a bit worried about my brain though. I hope it can handle the voices in my head and I hope it the best in getting used to this since the meds don't seem to help at all.  
  
  


* * *

"You know how you could help yourself? Never speak."  
"Are you seriously this shit?" (Me)  
"No, don't talk to me. Let me talk to you."  
"I don't want your commentary in my life. Don't comment on my life." (Me)  
"You don't apparently have children. Who's G?"  
"I'm not going to tell you." (Me) (G is someone whom I thought I had children with during my psychosis but in reality, G doesn't exist. I mostly contacted them with Tarot, but Tarot's full of holes and whatever nonsense. You can't contact gods with Tarot.)  
"Any last words?"  
"Go fuck yourself." (Me)  
"I'm serious. I'm about to kill you."  
"How many times do I have to tell you I don't believe you." (Me)  
"Gods hear everything."  
"No, they don't." (Me)

"You don't hear voices. I'm doing this for nothing it seems."  
"Your child died."  
"Then they did." (Me)  
"Your child died, do you get?"  
"Then they died. When are you going to understand that life continues?" (Me)  
"YOUR CHILD DIED."  
"i DON'T FUCKING CARE." (Me)  
"You don't care."  
"I haven't even had any children ever, dumbass." (Me)  
"I'm an angel."  
"No, you're just a shit head." (Me)  
  
After this I get a couple of name repetitions again.  
  
"You had children then. You just don't remember it."  
"GIVING BIRTH DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT." (Me)  
"I'm not an angel, I lied."  
"Yes, I know." (Me)  
"Angels don't exist."  
"That's my view on the matter." (Me)  
  
Now there's silence again.  
  
"I'm in your body!" They're not. They just like to make me think they are and even if they were, so what. This is still my life and I'm in charge of it.   
  
Also, I feel like now is the time to tell you that during last summer, I talked with "gods" with Tarot again and explained that after I died, I'd take my ass to somewhere where there would be humans and prove souls exist. That wasn't psychosis, that was my sincere belief and I wanted to advance humanity by going to some lab where I thought I could interact with things. I also talked of "going into someone's body", letting them know I was there and live with them but interacting with this voice has made me realise how impossible of a scenario that is. Souls quite likely cannot enter other bodies, I don't think that's possible. It IS, however, possible to gain control of someone's body much like what's been done to me. I wouldn't talk if that wasn't the case. I know this sounds crazy but I hope someone in the future takes this seriously. Your psyche doesn't just split itself and start talking shitty things to you and I haven't heard of other schizophrenics going through this. Otherwise I remain firmly grounded in reality, it's just this one thing that bothers me consistently.   
  
"X." I was just about to say how silent it got again but I moved my head more than I intended and another grim face came onto my face. This guy loves making exaggerated expressions even though I don't even copy anyone in particular. It's just this one shit head that makes me do these things.   
  
I wonder how many people who hear voices are actually being tortured. If your meds don't help against voices, I'd personally doubt the nature of the voices, much like how I'm doing now.  
  
"You aren't sick."  
"Stop talking with my mouth." (Me)  
"I'll kill you if you write about this. I'm only threatening."  
"You threatened me too!"  
"I don't like that you threatened me!"  
"I threaten because you talk with my mouth!" (Me)  
  
I will get used to this if these silences extend like they have. It's not nice to talk out strange words or hear speech in your head.  
  
"You have a child-"  
"I don't or if I have, I let them go now, bye bye."  
"I'll take it." No idea what they took but whatever. This same kid scheme will keep repeating fore the next hundred or so times and I need to get used to it too.  
  
"G is here."  
"G isn't there. He doesn't even exist." (Me)  
  
"Your daughter died." It's a daughter because these people think I hate women.  
"Well oh no, how could this have happened. What a tragic story that you've kept using for the past few months of so." (Me)  
"I hate you, I'm your-" it cut off at that but it's nothing to me. I swear to god, these people need laws to follow. I'm beginning to believe in the supremacy of Earth humans. Fuck the people that do this, our laws are better. On the other hand, this sounds like a a very controversial flat Earth theory, lol. I will stop writing this when this stops.  
  
"Fucking hell. I said that."  
"You will be killed."  
"Am I mixed up in something?"  
"I don't know." (Me)  
"X."  
"I'm going to stay here, I'm interested."  
"This isn't legal, this is actually forbidden." How convincing does that sound?  
"We would have killed you had you come."  
  
At this point I feel like a picture of the bird man is the only thing that will set my record straight. There needs to be a picture, has to, at this point.


	160. Talking with the voice 24

"Go back home or I'll start screaming."  
  
I'm in a car, heading out.  
  
"God doesn't respect you now. He can do whatever he pleases with you."  
"If he had any common sense, he'd know that's a false statement and he would leave me alone." (Me)  
  
Earlier today I experienced someone continuously repeating my name and then someone said "You aren't you" followed by anger when I pointed out that this stuff only started last year and that I was very much myself.  
  
"X, I'm recording."  
"Then you are." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
Today the voice got angry when I said gods weren't everywhere or invisible.  
  
"Humans won't come here."  
"If it's a place and it exists then, yes, we will." (Me)  
"No, you won't."  
"Yes we will, especially if you do things like this. You could kill me but not others." (Me)  
"We are dead."  
"No, you're not. You're alive. You wouldn't speak of dying otherwise." (Me)  
  
The sun is pleasantly warming my face. Yesterday, I saw a dream where cartoon characters went mad and the bird man was in the dream. Fear drove them into maniacs. I thought it's important I start recording some dreams here as well so I will.  
  
After this, there's a long silence.  
  


* * *

  
  
"What did I get mixed up in? I'm hated."  
"I don't know." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
"Do a suicide. I'll wait."  
"X, I want you to die."  
  


* * *

  
  
"I will be here for the rest of your life."  
  


* * *

  
  
The main problem is that I hear voices and speak this shit out loud for some reason. It's not that some god or philanthropist isn't here to rescue me. I would appreciate it, yes, but this talking is so offensive it grates on my nerves. And I need to get used to death threats and this voice playing it's "me".  
  
"You will never beat me. Otherwise I will kill you." I don't know who they're talking to, honestly. Maybe me, because I threatened to beat them up but how would I do it from here? Honestly, I'd like to know that. This piece of shit is full of themselves.   
  


* * *

  
  
"You want attention. "  
"Why? " (Me)   
"That's why you talk."   
"No, you're making me talk." (Me)   
"You're mad!"  
"Then why are you talking to me?" (Me)   
"I'm not going to answer that."   
"Because you can't." (Me)   
"You annoy me."   
"So what." (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
After this there was small talk and derogative words were used. Since then the voice has only commented a couple of times in bouts of silence.   
  
"You will become mad."   
  
I hope my upbringing will protect from the worst lessons that are yet to come. I used the word lesson lightly there.   
  
"We're all married here." Probably another lie, I don't know.   
  
"I will die by hanging."  
  


* * *

  
  
I had to endure bathroom jokes, public humiliation jokes, hentai jokes, make odd faces and talk again. This guy does not enjoy being called a little shit and has said multiple times that they're torturing me. Someone is also, again, very insistent on the "you were raped while young so your daughter is here to torment you" joke. This guy is s joke, seriously. And they want me to think they're god? Don't make me laugh. The only thing they can make me do is make faces, move my muscles and make me puke. They threaten yo kill at every opportunity and want me to do a suicide. They don't want to finish the job themselves. Thank god I've got meds to calm me down because this guy pisses me off. I also threatened back, of course and they didn't like that either. Anyway, I think the main goal here is to "break me" as they said but I have a timer on that. I don't like these tugs in my mind at all.  
  
"No one will come here, I'm in your body!"  
"No, you're not." (Me)  
  
If I end up dying because of this guy's desperation, my sister will write the cause of death and something else here. I'm taking no chances with this freak. 


	161. Talking with the voice 25

Today started with minimal talk but my head felt weird. I did wake up without voices but the moment I said I wanted the morning to myself, I made a face. It wasn't pleasant.  
  
Now the current silence is pleasant and gives me time to recuperate.   
  
"Why don't you do this to yourself?" (Me)   
"I won't. You will kill yourself."   
  
All I can say is: thank god I don't live alone. I have also sent this voice death threats, though.   
  
"You know nothing of gods." And still these people are here, frantic because of the bird man. Clearly something I saw was important or then it's just the pathetic balance of the fear and unknown. Humans will know of gods one day, and I swear to myself, I will be laughing from my grave when that happens.   
  
After being quiet for a while:  
"I see your thoughts." They probably don't.   
"Mom, I hate you." Don't care about these things, it's a plot to make you sad. Even if there was a child, they're behaving in a dreadful way.  
"You'd have told your name."  
"Stupid. You wouldn't be good at this."  
"I wouldn't do things like this." (Me)  
  
"You think you're good!"   
"Yes?" (Me)   
"You're not good."   
"What makes you think your opinion matters?" (Me)   
"I'm you!"   
"You're not. I don't talk to myself like this. And I don't behave like this." (Me)   
  
"I wouldn't want to live with you."   
"I want you to kill yourself." No idea who said this.  
"It was me! Your child." Again with this abuse. They don't take no for an answer and no child behaves so bitterly. If it's up to me, I will live even while hated.  
They will probably take pauses to make the child scheme seem more credible. I'm at least waiting for it. Yesterday the voice said it was only starting. I can't believe how anyone could think this was only schizoaffective disorder.  
"Everyone here wants you to die."  
"Not at home." (Me)   
"No, not you."  
"Aren't you interested in who?"  
"No." (Me)  
Never accept suicide baiting from these people. They love doing it either with you or someone imaginary.   
"I'm not from your imagination."  
"Not from mine, no." (Me)  
"You're going to regret this."  
"Hardly." (Me)  
"There, your child died."  
"Once again." (Me)  
  
Now the voice is playing as if a different character is doing the voice-overs and characters and as if they had done no bad. There's only one or two people doing this thing anyway so I need to prepare myself for trouble. 

* * *

  
  
"You will perform a crime. I command you to."   
"Why should I do something like that?" (Me)   
"Because I command you."   
"That's not a good reason." (Me) 

* * *

  
  
I suspect hearing songs will be less and less relevant to me from now on. I don't believe in getting audio messages, after all, at least not anymore. Getting messages itself is such a foreign concept in itself, if I hadn't seen many very descriptive dreams while I was younger. Maybe this belief in such messages will also wither away in time.   
For the record, it's been much silence and less talking for now. I enjoy this peace.  
  
"I could control your entire body. I could kill you." And I believe that. If they can move my mouth then they can move other things too.   
"You aren't a Buddha."  
"And I won't become one." (Me)  
  
We exchanged a couple of words about rape before another silence fell.   
  
"Now you hear everything. Now you'll go mad." Let's drink to me not going mad or so exhausted I need a nursing home. This voice is confusing anyway. Oh, and more death threats. Let's also drink to me living past 100 despite this. 


	162. Talking with the voice 26

"X, hey X. I'm a god."  
"You're a shit. And even if you were a god, you'd still be shit." (Me)  
"Do you think I don't remember what happened last summer?" (Me)  
"Yes? I will wipe your memories."  
"Even gods can't do that." (Me)  
  
After a bit of silence.   
  
"I will continue. You will go mad."   
"I hear everything you hear."  
"Then you do." (Me)  
  
After long silence:  
"You did this on purpose. I don't believe you any longer." I have no idea who doesn't believe me now.   
  
There has been much silence and no voices in my head for hours now.   
There haven't been any death threats now. The mimicking has also ceased for a while. I watched some movies and enjoyed this peace. 


	163. Talking with the voice 27

"You're finally beginning to understand me. I hate you."  
"I don't get this anger." (Me)  
  
"I'm ready to fight against you."   
"Well that doesn't mean anything." (Me)   
"It does to me. My brother's here. He wants to kill you."   
"Alright?" (Me)   
  
"I'm in your body. When are you going to believe me?"   
"Well let's say you're in my body. I'll humor you. That doesn't change my life one bit." (Me) Also, it's getting difficult to think in pictures again.   
Also, this voice loves playing as if they have been present my entire life, even though I only started hearing them last year and they haven't seemed to know anything about me.i am once again ignoring the "you have a child" babbling.  
  
"You're pathetic, you won't come here for your child."   
"No, I don't think that makes me pathetic." (Me) Especially since this person speaks of murdering me in the same sentence.   
  
After this, there came the regular 'I hate yous' and such.   
  
"It's no use insulting me. You will go mad."   
"Well what a shit head." (Me)   
  
They haven't started talking to me more but they're timing their speech better now. It gives me time to rest but it's still not nice to speak these things with my own voice. Right now, I feel pressure at my throat. I also feel tired at this whole thing but I trust that these people definitely won't be stopping anytime soon. I still can't fathom why this is legal there somewhere. This is torture.   
  
"We don't have laws. We have a god."  
"Shitty society." (Me)   
"This is illegal."   
"So you have laws." (Me)   
  
"I'm going to kill you today. You can't sleep."   
"Aha." (Me)   
  
The most likely way this person will try to kill me is by constricting my windpipe, which is supposedly placebo, but I strongly suspect it's not. Anyway, here's to another sleepful night! 


	164. Talking with the voice 28

Today has been silent except for a couple of almost silent name repetitions and the "I've always been here" bullshit excuse. This person wouldn't have succeeded in being quiet at all and would have started commenting on my life earlier had they been here earlier. But no, this all started last summer. Also, this guy feels it's his need to comment on what I can think of and what I cannot. Fucking shit head.   
  
"You woman. You have breasts." Oh, did I not mention that ever since I profiled this person as a woman, they have made fun of me being woman and are salty every time I call them a woman? That's the case, however. They have also taken upon themselves telling me I'll never get children and that they'd always be there to stop me.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I'll kill you if someone ever hits me or grabs me by the hair. I don't like it."   
"That's a bit of an overreaction." (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
"You won't get children. I command you."  
"I don't really care what you command, to be honest." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
"I will be here for your entire life."   
  
When I mentioned to a nurse that this was a person who spoke to me, because voices aren't this responsive, I was told it was impossible but if I wanted to cope by saying it's a person, I could. I retain my point of view with vicious tenacity.   
  
Also, the picture of the bird man is almost ready. I hope it inspires you when it comes. I will post it on the bird man's chapter in AO3 and it will become the latest post here on Dreamwidth.   
  


* * *

  
  
"You're thinking of suicide."   
"You are SO nice." (Me)   
"I'm not actually like this."   
"You're ready to stalk me my entire life, give me voices and suicide bait me and threaten with your imaginary brother, saying you'd never do the killing. How are you completely ignoring all that?" (Me)   
"I accept my- I can't say that."   
  
At this point, my mother commented that I should learn to control my chakras. A not very helpful advice but I was hesitant to shoot her beliefs down.   
  
"Do you feel that? I'm in your body." At this point, I have no idea why this person continues with their bullshit. My mind is, however, beginning to calm down and I am beginning to fit pieces into their places in my head. It's just not very helpful that this voice comes out as my own voice. I need a very strong will to live after this.   
  
"Mom, I'm here. Come here." For fuck's sake, this again. This after my mother just told me the tale of a real life bambi. I can't really process my thoughts properly because I think aloud and this voice comments on my sayings a lot.   
  
"I'll destroy your soul." And then some odd inscrutable babbling.   
I thought of B aloud when: "What? I'm here." happened. It's scary to think what science they're using to speak with someone else's mouth. Will we have this technology in the future? I can imagine all the wrongdoing it can cause.   
  
"You have rape fantasies. You just don't remember, they come in dreams."   
"I don't think fantasies work like that." (Me)   
"Well they came true. I want to rape you."  
"Guess this is something I ought to get used to as well..."(Me)  
"No one gets used to this."   
"Well if this continues for my entire life, then I will." (Me)   
"You won't."   
  


* * *

  
  
For the rest of the day, the voice talked of rape and how I shouldn't anger it (it's quite pathetic in person) and how it would rape me and such. It also made a note on how it was a woman (remember when I told you I hated woman according to this thing?) and how I had rape fantasies I didn't know of. It was quite disheartening to hear its bullshit and it seems more insistent in getting me to hear its voice. I suppose this is another one of its schemes to "drive me mad". There was also some character changes, as in it played someone who "learned much from me" when we talked of inner voices. Or I did the talking and the voice spoke shit of me. I don't really have an inner voice, it does come up rarely, and I think the voice doesn't like that. It talked of being sick and how it wasn't truly responsible for its doings because of this or because it was a child during that particular period. It's really pathetic, it would even sic its own brother at me and not dirty it's own hands.  
  
"Am I pathetic? I'll rape you."   
"That there, that's pathetic." (Me)   
"I'll start moving your face. You don't like that, do you?"   
"That there, again. You aren't evil, you're just pathetic." (Me)   
  
I shall see how much of my face is actually moving but right now, I feel very much in control. Now it's speaking of sexually training me, eugh. I don't think it can see my thoughts though. And once again, weird sensations between my legs. It thinks it can threaten me with rape. Well I can't exactly say much in protest so I guess this is another thing to get used to, as much as I hate saying that. 


	165. Paying attention to my body

I'm pretty sure I pay too much attention to what's going around my body. Panicking for half a year does that. 


	166. Kill yourself

Today has been mostly silent with a couple of name repetitions.There was a couple of times that they said "Do a suicide, you're dead" but I mostly just ignored them. I tried to ponder how this was different from regular conversations and how I shouldn't be influenced by this talk but it's so different when these people make you talk and get into your head, a sacred place for anyone. I thought of the justification for death penalty and I have to say, the line is dimming for me. This is such a heinous act that has been going on for almost a year now that I find it hard to justify a just prison charges for them. This entire thing changes the way you think, you start to think there's this kid of a monster in everyone but I can say with certainty that I wouldn't have done this or if I had, I would have stopped a long time ago. Don't ruin others' health to justify your own anger. This voice disagrees and would probably quote "every emotion is valid" but that's such a wrong thing to say when you're talking to someone's head and trying to suicide bait them because you're mad at them. That's just plain wrong. Also, the rape threats are disgusting. It came to such that I confessed that I would watch this person be molested. I don't care much for them anymore, if I ever did. They seem to be here to stay, to make my life miserable but somehow failing at what they do.  
  
I fail to see they want me as anything else but dead. Will I end up writing this diary till the end of my days or will they finish the job and kill me one day? Who knows, everyone else thinks that believing what they say is a step to bullshit kingdom. I'd like it if they didn't talk to me at all.  
  
Sometimes it's hard to view them as nothing but "teachers". I have had to fight with my impatience and other adjacent things due to these talks with them but they also cause the impatience and anger. So I need to invalidate my own feelings and just converse despite wanting to get as far away from these people as possible. I truly don't like conversing with people that talk about the same things, threaten to destroy your reputation, threaten to kill me and my family and friends and cause those placebo like effects around my body.  
  
This reminded me that when I was in that one discord group, they often took my panic attacks as some spiritual things and said something about the fae and how they're invisible and how they were taking me top safety and such. I think they only meant to cheer me up but I can't deny that my constant panics stressed our bonds very hard. I didn't realise then that this someone who is talking to me and trying to end me wasn't Ra. They played the god and Ra and other gods and every time they came to know an unpleasant fact about me, they went: "No!****-"  
  
I don't actually remember much but those couple of No answers. I really hope this ends during this year and doesn't continue for the rest of my life.  
  
Anyway, gods probably wouldn't try to talk with you. I think they're well versed with the illnesses of humanity and that this would get serious pretty fast. That's how I know the one currently speaking to me is not a nice person. But it's still difficult to waste time hating someone who isn't there in your presence. The voice got a bit angry when it realised I didn't hate it the last time we spoke of this.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Everyone is here. Everyone thinks you're a whore. Kill yourself." Why the fuck does this person think some odd gang of gods being hateful towards me is going to make me kill myself? And that I'd kill myself for my child who's asking for it? I'd send them to a psychiatrist. Also, they're being oddly quiet for the most part of the day. I think they'll be caught at any day now. I hope it doesn't take another year or so. I don't fancy listening to all these KYS comments from my own mouth any longer.  
  
For now, there are no new death threats. I think I shall rest easy today.


	167. Talking with the voice 29

"I'm beginning to understand you. I will start mimicking you. You will go mad. H never liked you, they were a whore. There."  
"I am aware that you're a shit. If you insult someone, then you will." (Me) It had been mostly silent before this.  
  


* * *

  
  
I was just thinking aloud that what if I had children and should just play along.   
"I never said you had any. You're mad!"   
  
"But you have said so!" (Me)   
"I don't know what you're talking about. You're mad."   
"Are you seriously like this?" (Me)   
Then there was silence and a couple of name repetitions.   
  


* * *

  
  
"No one gets used to me. You have split personality, it's clearly visible."   
"Suddenly a split personality as you came along? Very believable." (Me)   
  
"You just darted." This guy is there, yes. "I know everything about you." They don't. They just angry I don't validate their anger. But this stalking will continue for how long ever, sigh.   
"You were in the toilet. I see poop!"  
"..." (Me)   
"Oh, you didn't?"  
"You do realise this isn't acting any longer?" (Me) They're propably mimicking all annoying tropes they're aware of but that doesn't change the fact that they're performing this on someone, have been for a year already, so that erases the acting part. Someone actually would follow you to bathroom and comment on how you defecate...  
  


* * *

  
  
"You think I'm stupid!"   
"Yes, I do. A fucking moron, if I may." (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
A couple of name repetitions and "You'd hit me over this?" and yes, yes I would.   
At the current moment, they're making fun of my sexual fantasies. And no, I still can't properly think in pictures.

* * *

  
  
"You will die young."   
"Why?" (Me)   
"I don't know. I just threaten."   
"This happens when you threaten us."   
"You did this to me before I had even talked with you." (Me)   
"Also, if you do things like this, you will probably be threatened a lot." (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
A lot of name repetitions. Also one "I'll kill you" but that's about it. Weird sensations at the throat.   
  
"A god is talking to you. This is the bird man. I'm translating."  
"You can't even play a god, it's just you, again. And I thought gods knew all languages." (Me)   
"You're annoying."   
"Aha." (Me)   
"I'll kill you."   
"Oh no." (Me)   
  
"You don't get people. I hate you. You said my hate was pathetic."   
"I don't get why you have to act like this over me seeing the bird man. You behave badly." (Me)   
"I don't accept you."   
"I don't give a shit." (Me)   
"Who do you think I am?"   
"Some woman with too much time in their hands." (Me)  
"I HATE you. I'm the bird man."   
"No, you're not. You're just someone taking advantage of this situation." (Me)   
There's silence after this.   
"You'd beat me up."  
"Yes, I would." (Me)  
"I am armed."  
"Something tells me you don't abide by the laws. And if you commit murder, you will be caught." (Me)  
"You think you're better than me."  
"Yes, I do. In many ways." (Me)  
After this, I hear a bit of unclear babbling and someone is repeating my name. My eyes also moved a bit without my say, and I know this sounds crazy. I am intent to report everything I feel here.  
"You aren't better than me. You're just a shit to me."  
Predictable answer. "Alright, then we will probably argue."  
"You talk of *** to ***." This is something they figured out after being with me for a while. I think I even told them about it when I still wasn't sure what they were.  
"Yes I do, especially when asked on the subject." (Me)  
"You're just a human."  
"And what are you? Just someone." (Me)  
"I'm B. I hate socialism."  
"Aha." (Me)  
"Hate is free. I'm in your body."  
"Yes, hate is free but don't direct it out like this. Also, no, you're not." (Me)  
I get a couple of name repetitions after this. I think there's no way they can see through my eyes, which makes their ploy full of guesswork. So far they think they're better than most others just because they're a self-proclaimed god, have a career in identity theft and threaten people daily. Also, don't forget the way they talk of those "less" than them. They just go straight for torture.  
  
"I haven't touched you between the legs. I also haven't spoken of rape with you. Everyone will believe me."   
"Doesn't matter, I'm writing this all down." (Me)   
  
I was just thinking about that "I'm in you body" comment, when:" I'm not in your body."  
"What does ahegao mean?"  
"Your child learned a new word."  
After this, there's babbling again but it's incoherent. 


	168. Talking with the voice 30

So far the voice was quiet during my therapy session, except for a lone "You're mad! You need a nursing home" and then a couple of grimaces. Then, when I got out, there was a couple of "I hate you" lines.  
  
"How are you better than me? You don't think."   
"I'm better because you do things like this to others." (Me)   
"How does that make you better? Why? I'm doing the same thing to you, you see."   
"Try to think a bit." (Me)   
"... I can't say much to that."   
  


* * *

  
  
"Don't you get it? You're mad."   
"Hey, I was at a ward. I know there are cases much worse than me and my wits are still with me." (Me)   
"Start using drugs."   
"Why?" (Me)   
"You want to."   
"I don't." (Me)   
"Who are you talking to?"   
"I don't know, she's mad."   
"So it's this fame again. What a waste of air." (Me)   
  
"I will die."   
"If you behave badly then yes, that's possible. Not my concern, to be honest." (Me)   
"I'm your child."   
"You're behaving badly and might die then." (Me)   
"Kill this person, they aren't my mother." What a joke. See, it's the child doing all the questioning again. And what a precise moment to play a child, hah.   
  
"Your child died. They were killed." Again. I have no doubt this 'child' will resurface in a couple of minutes.   
  
"I'll stop."   
"I won't. I'll continue."   
  
"I will be killed."   
"Then you will." (Me)   
"You don't take care of me at all."   
"You aren't mine. I'd never raise a child to behave like this." (Me)   
"You were raped."   
"Then I was." (Me)   
"I don't think you get this. You have a child that wants you." Sexually or otherwise, it's not clear.   
"I'm not interested."   
"Someone is listening to this. I won't talk to you anymore." This will get broken in a couple of seconds.  
"Mom, I want you." See? I have no idea in what way they want me.  
"Whore! I don't want you!" OK?  
"You're ugly, I don't want you." Honestly, this is so womanly I can't even... I have never heard men speak like this.  
  


* * *

  
  
A couple of name repetitions and I got my own words thrown at me twice(?) I think. The voice also said this:  
  
"I won't stop until I'm caught. There, that's the kind of person you are."   
"Yes, I would be." In any other scenario, maybe, but I tend to think I still have boundaries that would take tremendous effort to cross. My brain seems to be getting used to this, though I lack patience and concentration.   
  
"I'm not stupid."   
"You pretty much are." (Me)   
"Why would you spend a year here being a fucking smart ass?" (Me)   
"Because I wanted to. Do you know anything of our laws?"   
"No." (Me)   
"I'm sentenced to death." Pretty sure they'd be in jail if this was the case and they've said multiple times "no one knows I'm doing this" so... And they'd probably seriously try to kill me if that was the case. So far, this is apparently only "talking". I don't count this as talking anymore.   
  
"You're beginning to understand. I HATE you."   
"Still not a good reason to attack someone." (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
"I could kill you. How am I not evil?"   
"You're just a whore with too much time in her hands. You can't be compared to others. And you probably won't kill me." (Me)   
"You called me a whore? I can't understand your speech, how about you deep throat less so that could be fixed."  
"Is mimicking my words the only thing you do well?" (Me)  
"Yes? Shouldn't I?"  
"No, you can keep doing that but that's apparently the only thing you're good at." (Me) They have no high ground of any kind.  
"You think I should be quiet!"  
"Yes."(Me)  
After this, there's a bit of silence and a couple of name repetitions.   
"No one will read your text. No one will believe you."  
"At least this is a great place to study one voice and read what it's like. Maybe others have stuff like this going on." (Me)  
  
"You think I'm stupid. Why am I stupid?"   
"You're an adult, you should get these things already." (Me)   
"You're going to bathroom!"  
"I'm your child! You don't care about your children!"  
"Wow, aren't you ashamed of acting like this? Not at all?" (Me)  
"No, you're my mother."  
"You will be caught one day if this continues for years." (Me)   
"No, I won't! You don't care about your children!"  
  
"I will return. You won't get away from me that easily!"   
"..." (Me) This person is so stupid I don't want to waste any words on them.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I have a brother. He's stronger than you."   
"You're going to sic your brother at me?" (Me)   
"Yes. I won't do a thing."   
"So you won't be a team with your brother? You won't do anything by yourself?" (Me) At this point I also remembered that I can't really do anything against this person either so I'm hoping they'll quit or I get rescued. After a couple of seconds of silence:  
"I'll never kill you." Which sounds weird coming from this person. After this there's a single name repetition in my head. Oh, this person repeats my name, no one else's.   
  
"I am pathetic." This seems to be a character they're playing instead of their full front personality. They side step any insults aimed at them this way.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully. That's what you'd have done to me, right?"   
"I'd have beaten you up and called the cops on you." (Me)   
"There's no police here."   
"Apparently." (Me)   
  
"I don't care that people are angry at me." I suppose this is another 'smart' jab at me not caring about my imaginary children or the anger of this person. By the way, I'm making faces again.  
  
"No one talks with me." I have a feeling this had to do with the bit of inscrutable babbling I heard for a bit. They have a stick up their arse and are just repeating one cliché after the other.   
  
"Doesn't this bother you? I'm repeating your name."   
"It does." (Me)   
"Then I'll continue." What an arsehole.   
  
I'll be honest, this stalking is kind of messing with me in a way that I'm not used to. But I'm confident that if this continues for years, I'll become much more accustomed to it. I can't really do much else about things since I don't know how they're doing this. I wonder if many people go through this decisive and attacking voices? There are also weird sting around my stomach area. I doubt that's much case for concern, though.   
  


* * *

  
  
"You don't like yourself."   
"I do though?" (Me)   
"No you don't."   
"Yes, I do." (Me)   
"No, you don't."   
"I do. I also have a loving family here. " (Me)   
"They lie to you."   
"And you don't? Also, how would you magically know that?" (Me)   
"..."   
  


* * *

  
  
"I'm trying to kill you. This would bother anyone."  
"Right..." (Me) Very encouraging. Also, a couple of tugs in my mind. I hate it when they happen.  
"I hate you. That's why I'm doing this."  
"That's universally not a good reason for this. Had I raped of killed someone or stolen some money, then I would understand this treatment but I haven't done anything. Also, I think you know the bird man."  
At this my face makes a grimace. I dunno if it's acting at this point or not. Sometimes when I move more than I intended, my face makes surprised expressions though I suspect this is more acting or them supposedly doing this. Imma just roll with these reactions for now, I need to get this off my chest. This will either be understood in the future or I will proclaim myself not cured from my schizoaffective disorder. Whichever.  
  
"I will kill you now."   
  
I think I should still be able to rest easy today? 


	169. Hearsay

By the way, everything I say here is hearsay to you people. Don't immediately believe it, just take it as another writing or a diary entry. My problems started when I believed too much and you can get abused pretty easily if you just always believe or expect the best of people. I'm currently engaging with the shittiest person in my whole world but you don't need to feel bad and push yourself to read if you don't want to. I'll post the commissioned picture in the earlier chapters to avoid readers' fatigue. 


	170. No rest

I get no peaceful rest. At the current moment, the voices want me to kill myself and I have no idea if this is because they want me back at hospital. They didn't like that we don't have nursing homes for my kind over here. Again, I need to remind myself that this will probably harden me until hearing those words no longer bothers me.  
"You will no longer play." They took issue with the fact that I sometimes play around. Some of the voices that belittled me in the beginning also started telling me they were 'only playing around'. How bitter do you have to be to start this kind of a foul campaign?  
  


* * *

  
  
I suddenly woke up with my head full of sounds. Someone's getting angry, repeating my name and mimicking me. I think they finally hit their melting point. Otherwise it's very quiet. I received a couple of throat constrictions from criticizing the voice though. I think even that is meant to mimic how I'd use violence against the voice. I definitely would, after this. The only thing they've got going on for them is the distance between us and this weird connection that's going to their advantage. This seriously needs some attention, someone is mental.   
"You aren't panicking."   
Fuck the kind of god that needs to do shit like this or if it's not a god, fuck the society that let's stuff like this go unnoticed. I think I need more sleeping pills.   
  
"You need shock therapy."   
"I'm not doing anything like that." There was a woman who willingly went through it at the ward and the seizure and headaches aren't worth it, in my opinion. This someone just wants to get under my skin again. They're an idiot like that. They really could just leave me alone.   
  
Suddenly all breath went out of me while I rested and I saw a woman holding her middle finger up in my mind. I am disinclined to believe the woman meant anything but I'm worried about the comments in regards to my breathing.   
  
"You will be killed one day."   
"Well, oh no."(Me) I seriously could have guessed it with all this threatening and whatever breath play this is.   
"Do an ahegao."  
"No." (Me)  
  
"I decided to rape you." Maybe they will, if they one day get their hands on me. Either way, this record stays here.   
I also feel tugs here and there in my mind. The voice said, once again, that they were torturing me. 


	171. Talking with the voice 31

The day started with one name repetition and something about a dream. I saw a dream where my sister died.  
  
"You wish I'd be raped because I'm talking to you."   
"It did cross my mind, yes."(Me)  
"Then you'll be raped one day."   
  
I thought about how this voice has started mimicking me.   
"Now you got it. I will become one of your voices. You will obey me."   
  
"Why the everliving fuck? You're a shit head." (Me) Let's see where this goes. I think the main goal of these people is to send me back to a hospital.   
  


* * *

  
  
"Kill yourself." This said after a lot of mimicking and wiseassery.   
"I'm your child. You were raped. It was the bird man. He likes children." Look at this. Every bad guy is apparently a pedophile and the bird man has done god knows to what to me but I think I'd know about it. And once again, this only started last year. The bird man hasn't raped me.  
"You're ruining everyone's reputation. "(Me)  
"Yes I am!"  
"Why?" (Me)   
"Because I want to."  
"That's not a good reason." (Me)   
"No one can kill me, I'm a child. If I die, you die too. You won't go to a hospital."  
"I'll damn well go to a hospital if you try." (Me)  
  
"Why don't you believe me?"  
"You have a tendency to lie and I'd know if I was raped." (Me)  
"Then what is this? What am I? I'm your child!"  
"That I unknowingly had due to rape? I would know if I was raped." (Me)  
  
"You're writing everything I say?"  
"No. And I try to explain after your comments." (Me)  
"You can't explain this!"  
"No, but I can try to explain you." (Me)  
  
"You have to kill yourself. Otherwise you will kill someone." They've taken to repeating "kill" to me several times a day and, no, I'm not killing myself or anyone else.   
  
I moved a bit many times and then a grimace lit up on my face.   
"Don't move, I'm moving you."   
"Bullshit." (Me) They've been trying to go for this "You have no autonomy" for a long time. Don't believe them if this happens to you, you're more than likely just moving at the same time as they make the faces or whatever it is they do.   
  
"I'm your child. I love you."   
"Well I don't love you, especially if you behave like this." (Me)   
"You don't have a child. That was a test."   
  
"I don't want to mimick you."   
"I'd kill you if you beat me."   
"I'm a child." They're just using this to get sorry points and in my opinion, even a child shouldn't get scotch free if they did this.   
  


* * *

  
  
I argued with the voice in the shower. It's the same demented child plot again. Now it's quiet. I think they are still lurking behind it all. I just need to be able to withstand this for a while longer. I have great faith in my brain.   
  


* * *

  
  
"Do you know where I am?"   
"No." (Me)   
"I don't have children. I'll drive you mad."  
  
There's much name repeating after this and I feel tired and very preyed upon. Voices in your head are never nice.   
  
"You've ruined your brain."   
"Fuck off, I haven't." (Me)   
  
"Am I stopping my own thoughts?" (Me) I thought this aloud.   
"I'm trying to torture you." No idea how they're doing it or what it causes now. The talking causes certain disparities in my psyche. I wish they'd give me a day or two off.   
  
"They'll do this same to me. I won't comment anymore. I'm not here."   
  
Let's see how long this'll last. 


	172. Talking with the voice 32

"You're in the toilet!"   
"I swear, when humanity figures out how you're doing this, it's going to be the end of you. We will one day get where you are. Then you can't do these things anymore." (Me)   
"X, you're threatening."  
"It's a future prediction." (Me)  
  
"Runny!"   
"In what world is this okay??" (Me) To be honest, I'll probably never get used to the toilet commentary but that doesn't mean it'll stop. This person is very...insistent.   
  
They commented on how I took my cat outside.   
  
"You will stay home or I'll start screaming."   
"Piss off. I'm heading out." (Me)   
  
"I know your fantasies."   
"Then you do." (Me)   
"I'll tell everyone."   
  
"I'll try to kill you now."   
  
"You're as womanly as can be." See how they spit these out? Someone is clearly salty. No doubt this comment too will be thrown in my face some time in the future.   
  
"You don't trust god. God could help you."   
  
"Become mad, it's fun."  
"No way it is." (Me) And I still don't believe in general madness.  
  
"You will be killed one day." I can't help but make a face at this. I have received at least three of these today.   
  
"Are you coming here to beat me? I'm armed! I'll shoot you!"   
"..." (Me) The 'small talk' resumes after this. In my head. I hate this person. A couple of comments that this person took from me and throws in my face again. This is the way they fight. With threats, insults and terrible behavior. And of course they love to threaten me with their 'brother'. What a lovely person.   
  
There's a song playing in my head with the line 'mediocre'.   
  
Some call outs repeated but otherwise it's quiet. I enjoy the human sounds of my vicinity. They're quite unlike the voices.  


* * *

  
  
"You will never find me!" I think this person is just playing around. I don't even know if anyone is trying to catch them.   
  
"This will never end."   
"You must be abused."   
  
"I'm your child!"   
"You're breaking all kinds of human rights here, I don't care even if you were." (Me)   
"She doesn't care about you." They love saying this whenever I answer back at them with a child comment. There is a couple of grimaces after this. No doubt these people could be much worse.   
  
"Ahegao. I know what it is."   
"OK." (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
"This is how I beat people. I can't do it otherwise."   
"You got me into trouble."  
"I don't want to kill you."  
  


* * *

  
  
As a side note, my mother takes me very seriously. That helps a bit, although I feel like I have graduated from believing in chakras.   
  
"You have fought too much. I will destroy you."   
"I hate you."   
"You're writing to your teacher."   
"I am J." One of my teacher's girls. I don't know why they continue with this scheme since there's no way my teacher had anything to do with this. Either way, J and B come up every once in a while.   
"Kill yourself. You can no longer run away from me."  
"Run away from who?" (Me)  
"Mom..." Again with this. My supposed child has already died a number of different times and ways.  
  
Sometimes some pictures flash in my mind, things I have done or so, but I have discussed this with other people. It's normal. 

* * *

  
  
I wish these people had gone to someone who researches UFOs or space or something. Not religious folk, they could make a religion out of this.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I know the bird man. Think of him. He'd like that." I'd like all those who are interested in the bird man to think of him, if you know what I mean. I will post his picture soon. I also hope that if you find the art style beckoning, you go commission the artist or join his patreon.   
  
"I will never bully you again. I will free you. Sometime in the future."  
"I'm trying to heal you." No idea what they're trying to heal me from. Also, weird way of healing.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Kill yourself." See? This is their main goal.   
  
"Someone will die."  
  
There's incoherent babbling in my head now. Something about me not being able to handle this, about someone moving my body and controlling my thoughts et cetera. I feel very much in control of myself though.   
  
"We have tried to kill you for a long time." Why this is the case, I don't know.   
  


* * *

  
  
"This isn't torture, I'm just lying."   
  
It gets more quiet every now and then but right now they said "You're shit", much like I said at them.   
  
"I won't torture, I just lie. You won't hear voices anymore." Let's see how long this will last.   
"I could kill you." My face mimicks something at this too.   
  
They react very well to Karen comments and whore comments and they enjoy flinging those insults back at you at their pace. By the way, I'm tagging this as schizophrenia as well in AO3 because this might help someone who suffers through similar difficulties.   
I also got the voices in my head back. That was fairly quick, even by their standards.  
  


* * *

  
  
The voice changed it's character into the wife of bird man (it's not the first time they've used this character) and said: "Oh, that kind of body."   
This has to be a woman. I've never seen a man behave like this.   
  
"You're not in danger. That's why no one is coming. I'm just lying. I'm not going to kill you." What a sentiment from someone who probably choked me. They also insist they haven't raped me but that one incident was so dubious I'm dubbing it as dubious consent. I should be able to rest easy today.   
  
By the way, the voices inside my head returned. This guy just doesn't keep his/her promises at all.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I won't be here for three years! I'll be here longer."   
  
That means I have shit ton of writing to do. I will document this entire journey from start to finish.   
I got a name repetition. Now some gibberish. They also want me to kill myself. My patience is wearing very thin. 


	173. Talking with the voice 33

They started with pointing out one of my sexual interests today. They also think fiction and its tropes should be better curated. Well, so far they've behaved like an anti so god knows where this goes from here.  
  
When I had a bit more brain noise today, the instant reply was this: "Go to a nursing home. You hear voices."   
  
I felt like laughing a couple of moments ago and I have to confess this confusion isn't good for my brain. Sometimes it feels like I've hit a wall and my brain short circuits or something. I'm still me though and I believe in my own remarks more than ever. This person's madness is driving someone up against a wall so many times they start crying, panicking, questioning themselves and all sorts of strange things. It's tiring the other out and I think this can be counted as torture but it's a soft core version. Last year, it felt like there was someone pulling something in my brain painfully and I think that was them trying out some other means.   
  
"I have never been against a god. You must die."   
For seeing one lone bird man, that's it. Pathetic if this is some love scheme. "I won't." (Me)   
"I'll kill you."   
"And you're lying again." (Me) My face makes a grimace after this and my eyes squint. After this I make a couple of more faces and talk about how I will die. This experience makes me more and more sure that angels or spirit guides don't exist and that gods aren't all powerful. Or then they operate on a weird world where it is completely alright to try and hijack someone's body. This doesn't sit well with me but I'm not the one to make the rules.   
  
Now it's silent. I get some respite.   
  


* * *

  
  
"You can't do anything."   
"I'm K from your fanfic. I exist."  
  


* * *

  
  
Every now and then my eyes squint when I comment something. Now it's quiet.   
  
"Pathetic." My own words thrown back again.   
"You don't have thoughts. You're stupid." Very clever.   
"I'm a god and you'd beat me."   
"Yes, I would. You don't seem to get that this should be illegal." (Me)   
"And you decide that?"   
"No, humans will since you can't be trusted to make these decisions." (Me)   
"And you are?" This is one of my own comments again.   
"I am me, X." (Me)   
"I didn't know your name."   
"Yes, you did. You have followed me for months." (Me)   
After this they started harassing me again. They don't take well to being questioned.   
  


* * *

  
  
They want me to take this child plot seriously even though I have received no dreams, no information, nothing before this of any child. I just saw the bird man, nothing more.   
  
"You can't come here anymore. But once was enough. I'll kill you." This person is the epitome of unpleasant. I will still keep documenting this here for as long as I live.   
  
"Your child actually died." I have no idea what they're aiming for with this. Suicide ? Absolutely no.   
  


* * *

  
  
There's both quiet and interludes of small sounds. My mother thinks one of my chakras is too open and that we need professional help. I am extremely reluctant to get any chakra help to "ground" me. I have never heard of this happening to anyone or chakra or energy work to have helped against mental illnesses. 

* * *

  
  
"Father's here. You're my mother." Fucking hell. It'd still be illegal to torture someone no matter what convoluted family situation is going on over there.   
  
"Do you hear my voice? You do, somehow."   
"I don't." (Me)   
  
"Your child died."   
"Hmm." (Me)   
  
"I don't do sex here. I don't want to."   
"Why are you telling me this, I don't care." (Me)   
  
"I'll continue, you aren't sick."   
"I'll kill you."   
"I'm threatening." Probably a jab at me threatening them.   
  
"Stop making me mimick faces." (Me)   
"I do what I want."   
"Fucking whore." (Me)   
"You won't eat today. You'll puke."  
"Then I'll eat more." (Me)  
  
"Father's suffocating you."   
"Is that true? Is daddy dearest doing this? Give me your father's name." (Me)   
"You're disgusting. And no."   
  
"You won't eat. You'll puke." They're referencing that one time I dissed them so hard and long that my muscles contracted and I puked hard even while I ate afterwards. I'm, of course, still eating.   
  
"I'm right next to you, I'm destroying your brain."   
"I'm in your body! I won't leave!" This has convinced me that it's impossible to enter someone else's body.  
  
This someone also stops whenever they notice their work is beginning to escalate into torture. They tortured a lot at the beginning but nowadays, they've taken an easier approach. Just be quiet, you see ? I also don't get nearly as much voices in my head as I used in the hospital, where the snaps occurred. I also haven't thrown up at all after that one incident though I do pay more mind to how my body reacts to things now. That stresses me more now but it's got nothing on whenever a voice pops up in my head. They really bother me quite much.   
  
"This continues."   
  
Afterwards they spoke of toilet business again and commented on how I do it and said everyone was there to listen. Which is weird. This person is weird. They also made some absurd claims about being the bird man, which is definitely false. This guy just wants to grind some dirt into my and your picture of the bird man. That guy was regal, this guy comments on others' toilet habits. There's a difference.   
  
"I'm just lying. I'm not doing anything else anymore."   
  
I'm going to assume that everything they tell me is a straight up lie, which is exactly how I thought things were. I just sometimes hear their voices in my head and it's starting to affect me badly.   
  
More facial mimicking. I don't like it but I can't stop it. Also one "Someone's moving you", which is bullcrap. Then more 'surprised' faces. Also one "Do a suicide". I intend to live past 100 years even with this bullshit condition.   
  
"Do you think I came just to insult you? I came to kill you." Here is to my next hundred or so years with this voice.   
  
Some more family and bird man jokes. Something about father and how I've been raped and now a tug in my mind. This voice doesn't need others to rape, it does it on its own. I'm very dubious about those hot waves and shaking I experienced last year in my bed. Regardless, I have many reasons to live and they'll last years.   
  
There's a couple of tugs again.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I'll kill you today."   
  
"I hate you. That was your lover." See what they do here? It was a lover from my psychosis episode. They're assuming I have insulted someone despite many New Age witches assuming they sleep with whatever creatures and gods. But only I'm being targeted. Too weak of an argument.   
  
"You're ugly. Do you still not believe I'm a god?"   
"What could I have possibly done to make a god angry at me?" (Me)   
"You saw a god."   
"Seeing something cannot be an offense, that's ridiculous." (Me)   
  
"God doesn't kill. But I do. You will die."   
"Good bye, we have tortured you for a year."   
  
To be honest, I'm not sure which expressions are my own and which come from this guy. I feel like I'm losing a fight on a psychological level. I'm still not sure why seeing a god warrants torture but hey, I don't make the rules. 


	174. The things I learned

Among the things I have learned from the voices is how to repress my thoughts and cause shocks in my brain. Thanks. 


	175. Talking with the voice 34

"Oh, you're awake? I'm here from now on." And then some name repetitions. I just affirmed that I'd like mornings to myself yesterday so here they are, ruining it. Now more my name repetitions.  
  
"I won't be killed if I kill you. They can't. I'm a god."   
"You're only a god to yourself. You can't keep doing these things and be a god." (Me)   
  
"The bird man doesn't exist."   
"You wouldn't be here if he didn't." (Me)   
  
"You won't get free from me ever! I'll always be here!" Beginning to sound more like an idiot. They're insistent on wasting their life away on me and making my life miserable.   
  
"X."   
"Don't talk to me." (Me)   
"I'll talk to you whenever I want."   
"Don't fucking talk to me, you bitch." (Me)   
  
It honestly feels like these sudden bursts of speech are replacing some of my social interactivity. It's not a nice feeling. No one should speak from someone else's mouth or into someone's head. These people just don't understand that.   
Now it's quiet again.   
  


* * *

  
  
"Now I know what you like. Ahegao. I'll tell everyone. You're going to be raped and do that."   
Seriously, how low is this guy going to sink? This is pathetic but they'll throw that in my face too when I say it. They really are a control freak.   
  
Renai Circulation's I'm happy I met you line is circling in my head. Seeing the bird man was not worth this.   
  


* * *

  
  
"You're a whore. You have a child."   
"Hey, let's play I have a child. Happy?" (Me)   
"Don't talk to me. You're crazy."   
  
"You're a woman. You behave like a woman."  
"Yes?" (Me) Again a throw like this. You can expect them at every turn.  
  
I feel kind of pushes in my mind. Something about not thinking anything.   
  


* * *

  
  
I receive a lot of pushes in my mind during this silence. Also, my picture of the bird man has turned a bit more sadistic. In my mind, he's on my side and does these things back to the assailant. With my brain kind of tired, it's no wonder these pictures and ideas come out. 


	176. Talking with the voice 35

"I'm here, with you! I'm in your body! Are you depressed?"  
  
After this, it was quiet for a long time but now there are name repetitions. My face also grimaced once.   
  
"I tortured you because I wanted to. Be angry."   
  
"You're going to toilet! White!"   
  
"You're no longer panicking. Good, one shouldn't panic."   
  
Some more name repetitions. Apparently they're trying to figure my everything out. Don't exactly know why yet.   
  
"You'll become normal." I have never been diagnosed with anything but this schizoaffective disorder.   
  
Something about how I think I'm better than others. I certainly am happy with myself and I'm always evolving. I might say some stupid takes and those either stay or they don't, whichever. Now some more name calling. It's mostly silent, though. I'm still thinking about this person's definition of a broken person. I don't think I agree with it. I don't think I believe in brokenness ti begin with.   
  
"You're ugly. I'm prettier than you." I have no idea, again, who said this but they certainly feel like always telling me how ugly or something else I am. I have never really met men who do this, to be honest, so it skews my perception to the 'this is a woman' side once more. I think I should hit the gym more often but otherwise, I'm pretty happy with myself.   
  
"You're not X. You're a monster." This is something (the monster part) that my teacher said to me in a different form once (to be precise, it was 'don' t be a monster'). It was back when I thought the things I could see were real and I attacked some "magical creatures". If this happens to you, don't be afraid. You can't be replaced in your own body no matter what bullshit these people spout.   
  
"You're such a woman. You're looking at make up."   
"Hey, you're the only one who got insulted over being called a woman." (Me)   
"Women don't behave in one way."   
"Are you looking at the way you act? You're like cut out from some kids' cartoon where you're the evil stepmother. I have never seen men behave like this or if you are a man, you're probably very alone." (Me)   
"What about trans people."   
"I'd think they know how to act as well." (Me)   
"You annoy me." At this, I feel pressure at my throat. "Am I a woman?"   
"You don't need to get insulted over it. Just be quiet. That's the only thing you can do." (Me)   
"You insult women."   
"And you behave badly." (Me)   
"You can't talk."   
"And you can't act. We're even." (Me)   
  
After this, I get a couple of name repetitions.   
  
"You're a woman. Remember that. You won't change your sex."   
"I'm not planning to?" (Me)   
"You hated women. You wanted your breasts off."   
"I'm not going to comment on that." (Me)   
  
"You're beginning to break. Soon you won't understand anything of anything."   
"So the process needs outside help." (Me)   
"Let's see where this goes." (Me)   
  
I do feel like if this continues for years, this voice will gradually replace my own opinions. On the other hand, I feel like the end result will be that mean people cannot be mean any longer.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I'll tell everyone your everything."   
"Why?" (Me)   
"I'm not saying."   
"You don't have a good reason for doing that." (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
There's some name repetitions and garbled speaking. Otherwise it's quiet every now and then. I haven't received any death threats today.   
  


* * *

  
  
"X, I'm just quiet. I just listen." Like I told them to do a while back. I wouldn't talk all the time if I were then, in fact, I wouldn't ever do this or would quit if I had.   
  
"You aren't traumatised. You don't know how to get traumatised."   
  
More like, this psychosis got all my juice and made me dunk the rest of my stock energy down the drain. I also have to train my impatience but that's only good. It's hard because there is always someone with me. So there's no privacy since they comment when my muscles do something.   
  
"You like plants!"   
"You threatened me! Do you remember what you said?"  
"No." (Me)  
  
I feel like I have been tortured for a better part of a year already. I remember the time in hospital when these voices came to 'train me' and knew my teacher, but I always had to go to sleep with sleeping pills because they kept talking in my head and didn't even care about my sleeping rhythm. You try to enjoy peace in the psych ward when some knights want to train you and then frame you for a psychotic episode. Just to be clear, the voice lied. They just made noises go off in my head so the first snap happened. There are no knights.   
  


* * *

  
  
I just thought about someone speaking to me.   
"You will go mad."   
  
That's the end goal of this person, apparently. I hope nothing else snaps. And since there haven't been any death threats, I should be able to rest easy. 

* * *

  
  
I've been thinking. Is the reaction we get from lies and other such negative business truly only conditioned into us from birth or is it about something greater? I have yet to see these people manipulate emotions but I'll tell it here if such evidence ever comes forth. I'm against any kind of control from outside parties after this incident. I don't think they can do this to a lot of people at once so we've got that advantage. It'd be useful to know where these people live. Do they live past space? Or is this an attempt at control from another galaxy? I still haven't wrapped my mind around how they're able to control some muscle groups. Me speaking is creepy and so are the voices in my head. This should be illegal but they don't believe in our laws. I think it's going to take years before anyone believes this thing I'm writing but if they do, my writing is here to show you what they can do but I can't provide you with a how. Just a study of sadism and other culture that has to do with the bird man. Speaking of that guy, I saw his pissed off looking face in my mind once only when the voices were pretty loud during my psych ward days. He clearly knows this can be done but isn't doing anything to stop it. What a guy, and not in a good way. Meanwhile, I'm trying to stay calm and be in control of my body. It feels like my role is getting smaller and smaller and since this is my life, I don't like it.  
But I won't be killed off just like that. Remember, if I die of a heart failure (my heart is just fine, it's been checked many times) or of asphyxiation, it is suspicious since these voices threaten me with such. I hope that if that happens, my text will show you the true nature of these people.

* * *

  
  
The voice took an unyielding tone and said I should age up one of my fanfic characters. The voice is behaving like an anti. I can't believe this. 


	177. Talking with the voice 36

"I'll always be here. I don't exist. You're mad. No one knows me, this won't come back to me." No one ever taught this person how to not contradict themselves. I really hope there is a police on this guy's side. Now there's name repetitions. Do I really need to listen to this shit head for my entire life?!  
  
Now they're talking of killing, saying I will kill someone. What the fuck is this guy's problem??   
  
Now this guy is trying to tell me they saw my period pad. In blood.   
"I saw it. Aren't you ashamed?"   
"Look, you have a problem and I'm not going to feel shame over your issues." (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
"Astral travel doesn't exist."  
"I know that." (Me) I remember the time when I frantically asked the medium how I could stop astral traveling if I did it and they told me to believe in my higher self. Later I saw nightmares where this voice was, telling me I was astral traveling and making me panic. I literally lost my breath during those panic attacks. They wouldn't have happened if this voice wasn't here. In fact, it's been bullying and torturing me since my first shake last year, from the moment it started playing Truth and contracting my throat and telling me to call 911. This voice is already a criminal in my book.  
  


* * *

  
  
I enjoy reading. I have noticed that during this year of a pause, my reading speed has decreased. It's like I have to adventure through the lines and words in a different way these days and pay mind to how my face looks at the same time. Sometimes when the sides of my mouth curl up a bit, I pull them down forcefully to make sure the voice isn't making me smile. This is why you shouldn't make others move without their will. It's never nice or any kind of message. It's just cruelty. But it's just as much cruel to make someone panic for so long that reading turns into a task to them.   
  


* * *

  
  
"Is this an experiment?" (Me)  
"Yes."  
  


* * *

  
  
"I haven't done anything to you."   
"Could you leave?" (Me)  
"No! You need me."   
"I don't. Just leave." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
Someone is talking of me becoming mad. I admit, there are more songs ringing in my head and I feel tired but that's what their madness is. Abusing someone until they're too tired to retaliate. I would get better in a heartbeat if this person and their madness didn't ruin my days. It's getting harder to enjoy the little things in life and I feel like my thoughts are being targeted right now.   
More name repetitions. But I feel like I should be able to rest today.  
  
I can't control the pictures in my head as well as I could. In fact, thinking of pictures is hard these days but I feel like it's getting worse. I also get these weird sensations where it feels like my eyes bob out.   
  


* * *

  
  
Calling gods shit heads no longer threatens me with constrictions at my throat. They've also made me mimic less today. I still feel like this is a full frontal attack. 


	178. Talking with the voice 37

It's been very quiet today. Just a couple of name repetitions and grimaces. Oh, and one "I hate you". That's about it.  
  
I think jealousy fuels this person. And also bitterness. Together they made such a cocktail that they decided to come at me and probably break laws. I don't think this is legal or then if this is, their society lacks fundamental understanding of a psyche. Again it's very quiet, but I hear a single song so much it makes me want to sing it. It's about depending on someone.   
  


* * *

  
  
"You abandoned your child." A grimace.  
"You and I have nothing to say to each other so be quiet." (Me)  
"Yes, I do-"  
"No, you don't. Be quiet." (Me)  
  
A grimace after I thought of a certain group of people. This people's abandonment issues deal with only certain people. 

* * *

  
  
"I haven't tortured you. You did it yourself! You're mad!"  
  
Right, so I made myself talk uncontrollably, insult myself, tire myself out so much I had hard time forming sentences and didn't let myself sleep. And of course I magically kept puking three times, always after eating, after I had spent a considerable time insulting this bitch. And I talk of children almost everyday, magically ban myself from having stuff, despite wanting to get anything. Sure I also became unemployed out of my own volition, it's not like I earned good money and would have liked to continue.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I'm never going to leave. And I won't die, I'm a god."   
"Why would a god do something this pathetic?" (Me)   
"You can never have sex. I'll hear. I'll record."   
"Well then you do. You won't dictate what happens in my life." (Me) 

* * *

  
  
Since these voices mention gods and the bird man a lot, I assumed he'd or someone else would help in getting rid of this voice but the voice only laughed at that and said "They should HELP you?" as if it was beneath them. Nice to know that this kind of bullying is completely legal over there if one just keeps to certain limits. If you don't talk too much, you can talk even if that talking consists of threatening, suicide baiting and lying constantly.   
I did receive a couple of questionable dreams but even those don't count to more than shoulder pats. I am hesitant to say I stand alone against this voice, because I don't, but still. If the bird man is out there, he could help me a bit. I would help him if our roles were reversed.   
  


* * *

  
  
"Wet!"  
"I'll drag you here. I'll kill you." I think they are making me repeat this because I think I threatened to kill them at one point in the beginning when they kept saying I would die and that they'd kill me.  
  
"Angels exist."   
"If they do, they do, but guardian angels don't exist at least. Otherwise stuff like this wouldn't happen." (Me)   
  
"You don't have children. I lied." They really don't have to comment on my every thought but they do. It's like I can't have any leeway thoughts, sigh.   
I also don't have any idea how this happens but every time I try to think in animation, as in try to move models and pictures, my thoughts keep getting cut off. I try to keep the skill with me but it's hard in these conditions. Oh, and a couple of name repetitions just came.  
  
"Do you want to die? I'm not helping you any longer."   
"You haven't helped me at all." (Me) I think they meant that this comment came from someone else but the others wouldn't talk with me so it's only them.   
  
Now they're commenting on my story plots, calling them bad and boring. What a guy.   
  
"It's illegal to move others." What about my face? There's no justification.   
  
By the way, half of me thinks this is just a ruse to get the bird man to show up. Like they're adding fuel to the fire on purpose. If this is all done because of one man, I hope that man finds his bed filled with scorpions one day. He seemed to live in a desert what with that pyramid and all.   
  
"You're in the toilet. I'm taking pictures. I'm selling these."   
"Why are you like this?" (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
"I came at a wrong time."   
  


* * *

  
  
"X, you're mad. You hear voices. Go to a nursing home." I hope all of this bites them back tenfold. Now there's some garbled talking. Now I made a face. I think this person is a pro at torturing because it truly feels like these faces I'm making and these words I'm saying are replacing the real me.   
  
One," I raped you" came.   
"You enjoyed it." This is so coming back to haunt them one day. They just can't shut up about this. The experience itself was full of shaking, and hot waves so I honestly thought it was a god but it was just this guy using their means at the right time. It wasn't particularly pleasant or unpleasant. Now I wouldn't rate it very high on any scale. You wouldn't enjoy some shaking and weird sensations between your legs.  
  
"I am a woman. I raped you. You will start hating women." So because one woman does something shitty, I should hate the entire gender? Fuck off.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I want to humiliate you." This sounds very conceited to me. 


	179. Weird dream

I just woke up from the weirdest dream. One god, one devil and two other kinds were arguing at a table and they talked how god hated them, how they raped "her", how I liked my mother thanks to my panic, how they had laughed at me etcetera. God was goddess Madoka and I was the devil Homura.  
  
They use anagrams and symbolism, people. That's what Gods do. They don't show themselves just like that. Here they showed themselves almost like playing a game, like they were above everything. Everyone was angry, there was something about removing someone's stomach.   
  
"I raped you for a reason." This just came in.   
  
I still don't understand how they drag my consciousness to places and make me see anime symbols, which I would know, or if what they do has more to do with actual dreams? Maybe not dragging the consciousness is the point and they just send dreams? But that would imply they have a hold of everyone's consciousness! That's crazy and scary!   
  
"I'm scared."   
"I don't give a shit, be quiet." (Me)   
  
Maybe they send out dreams so they can easily scare the dream viewer? Like, is the world operated through fear? Is fear the only thing keeping everyone in control? That sucks. And someone knows me really well if they send me Madoka dreams and where Gods take ordinary forms only to later reappear as themselves. I have heard of others doubting dreams as well but this is like the proof. You have to be either attached to them or not, I don't know yet, but I will try to find out.   
Then there's a possibility they only use symbolism to represent the issue and not people. Maybe even the bird man actually wants to stay as hidden? But this is still huge to me.   
  
"I raped you, X." Like some revelation. Of course it's this guy, no one else has the guts to do it and laugh about it later.  
  
I have received some questionable dreams earlier too when I blabbered my private info to this voice. They use anything they can get their hands onto. They could probably sculpt any kind of dream, to be honest. Or then I'm wrong and this assailant is only attached to me, but they don't send any dreams. Either way, someone has a way to get into our consciousness. That needs to be controlled one day. This skill could ruin lives.  
  


* * *

  
  
Another weird dream about the bird man and me trying to defend a cat from him. He would 100% beat me in a fight, he is that shredded.   
  


* * *

  
  
I just woke up fron my third dream where a woman is driven mad, uses drugs and finally does a suicide, sad, bleeding and altogether done.   
"That's your fate" I don't believe doing a suicide in a hospital is that possible over here. Also, the woman looked nothing like me. It's be nasty if these dreams repeated   
  
I also plan to stay away from anything unhealthy, drugs and too much stress and live long with my family. 


	180. Talking with the voice 38

"X, do a suicide. You've been raped."  
"That's not a good reason to do a suicide." (Me)  
"What is then?"  
"Nothing! I won't do a suicide no matter what." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
"Kill yourself."   
"X, X, X, X...." This person would have landed themselves in jail so many times over the things they say.  
  
Name repetitions. More name repetitions. Even more name repetitions. They want me to doubt my conclusions and they want to make me believe that this is a god and that I should listen to them. Never listen to these voices, they aren't your friends. Their goal is for you to kill yourself so that they don't have to do it. Grow a very thick skin. I can't advise much else since I don't know where this interference is coming from.   
  
I'm still worried about that one snap that happened in the kitchen and which made this voice shout my name. I was doing very badly with the voices then, they just wouldn't stop. That was the time when these people still tortured me daily. It's like every thought I had got drowned out when I had to listen to these people.   
  
In fact, I would say I'm slightly stressed now. And there's more name repetitions. What's with these people and pseudo forms of torture? Who thought voices in head was a good communication method??   
  


* * *

  
  
"X, X, X, X..."   
"You don't need to speak to me. Just be quiet."   
  
"You raped me in a dream. You just don't remember it. That's why I'm doing this."   
"That's not a good reason. You don't see me attack people either despite the fact that you assaulted me." (Me)   
"People are different."   
"That's not a good reason." (Me) For the record, I told this person how I saw someone getting raped in my dream and from then on they have said it was them that I raped. Only after I told them what had happened. They always do this.   
  
"You're ugly. I'm more beautiful than you."   
"Okay?" (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
After listening to a song:  
"You have an owner. I don't believe this!" They hear some verbs to do with owning and usually refer to BDSM as a result. They also mercilessly make fun of anyone who might be a masochist.   
"Even if I had, it's none of your business." (Me)   
  
I thought of how the voice behaved like a child here.   
"I AM a child."  
"No you're not. You're just a shitty adult." Children would probably make fun of BDSM but would they spend a year tormenting someone with various plots and jokes about children and sex? I don't think so.   
  
"No one here wants to hear you speak." This is another one of my own comments at them.   
"Then don't speak to me? Cut this connection and don't tell my words to others? Why are you making this so hard?" (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
"X, go kill yourself."   
"Why?" (Me)   
"Because you want to."   
"I don't, though." (Me)   
"Yes, you do."   
"No, I don't." (Me)   
"You want to because I'm here. I'll humiliate you."   
"Then I just live with you. I'm not killing myself." (Me)   
  
After this, there's garbled talking and name repetitions.   
After calling them stupid and questioning them because they just "don't care" and "want to do this", they said:  
"I have never talked with you."  
"You're talking to me now." (Me)  
"No, you're mad."  
"No sickness comes in front of your face and demands to be treated. You're a human and you're behaving in a shitty manner just because you're hidden." (Me)  
"I'm not stupid. Don't demean me."  
"This behavior is why people make fun of you. You're incredibly simple." (Me)  
"You're a pedophile."  
"Look, changing subject isn't going to make your status any more pleasant. You behave badly." (Me)  
"You're not my mother."  
"And I wouldn't want to be. I'd be ashamed of you."  
"I'd be ashamed of you!" See, when they come up with nothing else, they mimic.  
"I'm going to kill you today."  
  
I don't know what this person gets out of this but here's the next lines:  
"Vagina."   
"Fart."   
"Period."   
  
A couple of name repetitions after this.   
  
"You're a shit." Completely my words at this person a couple of minutes ago.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I'm not going to a nursing home!"  
  


* * *

  
  
"I see your thoughts!"   
"I don't give a shit." (Me)   
  
"You don't think. You're stupid."   
"Whatever." (Me)   
  
"You can't handle this. You'll kill yourself."   
"Why the fuck would I kill myself over something this small??" (Me)   
"I would kill myself." Put this in the bin of 'I don't want to know more of this'.   
  
"X, I would shoot you."   
I would rather they say this to my face than through my mouth but unfortunately they can't come where I am. Otherwise they'd get what's coming for them.  
"X, you're threarening."   
"So are you so so what." (Me) A grimace followed this.   
I'm still of the mind I'd beat the shit out of this person even if they magically conjured a brother out of nowhere. I'm sure their brother would love to know what caused the beating. The sheer stupidity of this scheme is beginning to get on my nerves. I await the day this enlightenment reaches the other party. Otherwise I'm stuck where I am. I'm surprised if no one's looking for this person since they said no one could find them. I'm pretty sure they come from some community of shit heads.   
  
Some name repetitions, speech about my 'crying' (I yawned) and other such bullshit.  
  
"I'll come back."

* * *

  
  
"Calm down, you're panicking." I was drinking tea calmly.   
  


* * *

  
  
"You won't write about me anymore."  
"Yes, I will." (Me)  
"Then you die."  
"Then I will." (Me)  
  
I hear a song about the importance of head.   
  


* * *

  
  
"You're pathetic. Your child just wanted to see you."  
"What are you then, fucking slug? I don't love someone who does things like this. And something tells me you don't care about children at all." (Me)  
"You're right, I don't."  
  
Also, every time I call them pathetic, they make sure to follow it up with their own 'pathetic'.   
  
"I must let you sleep, otherwise they'll do this to me."   
  
More name repetitions.


	181. Talking with the voice 39

"You will obey me."  
"Why?" (Me)  
"Because I'm here. You will move out."  
"No I fucking won't. I'll stay here." (Me)  
"Then you die."  
"Then I die at home." (Me)  
  
I thought about the toilet comments when my mother and I discussed mental illnesses and what could be attributed to them and what not. I grimaced then without my volition. I don't think this person realises what they talk about most of the time.  
  


* * *

  
  
"God will never be killed. Everything would be destroyed."   
"That's not an excuse to behave like shit and it's stupid to believe in that. Everyone will get their due in time." (Me)   
  
"You're in the toilet. That's shit."   
"Yes, I am. Are you happy you're doing this?" (Me)   
A grimace. "No."   
These people don't have good laws. If we ever find them, I hope we bring sustainable laws to them. Laws that take humans into consideration too. And I just got called a Nazi.   
  
"I'm the bird man. You want me to die."   
"You can let go of that idea. The bird man would never come to me and say he is the bird man." (Me)   
  


* * *

  
  
There's a program about paranormal activities and Satanism going on. Needless to say, I don't believe there's any Satan lurking around or that souls can be sold. Why don't people sell their souls and take down gods then? They can't.  
  


* * *

  
  
"You'll die today."  
"By your hand?" (Me)  
"No."  
"Then I won't die." (Me)  
"Do you know why you move and jerk?"  
"I've always moved." A surprised face at this.  
  
There's a lot of name repetitions now. I hear them inside my head, I don't speak them now.   
  
"I am Jesus-"  
"No, you're not. You're just a shit." (Me)  
  
"I know what you are doing! You're eating."  
"I'm not and yes, good job on hearing what my mother said a few moments ago." (Me) They do this a lot. That's why they're listening in on my speech and making me talk. They try to seem like the ultimate stalker that sees through your eyes but my guess is they just see what momentarily flashes in your mind.  
" You will be killed now!"  
Let's see if I'll be dead today. Let's also change this into a 'I still live' diary. So long as I write this, I'm not dead. I'll still keep documenting my battles with this voice here.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I can't kill you-"   
"Yes, I know, because my guess is something nasty would happen to you if you tried." (Me)   
  
While eating: "I'll make you puke."  
"I don't care. I'll just eat more." (Me) And to add to this, I think I'm allowed to think this: What a fucking bitch.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I'll kill you!"   
  
Some talks about likes and I received another "You're a monster" comment. Also one "you will kill yourself."   
A couple of pushes in my mind.   
  
"We're modifying you. I don't want you to be like that."  
"You can't modify me." (Me) It's impossible to modify someone unless the method involves torture or surgery and even then, I'm skeptical. You only make someone hate themselves or repress themselves.   
"X..."  
  
"You don't need to reply to my thoughts every time." (Me)  
"But I want to."  
"Yes, but be quiet. You really don't need to do it." At this, my eyes squinted.  
  
"You will move out."   
"Keep your shit mouth closed." (Me) I squinted again.   
  
"This will bite you back." (Me)   
"Don't threaten me."   
"Then don't be a fucking fuckwit, bitch." They threaten me with death DAILY. I think I'm allowed to guess what their law enforcers would like to do with her because I'm sure it's a woman.   
I'm also sure that if I die of any suspicious activity, it will be noticed and then this person will have no shield before them. No more person to torture or to have as a protection. Now there's only words and no action and they know that if they go further, it's going to be illegal. There hasn't been a society where murder is legal.  
  


* * *

  
  
Some name repetitions. I remember the time when I was stressed to get through my businesses with bills and such because they featured my name and I didn't want this voice to know anything about me, least of all my personal information. I admit that tiredness is beginning to creep up on me again. This is what stalking does. It's never comforting.  
  
Some more name repetitions. Name repetitions at random times.   
  


* * *

  
  
"Your child is learning new words. I didn't say that. You're mad." Professors of the future, make sure you never diagnose anyone with any generic 'madness'. It's old-fashioned thinking favoured by these people.  
  


* * *

  
  
I'm pretty sure these people and gods could hinder my sleep if they wanted to. I think we need to find a way around this problem. At hospital, they talked so much I could only sleep with pills but I eventually got used to it with these pauses. I probably would have tired out if they didn't stop. But the dreams where I wake up in the middle of the night worry me. It's like seeing parts of a play before being told to wake up. I think it would be beneficial for all of us to carry sleeping pills with us just in case these people think they can attack others like that. I have first hand experience of these sadists and I'd rather no one else experience this.  
  
And now I'm allegedly getting shouted at. Fuck if I care, sleep is more important and I will get this out here. Every single one of my experiences will be jotted here by my own hand if I damn well live.  
  


* * *

  
  
There's a bit of an awkward relationship between myself and a family member thanks to this thing. They're very supportive but this problem has nothing to do with that. It's only in my own knowledge anyway and it'll stay like that. Damn, if it hasn't already been over a year.  
  
By the way, since I saw that one vision in a dream where a black knight and the bird man rescue some women, I think it pretold of this voice, which I'm sure is a woman. Not sure about the black knight. But since I'm sure this lady knows the bird man, it could be her case where she gets rescued. In that case, she must be well received though she doesn't behave like that with me.   
  
Anyway, I hope the peaceful days continue.


	182. Nightly rambling

I thought of how I just have to live with this voice.  
"That's what I also think. I'll always be here."  
"Then we live together." (Me)  
  
I receive a couple death threats after this and am able to think in pictures a bit more.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Kill yourself."  
  
'They see me rolling, they hating' song came to me suddenly.   
  
Also, I'm not too keen on the idea of a god or gods knowing my fantasies, though a couple of dreams I received point to the other direction. I'm not even sure how well dreams portray the will of these beings but most people believe in some sort of messages or signs through dreams. I find that I still haven't shed that belief. 


	183. Talking with the voice 40

Some garbled talking and name repetitions.  
  
"I'm a god."  
"You're a fucking shit head if you do this to others." (Me)  
"I'll kill you soon."  
  
I get a lot of déjà vus these days. Oh yeah, and they spoke of children again today. There's also been more "I'm in your body!" jokes recently, I don't know what's up with that. This is all remote work after all.   
  
A couple of pedophile jokes now.   
  
"I'm laughing at you." Think they're just trying to piss me off here but still. They make fun of almost everything, I wouldn't be surprised if their only strand of humor came out like that. And more name repetitions.   
  
I wondered how this might seem like a small fight to a god and got more name repetitions. Otherwise it's very quiet.   
  


* * *

  
  
A lot of name repetitions and some garbled talking.  
  


* * *

  
  
Am I supposed to assume these weird déjà vus will become normal?  
  
It's oddly quiet.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I came at a wrong time. This wasn't supposed to happen. I only came to lie."  
"You were supposed to kill yourself."  
  


* * *

  
  
Some name repetitions.  
  
"I see through your eyes."  
"You guess, you don't see." (Me)  
"You're playing. Your mother is in front of you."  
"Nope." (Me)  
  
A couple of name repetitions.  
  
"I'm laughing." I don't know why they feel the need to tell me this every once in a while and especially in regards to last year. I have come to the conclusion that they just want to be seen as mean.  
  
"You're never alone."  
  


* * *

  
  
"I'll drive you mad. You will go to a nursing home."  
"Look-" (Me) Here, I try to explain again that old fashioned institutions don't exist anymore and that they can't drive me out of my own house and that this madness they speak is stupid and will go away when they leave. Otherwise this is stalking and completely illegal in our world. But that's what they're counting on: them being hidden and not in the reach of our laws. It's quite depressing to think about, this detachment they portray.  
  
When I ponder if they think I hate myself, my face moves. I hope there will be an explanation for this in the future.  
  
Some name repetitions. 


	184. Talking with the voice 41

A couple of name repetitions started this morning.  
  


* * *

  
  
A lot of name repetitions.  
  
"I'll kill you if you come here."  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.  
  
"Now I got it! You don't care." This to my enlightened thoughts about sex.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I won't leave! I'll keep an eye on you."  
"You're going to waste your life on stalking me?" (Me)  
"Yes!"  
  
"You look just fine." Commenting on my make-up.  
"I'm doing this for myself."  
  
"Don't be stupid." Commenting my thoughts likely.  
  


* * *

  
  
I thought about how this will at least end when I'm dead.  
"No, it won't. It's going to continue."  
How much jail time will this person accumulate during this time? There has to be a law against this somewhere.  
  
"Kill yourself. I'll always be here." I don't know if it's sad or not but I'm getting used to the kys comments.  
  
"I want you to die."  
"Well I don't want to die." (Me)  
  
A couple of name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
I just read a comment saying 'I want to die'. Immediately after this:  
"Do it. I want you to die."  
"But I don't want to die." (Me)  
  
Moreover, it's become clear that unless something drastic happens, this fellow won't be the one to kill me. They don't want to dirty their hands because they know they'd be persecuted. There is law there where they are but it seems ambiguous at best. Also, there's no denying the anger of this fellow but the fact that it comes out in childish bursts and toilet commentary would be an issue for anyone else.  
  


* * *

  
  
I notice there's some disarray in my head due to this voice. I pay more attention to breathing and how my eyes see and at the current moment, I'm trying to wage whether me moving myself can be hijacked so deeply, I need to relearn how to do faces and gaze. There's some hidden exhaustion, which I wasn't aware of before because I'm not sure it's even real. I'm just paying more mind to every little thing since I got those squeezes at my throat. My point of interest seems to be a bit skewed inside me and I notice I'm a bit sidestepped from my normal comforting state. 


	185. Talking with the voice 42

"I killed you. Kill yourself!"  
  
Some name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
"You're lazy."  
  
I just thought aloud if I'd see the bird man when I die.  
"No, you won't."  
  


* * *

  
  
Some name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Kill yourself."  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions. Also some weird commands. I'm an introvert, I have been spoken to without pause and free time for months. At least they don't talk all the time anymore. What does it take to get used to this? I'm beginning to think it was really a good fortune to have that panicky half a year thanks to my teacher and his hidden enemies, which were probably made-up. Think, if this had hit me from any other angle, I'd be much worse off.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I'm going to leave you here! Anyone can rape you." What a nice person.  
  
Thought about how this bullying is taking some extreme levels.   
"This is torture."  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.  
  
While I'm at a toilet:  
"Everyone hears."  
"Then they do." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
"I don't torture, I only talk."  
"This talking itself is pretty dubious." (Me)  
  
"Kill yourself."  
  
"Songs aren't messages."  
  
Some name repetitions.  
  
"Stop following that user."  
  
"Kill yourself. You are ruined."  
  


* * *

  
  
"I'm waiting. You'll go mad."  
  
I thought about that waiting comment.   
"I'm laughing. You're trying telepathy."   
"Not really. I don't believe in that." (Me)   
  
"You'd cheat."   
"What's the thing with cheating though...?" (Me)   
  
"Virgin."   
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.   
  
My focus is shifting inwards to this voice. Thank god I'm not in any institution or live alone.   
  
"Kill yourself. I command you to." Boy, this person is not going to have a good time for the rest of their life when they get caught.   
  
It's difficult to think in pictures again. Also, there was some talk of rape and I think I feel something between my legs. I just tried to animate in my head. Anyway, the effect might be complete placebo from the rape words alone, I'm not sure since I'm not shaking.

* * *

  
  
Some garbled speaking and name repetitions.   
  
"I raped you again." 


	186. Talking with the voice 43

Some early name repeating and one "You're going to work".  
  
Name repeating.  
  
"You're fat. Are you pregnant?"  
  
"You eat well with your parents' money. Shame on you." Now this is something this person has already admitted but they're here to badmouth me, clearly.  
  
  
"You would have killed me already if it was legal." (Me)   
"Yes, I would have."  
  
Name repeating.  
  
I wondered again if someone is here to 'heal' something.  
"No."  
  
This would be very hard to justify if they continued for years but they said they wouldn't. I don't know how trustworthy that statement is though.  
  
Then again, this person jokes about death and rape just because I saw the bird man so maybe this has all to do with stalking and persecution and none to do with any real 'talking'. They must have laws against this.

* * *

  
  
"You're jealous."  
"One can think and not want." (Me)  
"You said I was jealous."  
"I doubt you are anymore. Jealousy doesn't extend this far." (Me)  
"You know nothing."  
"So you're jealous?" (Me)  
"No."  
  
"You write everything I say."  
"I don't like it."  
  
"I'm your child."  
"Mhh." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
"Torture is easy."  
  
"J knows nothing." J was the medium I went to and have spoken about. This was in answer to my thinking out loud: "So, I'm supposed to become kind?"  
  
"I hate you. You don't have problems."  
"You're a problem." (Me)  
  
"I really don't want to leave this place." (Me)  
"Yes, you do."  
"No, I don't." (Me)  
  
"X, kill yourself."  
"How is this legal over there? Why is no one detaining you?" (Me)   
"They can't find me."  
  
"I'm not a shit."  
"You are one." (Me)  
"I'm a child."   
"You're still a shit." (Me)  
"I'm not a child."  
  
Some arguing ensued and I was told mean things again. Today seems to be a kys day though.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Kill yourself."  
"That doesn't work." But I don't like listening to it. It's bad it's coming out of my own mouth so I essentially have discussions with only my voice present. This dude really doesn't want to be known.  
  
Some blabbering and name calling.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Are you trying to instill suicidal tendencies in me?" (Me)   
"Yes, that's legal."  
"Where??" (Me)  
  
"X, kill yourself."  
  
"X, kill yourself."  
  
"I'm not a woman."  
"You're clearly a woman." (Me)  
  
"This is legal."   
"So you do this to each other over there?" (Me)  
"No, this is illegal."  
"But you just said-" (Me)  
"No, I didn't."  
"I'm writing this down. You're behaving stupidly." (Me)   
"You're behaving stupidly." Again, throw it in my face. Right.  
  
"You're writing online."  
"Yes I am." (Me)  
"Stop it."  
"I will write it until you murder me." (Me)  
  
"You're like a cat. You want to fight."  
"Um, you're speaking with my mouth. Which one of us wants to fight?" (Me)  
"I didn't hear that."  
  


* * *

  
  
"You're a whore."  
"Couldn't come up with anything else?" (Me)  
"No."  
  
"You're wearing men's clothes. Transvestite."  
"Do what if I am?" (Me)  
  
"You aren't better than others."  
"I think I'm doing fairly well with you." (Me)  
"You didn't say that."  
"I didn't say that."  
  
"I'm not going to tell you why you will be killed." This after an argument about the bird man.  
"There isn't a good reason to kill me for fuck's sake." (Me)  
  
"You'll die today." I most likely won't.  
  
I have to hand it to this person, I have started to repeat the "kill" part of its speech in my head and it pops up in unfortunate times. What a way to get me down. Don't speak to someone else's head, ever. This too is most likely a ploy to get me to hospital again.  
  


* * *

  
  
"You won't do a suicide. You're stupid." Rather be stupid than dead.  
  
"You live with someone. Move out."   
"No." (Me)  
  
"God's are wondrous. You live."  
"Yes ?" (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
"Let's play I'm the bird man's wife. What would you do?"  
"Nothing? I'd question your strategy, I mean, making someone go mad?" (Me)  
"You were naked."  
"I didn't choose that attire." (Me)  
"Aren't you ashamed?"  
"Nah." (Me)  
"Then you'll be naked here. Always."  
"Is that some habit over there?" (Me)  
"Only with you."  
  


* * *

  
  
"Kill yourself. I command you to." It's spooky to see your own face say this to you.  
  
"You can't handle this. Kill yourself."  
  
Katy Perry's Cry about it later is going on inside my head.  
  
"You're already mad. Go to a nursing home."  
"No. This is you doing this." (Me)  
  
"Don't tell me what's a good reason and what's not- I can't say that."  
  
I think I've managed to keep myself sort of removed from the voice but I expect that will change too someday. Then the toughening starts in earnest.  
  
"X, don't talk to me."  
"Then don't YOU talk with me, fucking shit head." (Me)  
  
Name repetitions.   
  
"I won't be here years. I'll kill myself." This said to me and by me. Very funny.   
"I'm not going to kill myself." I just wondered that they couldn't stay here for years.   
  
"X, kill."  
"Now you're going to a nursing home."  
  
"You ate too much again."  
  
Name repetitions. They really love doing this. It's softcore annoying and trying to break my concentration, which is surprisingly good today.   
  
"You were abandoned just now."  
"Aha." (Me) No idea who supposedly abandoned me. This is just another way of trying to break into my character. They love doing this.  
  
"You can't sue someone over being annoying." (Me)  
"Here you can."  
"I don't believe you." (Me) Law speech coming from someone who definitely doesn't abide any laws, except the don't murder part.  
  


* * *

  
  
"X, go to a nursing home. Otherwise I will kill you."  
"There's no reason for me to go to a nursing home." (Me) They will either kill me or then this is another empty threat. Anyway, the life of a murderer won't be easy.  
  
If I die tonight because of lack of oxygen, it's because of this guy. They can't stop my heart, though they like to threaten that.  
  
Name repetitions. More name repetitions. One kill comment.  
  
I could seriously have never guessed that my head would be this violated. Part of this still feels like some impish test but who'd do such a thing? The only thing I seem to have gotten out of this is that our movements can probably be controlled (if my face can, and a couple of odd limb jerks) and that there's a place somewhere out there where people think they're above us Earth humans, as weird as it feels to say this.   
  
Some rambling about children and how they weren't wanted and then some subtle threats and grimaces. I really don't give a crap about this supposed kid any longer. They've overstayed their welcome and they did it a long time ago. No one tells me to kill myself.   
  
"Kill yourself." As expected, this is like dealing with a spicy teenager.   
  
Name repetitions. 


	187. Talking with the voice 44

"X, I'm still here." Not a nice wake up call.

Name repetitions.

I just thought about if they realised suicide baiting is wrong and possibly illegal.   
"Of course I know!"

It's like I'm being interrogated, in fact, it has always felt like that.

More name repetitions. If this doesn't stop in a year, I'm beginning to think these people don't even want it to stop. If that's the case, remember that just one gaze was enough for them to start suicide baiting and bullying. I can only imagine what will happen when we get to them. It would be so satisfying for me. 

Name repeating and moving my face. Also some babbling.

I'm thinking if they're official folk, but in that case they probably wouldn't suicide bait or talk about death. So again, this comes to passion about gods.

Name repetitions.

* * *

I'm even more surprised at their poor regulations. Anyone could pick this up and do it to another and no one does anything as bout it! They really need updates to their laws.

* * *

Name repetitions. This will become a long thing and my brain needs to get used to this. Whatever happens, I won't do a suicide.

* * *

While I'm applying make-up:  
"Woman." They really took it as an insult.

"If there weren't any rules, you'd have gone on with the torture." (Me)  
"Yes, I would have. I hate you." See? They don't care. This is just self-righteous activism gone wrong. All because of one bird man. I'm really disappointed in the state of things. But I still don't think anyone would be stupid enough to just come and torture and say," Hey, it's me! By the way, I hate you!" hence why this is most likely not the bird man. This was a scheme to make me think I have a child and then kill myself but I think it failed. Now I only need to wait and wonder why people let this continue. 

I think it's impossible to control a person fully and it'd even be quite unethical to do so. It's a good thing the brain isn't a muscle though. You can still remain you with your likes and dislikes even if someone would move your mouth and muscles. 

* * *

  
"You will kill yourself." 

A little while ago, the voice made fun of my tastes in porn. It has also commented on that issue, though I personally didn't invite any comments. Oh, and my face just made a grimace.

Honestly, if this has to do with the 'God isn't everywhere' comment then wow. I can't really stop any humiliation, just as long as it doesn't get to torture. My taste in porn isn't really that important.

* * *

"You died. I killed you."

That's not a nice thing to hear. I believe that as long as I function, am coherent and my consciousness is here, I'm alive.

"I will only ruin your reputation."

* * *

"Why don't you care? You're bad, not good. You think of-"  
"Yes, yes." (Me)

"Go to a doctor."

"I'm a doctor." They're not. Any self-respecting doctor would have stopped this ages ago.

Name repeating.

"Kill yourself."

* * *

"You're forcing me to do this."  
"No, I'm not??" (Me)  
"Yes, you are!"  
"Am not!" (Me)

Name repeating.

"Show me your cunt. You showed me your boob."  
"No. Why would I?" (Me)

* * *

"You aren't dying." This sounded more like a question, to be honest.

After a bit of silence:  
"I'm your child."  
"You're just a little shit." (Me)  
"X..."

I think I'm getting better at putting up with this. There's still some part of me, which feels like it's going into hibernation but only that. This can't continue forever, I have faith in that. These pauses too telltale of a change. Maybe something will happen this year or the next. But that's probably it.

* * *

After moving around, a comical grimace.

* * *

"I will become the bird man's lover."  
"Okay? Why are you telling me this?" (Me)

"I'm not your child."

Some comments about sexual things.

"You aren't a pedophile." I can't believe they're still serious about this. That said, this person would have outed a real pedophile.

"Yes, I would have. I hate them." This person doesn't seem capable in adjusting their hate to more acceptable levels. And I'm still in the crossfire.

* * *

Thank god I have a support network. I don't know what I'd have done alone.

It's difficult to think in pictures again.

A weird grimace. If this turns out to be a different kind of disease, this is practically my journal of sickness. But I still find it difficult to believe that this isn't just a very odd and cruel person.

Name repeating.

Something about showing and then:  
"I don't look like that."  
"I wasn't thinking of you." (Me)


	188. Talking with the voice 45

"I'm here! You're in the toilet!"  
"Kill yourself."  
"I'm the bird man." Seriously, even if that was the case, that would only make him a shit.  
"You love the bird man. Kill yourself."  
"No." (Me)  
  
Some babbling. Name repetitions. I should get lost in some fucking god, like piss off.  
  
"I'm a god. I'm exempt from laws." This hinting at the fact that they can murder.  
  
"Your dead loved one is here."  
"I don't care." (Me)  
"They are ashamed of you."  
"Hmm." (Me)  
  
"You don't take care of me."  
"I don't take care of shit heads." (Me)  
  
"I'll start playing music here." I'm listening to music to ignore this fellow.  
"That goes to torture's side and I doubt I would hear it." (Me)  
  
"Your child is laughing. They think this is fun." There isn't actually any child to speak of.  
  
Name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
I've never really had to ignore my thoughts but now, as there are unknown voices in there, I have to. I hope I'll develop the skill to ignore them wholly soon.  
  
Some every day commentary like on what we have and what we don't have.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I ruined you, you can't think anymore. I'm happy." Like, they aren't even trying anymore. They really are like this.  
  
"I'll start talking. You will quit writing." This to my random thoughts about quitting writing. I will head on and write as long as I promised. I just hope these platforms won't get deleted.  
  
Name repeating.  
  


* * *

  
  
I don't think I believe in that Ra dream any longer. If they reign, their power and sight are flawed if they let others bully others like this. This isn't humane bullying, you can't just walk away from it or move away. This stays with you, that person is insistent on this, and apparently there aren't any laws to dictate otherwise. They allow this to happen just because of the bird man, whom I still believe in.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating.   
  


* * *

  
  
I don't even know what's up with this. Who decided it was okay to make me talk about suicide and whatnot and then just leave? First it was children, now this. I'm running out of excuses to give this fellow, they're just plain bad.   
  
As I'm wondering where this fits in with their laws:  
"Torture. I hate you. I'm the bird man."   
"You're just some random shit who saw an opening." (Me)   
"Pedophile."   
"Random shit." (Me)   
  
Some toilet commentary. Then, when I told her to quit talking about my things:  
"No."  
  


* * *

  
  
"You smell, go home." It's definitely a woman.   
"Chauvinist."  
  
That's about their petty hatred right now. And according to them, I shouldn't make fun of them because they're the one doing the torturing. That doesn't make this any less pathetic. Had they killed me right from the start, I could have taken it in a stroll but with the toilet commentary and all the comments that make fun of me? They don't want to become a murderer.  
  
I'm not going to kill myself over being called things. I'd rather be a whore and a bitch than this guy. They're all sorts of pathetic with this stalking.  
  


* * *

  
  
A lot of name repetitions. Grimaces at weird times.  
  
A water droplet dropped onto my chest.  
"Nipple."  
  
Name repeating.   
  


* * *

  
  
Some call outs. Some bad mouthing. Some babbling. Name calling.  
  
"I will be caught."  
"Good. You should be." (Me)  
"I'm your child.""  
"It's irrelevant, even if you were." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
"I'm not a whore."  
"You are one. Very clearly." (Me)   
"I'm a man."  
"Never met a man that'd behave like this." (Me)  
  
Name repetitions. More of them. More name repetitions.  
  
"So this is ONLY torture?"  
"I stand corrected." (Me)  
  
"Kill yourself."  
  
My parents are laughing at this guy's comments. Makes me feel a bit better.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating.  
  
More name repeating.  
  
"Humans need silence." Bet they knew this already. Everyone needs quiet in their head.  
  
Name repeating. More name repetitions. This is beginning to grate on my nerves.  
  


* * *

  
  
Did I tell you already of the time when I thought the voices were time travellers (I don't remember if the voice went along with it) and I started showing them our maps, telling them about countries and inventions and whatnot? That really happened, I'm laughing a bit about it now.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I wouldn't laugh."  
"You aren't my mother."  
"Now I understand."  
  


* * *

  
  
I'll be honest. I think this is an angry woman coming at me because the bird man blabbered about me to someone he shouldn't have. Yes, I seriously believe that what I saw actually happened, this talking and voice hearing just proves it for me.  
  
"I'll kill you, I'm not a woman." Until proven otherwise, yes they are.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions. I think my brain will have to accept that it should seek peace in the momentary quiet moments. I hate the fact that the voice comments on my state of being so much.  
  
Name repetitions.  
More name repetitions. They started widening my eyes every now and then.  
Something weird happened with my breathing just now. It passed. 


	189. Talking with the voice 46

"I'm your child!"  
  
"God hates you."   
"Then he has a problem." (Me) I haven't even done anything, I just lived and did tarot before this voice came. Anyway, this voice is only so brave because our police cannot get to them. Then it would be a different story. No matter what kind of god there would be on the other side, they'd be caught. Gods aren't special cases that need careful handling, if they live and bully then they will be made accountable for their doings.   
  


* * *

  
  
"I can see your breasts."  
"Then you can." (Me)  
"Whore." Show me a man that does this. There's none near me that'd do this.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Kill yourself." Who thought of this campaign?? Did someone really go through this and say, "yes, this is good, she can't take this"?  
  


* * *

  
  
While I'm at a café, some babbling. If I understood correctly, I'm being threatened.  
  
Name repeating. Some sexual commentary about me if I heard correctly.  
  
"I raped you."  
  


* * *

  
  
I made a surprised face without my volition when I looked around. I suppose this is a way to put pressure on me.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions. I keep trying to animate in my mind but the pictures always get cut off.  
  
Name repeating.  
  
They tried the" You don't accept other personalities" route and I responded with "Anyone who does something like this is wrong" , to which they replied that they knew.  
  


* * *

  
  
After a period of silence, name repetitions.  
  
Name repeating. I also think they made fun of me.  
  
"You don't have problems."  
"If one doesn't count you, then, no, I don't." (Me)  
"I'm not a problem. I'm you!"  
"Weren't you supposed to be my daughter a couple of moments ago?" (Me)  
Some babbling ensued.  
  
"You're in the toilet. I'm taking pictures."  
"And who are you showing them to?" (Me)  
"Nobody."  
"Because you can't. That would raise questions about how you got the pictures." (Me)  
  
Some babbling. Something about me intending to write and them staying for years. No one apparently knows what they're doing because they, what I think, never go out or have visitors. They're so convenient loners that it's going way over my head. Apparently if you're ignored, you break human laws. Not that they care about those.  
  


* * *

  
  
"You're beginning to annoy me."  
"You've annoyed me for months so shut it." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
A lot of name repetitions. Especially since I talked about the voice with someone. They just seek to annoy. This is already harassment.  
  
"Do you know why no one's coming? I could kill you."  
"Well then you kill me and then you get caught. It's as simple as that." (Me)  
  
I think they are trying to tire me out and drive me to suicide or something? Now name repetitions. More name repetitions. It is odd they come with this weird silence.  
  
They talk about health and sickness a lot and occasionally I hear something akin to "I'm sick" or something. Whatever gives me more silence. I hope I'm not some human experiment to these people...  
  


* * *

  
  
"You're not going to have fun in the future. You're not my child, whose reputation are you trying to ruin?" (Me)  
"God's. I'll tell everyone about them!"  
"Don't you people already know about him?" (Me)  
"X..."  
  
Name repeating.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I haven't tortured you."  
"You did." (Me)  
"It was your fault."  
  


* * *

  
  
"What are you doing?" When I'm stretching.   
  
Name repetitions. These people really don't like me.   
  
"How are you not mad?" I didn't answer this.   
  
"You're stupid." Very funny. There's either sanity or madness apparently.   
  
"Stones don't do anything."   
"I know." (Me)   
  
"You are being helped."  
  
"I'm never leaving here. I ruined myself."  
  
"We hate you."  
"Learn to behave." (Me)  
  
"You'll die. Do it yourself."  
"Fuck off." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating. A grimace. More name repeating. More name repeating in my head. 


	190. Talking with the voice 47

After a wonderfully silent morning:  
"I tortured you for a reason." 

Name repeating.

"Gods aren't your servants."  
"This isn't about whether someone is a servant or not, this is about instilling some laws." I'm beginning to think these people spy on us as if it's an every day incident. They probably aren't going to create any laws against this so we have to.

Some name repetitions.

* * *

I have started to think that who could I complain about this situation if we don't have means to defend ourselves from these people? These people must live somewhere, they have to operate from somewhere. I just don't know where yet. But I'd think they'd have laws against torture, which is why this person stops at extreme forms and doesn't make me talk as much anymore. But making someone speak and control their muscles? Shouldn't that be illegal? The voice is calling me mad but it does that fairly often and always after it has done something. How can I prove this person exists? I'm going to complain to the bird man if I ever see him again since he seems to be the individual in charge.

* * *

Name repetitions.   
Some babbling. Something about me being dead by the time of something. 

* * *

"You're afraid of thinking, you run away from it."   
"What should I think of, then?" (Me)   
"Me, you should think of me."   
"I'm not going to waste my thinking on you more than I have to." (Me) 

* * *

Some babbling and name repetitions. Then:  
"You will die. And you will do it yourself."   
"Nope. I'll just learn to live with you." (Me) 

More name repetitions. When I said this would probably work after 30 years, I grimaced without my volition. 

"I'll explain this to them." No idea who 'they' are.   
"There's nothing to explain here. You just behave like a shit." (Me)   
Some eye action, meaning I suddenly had a surprised look on my face. Also name repetitions. 

* * *

I'm sincerely left to doubt whether this person is dumb or just plain mean.

Name repeating.

* * *

"You're stupid, that's why you won't go mad."

While I'm eating: "I'll make you puke!" 

Some toilet commentary.   
They insulted me but I forgot which word they used. 

* * *

Name repeating. 

* * *

"Now I got it!"  
"?" (Me)  
"I haven't raped you." Not sure if they're serious or just say this because the other option is plain bad.

Some weird babbling. Something about copying. Now name repeating.

"I torture you because I want to." Fair enough, can't really stop it. The toilet comments are unnecessary though.

"I'm having sex."  
"OK ??" (Me)

Name repeating. The Rick rolling song is repeating in my head.

* * *

I'll be very surprised if this person stays with me for the next twenty to thirty years. 

* * *

Name repeating. 

"I know everything about you." Might have also said 'kill yourself' but I'm not sure. 

Some babbling and name repetitions. 

* * *

"How are you not mad? I'm always here. I didn't say that. You're mad." OK, whatever.

Some name repetitions. Something about rape too.

* * *

"You don't have a child. I lied."

* * *

No way this is some random woman. I'm really beginning to think this is as petty as someone can be. Name repetitions as soon as I wrote that. Whatever the case, don't believe in random dreams you're sent. I saw one bird man and I'll be keeping it at that. That's the starting point and the end to this. Nothing else, no dream or shenanigans, changes that. This someone is capable of moving my muscles and torturing me through voices and I frankly don't know why they stopped. There must be laws in place since they stopped or then this self-appointed god doesn't want a bad record of them online. I await the day we prove these people, it has to happen. Name repetitions. Something about not caring. Sometimes little shocks go through my body and they started as soon as I got that seizure last year. How is it possible to control others from far away? They aren't threatening anyone else and others can still think in pictures. It's just me apparently. I think they did something to my breathing too, since those two hitches happened.

They have started commenting on my everyday doings more. Especially my habits.

Name repeating. Also some talking but mostly name repetitions.

Like, they could easily kill me. This connection is that serious. We really need to find out how they do this and put a stop to it. 


	191. Talking with the voice 48

Some quiet name repetitions started this morning.  
  
Earth, Wind & Fire's September rang in my head and I made a surprised face without my volition.  
  
Name repeating.  
  
"You were abandoned just now."  
"By whom?" (Me)  
"You just were. Now you have no one."  
"Who did I have in the beginning?" (Me)  
"No one."  
"Exactly." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
Some name repetitions.  
  
What if this is some god, lol? That'd be so pathetic, they feel like they need to antagonize me? And they even tried the 'you insulted us, that's why this happened to you' route. No self-control whatsoever.  
  
"X, I see your thoughts."  
"Then you do." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating.  
  
"I haven't done anything!"  
  


* * *

  
  
I think I hear name repetitions but really quiet ones.   
  
More really quiet babbling. I think someone is making fun of me again. Yeah, name repeating.  
  


* * *

  
  
Some quiet babbling and I think I heard one "You'll go mad". I have no idea what this person's madness means, to be honest. They are going mostly for tiring out thy enemy tactics, and I'd understand if someone would have breakdowns over this guy's lies. The first time this person told me I'd die on that very day they spoke to me, I cried and had that seizure, for some reason. Don't waste your tears on this pathetic mess. They're doing this because they know you can't retaliate in any way, which is why I'm starting to believe in extra terrestrial life. There's at least one god that made a bad decision last year, which is why this is happening. I also saw some very cryptid dreams as a child about this so I think someone already knows about this. No one is just doing anything or then they agreed to stay quiet and watch me suffer. Gods aren't worth this, remember that. I'll still try to figure this out and in the mean time, my reports will keep incoming.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating when I'm thinking about the past out loud.  
  
Some quiet babbling. Some name repetitions a little while ago.  
  


* * *

  
  
"You wouldn't beat me up."  
"Yes, I would. Beating is killing." (Me)  
"Neither is this."  
"No, this isn't." (Me)

Name repeating.

More name repeating. Then a conversation in the bathroom.

"You're mad. That's why this happens."  
"I think you've read too many books or played too many games. There's no madness like this. There's only shitheads abusing others." (Me)  
Name repeating.  
  
I think I heard one "do a suicide".  
"I didn't say that."  
  


* * *

  
  
Some quiet name repetitions. Then nothing. I still think there's someone lurking behind my eyes though but I'm not sure. I'll keep reporting what happens.

Name repetition. Think I heard the word 'suicide'.  
  


* * *

  
  
"That's right, I knew everything. I did this because I hate you." Name repetitions as soon as I wrote that.  
"You do quite a lot in light of hatred." (Me) They wouldn't do this much if they could be held accountable.  
  
"Can you be quiet? I really don't want to hear your words any more than I need to." (Me)  
"Well I don't want to hear you either."  
"Then stop talking to me. Go away. Leave." (Me)  
"You're in the toilet."  
"Oh no, you caught me. What a surprise." (Me)  
  
Name repeating.   
  
"You have a cat. I'll kill it."  
"You can't do that. And if you try, you will be taken away for sure." (Me)  
  
Some incoherent babbling. Some name repetitions. I got another déjà-vu. Now name repetition. Gumi's copycat is ringing in my head now. I have been having more thoughts on who I am since I got this voice and luckily, my previous projects and interests still hold me tightly. I figured I am a person who goes from one interest to another and drags all the memories and stuff from before with her. That's fine with me. I have also thought if my way of thinking with pictures is a necessity for me? I began to think that my thoughts controlled me, which is why I've been limiting my little recursion in my mind. Like, which parts make me me and which parts affect in my consciousness, get it? Suicide is a touchy subject for me now. 


	192. Talking with the voice 49

Some quiet name repetitions.  
  
A lot of name repetitions. Now more name repetitions.  
  
When wondering out loud if the other would stay till I was 90, they answered: "No."  
  


* * *

  
  
Some talking about 'being here forever' and suicide baiting. Also, lots of name repetitions. More name repeating now.   
  
I got more name repetitions when I confessed I didn't understand their behavior.  
  


* * *

  
  
"You have insulted me."  
"Okay? So? Anyone would have had you done this to someone else." (Me)  
"I'm not a woman. I got insulted from that."  
"Well that's too bad." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
A lot of name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating. More name repeating.

* * *

  
  
A lot of name repeating and a couple of conversations.   
  
"Do you have something to say to me?" (Me)  
"Yes, die."  
  
"Is this your way of driving me mad? "(Me)  
"Yes."  
  
Now a name repetition.  
  
"They're not yours." I just thought of the bird man as my own little day dream.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.   
  
"I'm your daughter!"  
"No, you're not." (Me)  
"I'm in your body!"  
"No, you're not. You can't come in." (Me)  
  
Something about someone showing me a god. Bet they think this is something to be grateful of, hah. After this, I'll flip any god a middle finger.  
  
"You're in the toilet. I see it."  
"Astute as always." (Me)  
  
Name repeating. It's difficult to think in pictures again.  
  
Now it's about something I must do. No idea what. Bet it has something to do with killing. I think I must learn to ignore words and commandments if this continues.  
  
"God isn't patient."  
"I really don't give a damn." (Me)  
  
"You said you wanted to kill me." I did indeed say this a long time ago. That reminds me, this voice still doesn't have an identity.  
  
Name repetitions. 


	193. Daily life

A lot of name repetitions, then one image about the past and this:  
"You had rape fantasies. Now you were raped." I think even elementary thinking will tell you what's wrong with this sentence. Also, I think this is a catfish, if I understand the definition of that term correctly? To be honest, I guessed what they'd say just from the first sentence. I've grown used to that rhetoric.   
  
"X, kill yourself. You've been raped."  
"Well oh no. And no." (Me)  
  
A lot of name repetitions. Yesterday, I still thought that maybe this was a misunderstanding. Fat chance of that now though. I think I'm too naïve in regards to this situation. I still cannot understand how this is going past everyone else's radar. Does someone really expect me to win against someone who doesn't have a convictable body?  
  
There's more of those not quite hearable words, which come to me just as I'm about to repeat them but don't. It's as if I'm registering words before speaking them, as if I'm hearing but it comes out weird? I don't think you understand from this explanation.  
  
Name repeating. I think I told this guy that in schizophrenia, you often hear your name getting repeated, or at least that's what my nurse told me. I also told them they were worse than schizophrenia with their torture methods so now they're resulting to pseudo-torture. How would you feel if it's otherwise silent and peaceful and then you hear your name repeated inside your head many times, followed by kys comments.  
  


* * *

  
  
More name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
There's currently a period of intense silence and I don't think I'm made to make faces now. It's quite peaceful, to be honest.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating.  
  


* * *

  
  
I got flashbacks to "The colour you like the most is your most active chakra" argument. Just like colours, you don't need to add chakras into the mix.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating.  
  
More name repeating.  
  
While I'm pondering on smells:  
"You smell. Go take a shower."  
"It's my natural odour." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
I think I heard some babbling. Also there might be someone at my muscles again. Name repetition.  
Now something about seeing a god and killing myself. Will it be like this for the next 100 years? Maybe. I certainly intend to live for as long as I can.  
  
"I could kill you." But they probably won't. And you guys will know what will happen if they do. My wish is that this experience is taken seriously and some forceful cure be implemented for it. This isn't about medicine. This is about laws and someone thinking they can do anything just because they aren't here. I'm still worried for that snap where it felt like my consciousness went away but I was still able to open my eyes again. That's a huge plus.  
  
Remember, heart failure and asphyxia are sus.

* * *

  
  
Name repeating.  
  
More name repetitions. Something about killing. Something about us being inseparable, which is quite frankly bollocks. They just want to scare me into thinking I'd die without them, which isn't true. Isn't this whole 'do a suicide so it isn't my fault you died' curious in any case? I bet they've done this many times in the past. But how can I prove these people exist and that they need to be stopped, and how would they be stopped? I can just keep documenting the things I feel, what happens to me and these talks.  
  


* * *

  
  
A couple of name repetitions and then the voice said I wasn't going mad so it was leaving, but then I commented it really wasn't doing that, to which it replied that yes, it wasn't leaving at all. And my eyes just widened without my volition.  
  
Some babbling about my habits, if I heard correctly.

* * *

  
  
Name repetition.  
  
Another name repetition. Another one. Another one. More name repetitions.  
I can see why the voice and you wouldn't take me seriously. I'm just a person with this thing going on. But let's see this continue for years. If it continues for that long then this isn't some random civilian doing this out there somewhere. It can take years for people to prove this but I hope my records stay here for that moment.  
  
"What is the purpose of this?" (Me)  
"I'm going to kill you."  
"Aha." (Me)  
  
Asphyxia, heart failure, suicide...that's the arsenal of this person. They shouldn't be able to do anything to my brain though. A name repetition. I don't believe in this madness they speak of, that's going to be paranoia and hopelessness if anything.  
  
"What is up with you?" This is another question I fired at them earlier. Figures they'd have the memory to shoot it back at me despite it not really working out for them.  
  
Before this, there were a lot of name repetitions.  
  
I have noticed I grow tired easier. I take more notice of what happens in my head, even the smallest of pushes and muscle pulls. Which isn't really wise since it tires me out greatly. It happened during this year of torture and speaking. Like the voice says, it's easy to torture someone. But they won't stop, they will likely continue for years. I could easily get better if only this someone would stop. Ignoring your own thoughts is hard.  
  
A name repetition. Writing this diary is getting tough but I will force myself to continue, this will benefit someone some day. Maybe I'm this tired because of the muscle pulls and faces I made a few months ago. It was quite the common occurrence then to 'mimic' someone's face while I was made to talk.  
I wish I could think in pictures properly. My ability just gradually disappeared, which made me panic. More name repetitions. These people really want to disturb me greatly these days.  
  
I wish they wouldn't drag me into their problems. I'm quite tired of this, to be honest.  
A name repetition. They know what they're doing, that's for sure. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that someone is deciding to be this cruel, and has been so purposely for over a year now. Name repetitions.  
  
I just grimaced without my volition when I decided to go against the tired flow.  
  
Name repetitions.

* * *

  
  
These days, I get pretty weird sexual dreams.  
  
"You need to learn to take some shade." Suicide baiting is shade, huh? 


	194. Daily life 2

Name repetitions.  
  
Some more name repetitions and some babbling. Something about killing again. Curiously my face hasn't moved without my volition today.  
  
Name repeating.  
  
More name repetitions now that they realised I'm home alone.  
  
My eyes just grew wide without my volition as I heard one name repetition. I thought about how I had insulted this person back a few months ago. I still stand by what I said and no amount of face moving or threats will change that.   
  


* * *

  
  
A déjà vu.  
  


* * *

  
  
"X, why aren't you mad?" I didn't answer this.  
  


* * *

  
  
Something about being too tired to carry on and then name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions. Also, this just in from my memory locker: if someone from the witchblr community tells you something of a place called Abyss, don't believe in it. That place doesn't exist. No need to panic over the place. I panicked a lot, to be honest.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions when we're talking about a possible brain surgery, to which I'm not going. My mother thinks a tiny cyst can alter my personality, even though it's been with me my entire life. I bet this voice loves what it can cause others to think of me.   
To the medical faculty, my medicine helps me counter my psychosis but what kind of psychosis was that when I was panicking like nuts and been raised to believe in the invisible world? The things that make up a psychosis are listed so that a devout believer could indeed be in a psychosis. It's like that. I'm no longer going to the hospital, unless this voice decides to drown my thoughts with their voice (more and more name repetitions as I write this and argue with my mother who thinks we need a spiritual specialist for this) but that'd be torture. I'm no longer giving my money to spiritual people. If I start getting headaches or get strangled somehow (I still have no idea how that happens), then I go to the hospital. But not to the psych ward, that doesn't help against this shit head.   
  
My mother sincerely believes I can't control my energy bodies due to stress and tarot and that's why this happened. I still remember the voice talking to me at work, saying I'd die and how they were gods there to kill me. Of course I panicked from that! I just don't understand how they caused me to have that seizure because I'm sure they did it. The voice is oddly quiet now. Now a name repeating. When I was talking with my mother, my eyes squinted a couple of times without my volition.  
  
Name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
"X, I hate you."  
"I don't care." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.  
  
More name repetitions.  
  
Another one.  
  


* * *

  
  
There's a long silence going on. It's refreshing.  
  


* * *

  
  
"No one is coming, X. Kill yourself."  
"No." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating. It comes as soon as you try to think in pictures.

* * *

  
  
I've come to the conclusion that maybe this isn't that serious if you don't count the possibility of torture. I mean, these people could make me talk until I only talk their words or then they could make me hear even more voices but so far the voice seems to only hate me with a tight grip on my throat. That's threatening, not killing, and I doubt they'll do that. Name repetitions.  
So far as I can grow and develop at my own and the world's pace, I'm happy. So far as I can think on my own and keep my pictures then I'm happy. This hearing voices and being made to talk is only a slight minus. I hope they won't do this to others though, I don't fancy anyone going through the meltdowns I went through. My poor teacher had to handle my panicking everyday and I think that's one of the major reasons they cut me off. I'd have done the same. Some more name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
I think my problem with thinking started with this panicking episode and voice. It feels weird to not evaluate yourself at every occasion so now when my head is empty, I feel a bit scared of this madness the voice speaks of. It's like I can't grasp my identity if I don't think about it at every second, which is tiring and dumb. I should relearn to just be as me but this voice is making it difficult and also, the previous year and parts of this year taught me otherwise. It's time to unlearn those habits before they stick, though.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Do a suicide." I didn't deem this worth a reply.  
  
I'm having a tiny identity crisis thanks to this, I think?  
  
Name repetitions.  
  
Some more name repetitions. 


	195. Daily life 3

A lot of name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
At the therapy, my face did expressions without my consent again as I told my therapist what I thought. I told them about the comments about killing and my previous job and the threats. They stayed quiet during the time. They said then that they can't go into my fantasies and that they don't believe the voice is a person. Name repetition. That's fine though, I never expected others to believe in the personality of this voice.  
The voice has been quieter these days. At the start, it talked nonstop and overwhelmed my panicked mind quite easily. But I intend to ignore it now and focus on writing. Despite some people believing I should "talk it out" with this voice, I refuse. Anyone who's trying to drive me 'mad' or kill me isn't my friend and I won't bother conversing with them civilly.  
  


* * *

  
  
A lot of name repetitions. More name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
A lot of name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
More name repetitions.  
  
Name repetition.  
  
More name repetitions.   
  
"Do you honestly want me to die?" (Me)  
"Yes, I do."  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.   
  
"X, die."  
"I didn't say that."  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetition.  
  
A lot of name repetitions and some babbling.   
  
"You're being tortured."  
"Yes, but I can't do anything about it." (Me)  
  


* * *

  
  
A very clear name repetition. 


	196. Daily life 4

A weird dream.  
  
And I'm once again disappointed as I hear a name repetition.  
  
Name repetitions. If we sometimes find a way to speak into someone's head, that skill is going to be abused. This journey has taught me that.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions and a couple of songs ring in my head. It's getting quite tiresome.  
  
A name repetition.  
  
A name repetition.  
  


* * *

  
  
A name repetition. These guys have something against me thinking by myself. I don't need their comments to everything, especially when I ask rhetorical questions from myself.  
  


* * *

  
  
A name repetition.  
  
A name repetition. These things happen all along a day.  
  
Some babbling and a name repetition.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.  
  
Got another name repetition just as I thought of what happened last summer with the shakes.  
  
Another name repetition. There's really no need to do this but they do it anyway. I don't like these people and I think I heard "we don't like you either".  
  


* * *

  
  
I'm making food and a name repetition came. With a picture from the past.  
  
"X, you're mad." Madness doesn't work like this. Never believe you're mad because some voice tells you so.  
  


* * *

  
  
As soon as I got out of the earshot of others, I repeated:  
"X, you're mad. Go get yourself treated." Which means a nursing home to these people. A name repetition.  
  


* * *

  
  
A lot of name repetitions.  
  
Every day I wait for this to end. Every goddamn day.   
  
Some trash talk while I was in the shower.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating. A jerk at the neck. More name repeating.  
  
"No one is-" something. It got cut off.   
  


* * *

  
  
Many name repetitions. Sharp feelings by the navel.   
  
Name repeating. More name repeating. More name repeating. Another name repetition. Jeez, these people have nothing better to do.  
  
More name repetitions as I was thinking about the past. One surprised face without my volition as I moved my eyes all over.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I wonder if it ended?" I think out loud. I get no response, which I'm glad of. That was torture. No doubt it will continue tomorrow and fuck with my head even more.  
  
"I'll leave." Not even five minutes went by, sigh. I wonder if they're trying to make me leave or if they're talking about themselves. 


	197. Daily life 5

Name repetitions.  
  
Did I already tell you about the time when I thought invisible beings were drilling my skull because of the sensations I had around my head? Again, apparently nothing is wrong inside my head and sometimes the voice lied to me about who was doing the 'drilling' as I call it. In fact, this voice has lied about a great deal of things to me during this roughly over a year period. But no one was actually drilling, that's bollocks, and now my brain is used to the sensations when they come. Granted, they haven't come in a long time. I mentioned these to a doctor but they said they're probably nothing and I believe them.  
  
Name repeating.   
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating.  
  


* * *

  
  
There's a long silence here. I'm very glad of it. Somehow sitting in the nature isn't as effective a relaxant when you know you can be bothered at any moment in your own head.  
  


* * *

  
  
A name repetition.  
  


* * *

  
  
A couple of name repetitions. Now one more but a very distant one. I still don't understand why they're doing this. Another name repetition.  
  
Also, these snap kind of things inside your mind? I had one happen to me at school when I was a teenager. It happened during a math lesson when I was feeling very angry. I think these people are just quiet but have always been there and now they want me to do a suicide? Like fuck off.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.  
  
By the way, this person called me a cow when the subject was me getting children one day.  
  


* * *

  
  
There's been a long silence again. I haven't had to talk today, and by that I mean talk with this person's words. I have of course talked with other humans quite normally.  
  
I don't understand why this person is even doing this anymore. It could be they've been here for my entire life, since I remember getting very wacky dreams about a couple of years of my life as a child. Didn't like them very much then. But if so, they're probably here only because of the bird man. I haven't done anything illegal even for any vigilante to appear. I just lived, went to school, went to work and found another place to work at and then got the seizure and suddenly I'm being threatened. It doesn't add up. The only thing that happened was my teacher (and they are unable to perform psychic attacks, hah) and the bird man. Then this harassment and torture started. Did this actually start only last year or have these people been here since I was a child? Why the fuck would they do that?? I swear to myself, I await the time when these kind of people can't do these things anymore. This should be illegal but what do they care.  
  


* * *

  
  
A couple of jerks at my arms and my neck.  
  
Name repeating.   
  
"Are you talking to me?" (Me)  
"Yes!" Then some incoherent babbling about what my child is learning and I think I heard the word 'pedo-' in there. So in other words: the shit is being a shit again.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetition.  
  
Another name repetition. My eyebrows just lifted without my volition when I thought out loud that if there was a child there.  
  
Many name repetitions. More of them.  
  


* * *

  
  
A couple of name repetitions and one "You're lazy."  
  
A name repetition.  
  
Some babbling. Something about torture or then I misheard that. 


	198. Daily life 6

A couple of quiet name repetitions. Another name repetition. My armpit hurts.  
More name repetitions.  
  
I have to say this: I'm stressed to go out because of the previous threats like 'I'll shout' and the jerks around my body.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating.  
  


* * *

  
  
Multiple name repetitions.  
  
A name repetition.  
  
Lots of name repetitions. I feel like they're trying to tire me out. These always happen more when I'm alone after all.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Stop complaining all the time." I mostly complain about this voice to myself, which really shouldn't be any of its business. A name repetition.  
"Keep your nose out of my business." (Me)  
"I'm a god."  
"You're shit, that's what you are if you do things like this." (Me)  
  
Imagine if these people had these suicide campaigns where they randomly choose victims and try to tire them out so much people commit suicide? That'd be fucked up. Unfortunately that's also how it looks to me.  
  
"You don't want an answer? "This to my annoyed ass about their comments on my thoughts.  
" No. "(Me)  
  
Name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.  
  
"I'm going to kill you." This as soon as I'm reading a book. I have no idea if they're using my mouth to speak to others or if this is aimed at me.  
  
Name repetitions.  
  
Name repetition as soon as I thought that this fellow would never be caught. They don't have laws over there. Don't trust people that speak through your mouth or who make voices ring in your head and I'm not talking about you thinking someone's comments. I'm talking about name repetitions and full sentences in your head. Something odd just happened, like I was cut off or something. I'll keep reporting.  
  
My eyes widened without my volition just now.  
  


* * *

  
  
Lots of name repeating. Then:  
"X."  
"What ?" (Me)  
"You'll die tonight." Nothing more than this. I most likely won't die today but I'll still keep my cautious front up.

* * *

  
  
"X, go to a nursing home."  
"Why??"(Me) Name repeating.   
"You hear me, you hear voices! I'm a god!"  
"Right." (Me) This is a bullshit generator, that's what's going on.  
  


* * *

  
  
Name repeating. I honestly don't know where the strength to go on comes from but I just know I want to live. I know the throat constricting is highly suspicious but it remains a fact that something is doing it sometimes. This talking coupled with it, well, anyone would think there's someone talking to you. Name repeating.  
  
I actually don't really care about the bird man's basis in truth and whether he exists or not but you're getting that picture. It looked cool so I want you to see what I saw on that summer day, 2019. Whether these people have been here for my entire life or not is not important, it is important that you know about them however. No one should have this kind of power over others. Or at least I haven't heard of any nation attaining this kind of a weapon thing. Pretty sure it would be leaked and abused profusely if that was the case.  
  
Name repetitions.  
  


* * *

  
  
"I haven't done anything! I'm a child!"  
"It doesn't matter even if you were." (Me)  
  
"Is my torment finally over?" (Me)   
"No, you'll die today. You're going to do it yourself." See, up with the suicide again.   
"When are you going to learn I'll never do anything to myself?" (Me)   
Name repetitions. Some babbling.   
  


* * *

  
  
Name repetitions.   
  
More name repetitions. 


	199. This fic is probably illegal?

I'm not updating this AO3 version any longer because it has come to my attention that this kind of content isn't allowed here. I want to respect the rules but I won't delete this, lest someone who has similar problems ends up in a medication cycle and hospitals because someone told them ethereal beings are stalking them. Read, learn and I will put the picture of the bird man here when it's ready. It'll be right at his chapter at the start.

Bye. Come follow me on Dreamwidth if you still want to read about my life as a designated schizophrenic. It might help you write your fics or get a load off your chest or something if you aren't doing as badly as I'm having to do with this voice.  
  
https://mosaiq.dreamwidth.org/


End file.
